Inner Universe
by sckry
Summary: I guess we all have our own stories. The universe is full of them. This time, however, I shall tell you mine. My history, my memories, my recollections... My name is Tifa Lockhart, and this is my story.
1. Intoduction

**Disclaimers: **I do not own any of the characters or worlds written about.

**Authors Note:** Reviews of any kind welcome, I am here to improve my skills at writing. Hope you like :)

Introduction 

'There are many worlds, but they all share the same sky. One sky, one destiny.'

I do not know what to make of such a saying. There are certainly many worlds. I have traveled through most of them. I guess they do all share the same sky, universally. And I guess that all worlds are connected, in some way. That much I have picked up during my journey.

However, I only believe so much in destiny. I am more inclined to the notion that we shape our own destinies by the choices we make during our lives. Whether or not these are predetermined is not for me to say.

Upon our parting, a man once said to me 'this is your story. Ours will not overlap again.' Every person's life is a story. Predetermined or not. And they all overlap one another, like the threads that make up a blanket. I guess that's what the universe is. Maybe we do all share one sky after all.

But, here, I am digressing. I am Tifa Lockhart. I am here to tell my story.


	2. Recollection i

**Disclaimer:** I do not own any of the characters/worlds mentioned.

**Recollection i**

Before I begin at full, I guess I should tell you about my self. If you are ever to entirely understand my story, I shall have to start at the very beginning.

I was, and am, an only child. I was born to a woman and a man who loved each other very much. My earliest memories are of my father, bouncing me on his knee, while my mother was playing the piano. She was always very musical.

We lived in a small mountain town called Nibleheim. It was an isolated area, and the community was very close knit. You must understand, we were very vulnerable.

My father was the local shopkeeper. He was a smart businessman with a fine head on how to get good deals from the city. Sometimes I would help him mind the shop, watching as he greeted all the town folk by first names. He was a people person, my father. We were well off.

He was also very protective of me. My mother's health was fragile, and she had a lasting sickness that prevented her from having any more children. They were both sad about that, so they tended to spoil me somewhat.

When I was five, a man moved into our village. This was unusual, as mostly, people moved out and away from here. Everybody was cautious of him at first, my father included. He was from one of the Three Cities. However, while serving the new man, my father invited him for dinner. This surprised me at the time, but I suppose father wanted to get a measure of him.

If there was some sort of test that night, then Zagane, the newcomer, must of passed it. He explained to my father that he had come from his war torn homeland to start anew. He said he had heard about Nibleheim, and how isolated we are, and had decided to teach his Shang style of fighting. He asked my father if people would be welcome to that idea, and father replied that they would, as even the darkness reached us sometimes.

And so, Mr. Zagane became Zagane-sensei, which, in his homeland, means teacher. I was one of the first children to sign up for his martial art classes, as my father wanted to show his support for our new friend.

Although it was at my fathers' insistence I joined, over time, I began to love the training. Many children signed up, some adults too, and Zagane-sensei was never short of students. I went twice a week to learn the lessons that would eventually define who I was in later life. But at the time, I was just having fun.

I was something of a tomboy, unafraid of dirt or shadows, much to my mothers despair. I think she had hoped for more of a feminine daughter. As it was, I tried to make up for it by allowing her to teach me the piano. I didn't mind learning, though I found exploring and martial arts much more exciting.

I suppose it is here that I should make mention of the person who would have a profound effect on my adult life. Cloud Strife. He was neither a close friend nor a stranger. He was a solemn child, who seemed to prefer his own company to anyone else's. Do not get me wrong, he was not a loner, to say as such. He often joined us on our adventures, and could hold his own in a street brawl if there ever was one. It always seemed to me as if he was not afraid to be alone, often acting detached from the rest of us kids.

I'm not criticizing him, that's just how it appeared to me.

For thirteen years, the children of Nibleheim played, fought, explored and got hurt at the foot of the mountains. Little happened to disrupt our daily lives, apart from the onset of school, but we worked around that.

Our town grew a little. Not much and we remained as isolated as always, oblivious to the outside world. But, of course, we would have to become exposed to it eventually. It was in my thirteenth year, and Clouds fourtenth, when the summons came from the city. The Armies of Dark were attacking, and the cry for young men to come and enlist went out.

I was never sure where this 'Army of Dark' had come from. My parents avoided the subject around me and I had to piece together what I had heard from my peers. I surmised that an evil King Dark had come from his Kingdom through a crater in the ground, to attack the Land of Three Cities, which is what we were known as back then.

Anyway, the call was made, and people answered it. Just like that. Half the adult population of Nibleheim, gone. And that didn't include the many young boys who snuck off to become heroes.

As you have probably guessed, Cloud Strife was one of these. We met the night before he left, and talked about Nibleheim and our time in it. I was surprised at the time, as I had never had such an in-depth conversation with anyone, let alone him. A lot of it was reminisces, as well as our hopes and dreams for the future. I felt sad then, so I made him promise to come back and visit me when he was a big-shot hero.

Looking back now, I think I understand why he spoke so much then. He was leaving home, his mother, to face a war at fourteen years old. He must have been very lonely, not wanting to trouble his mother with his burdens. He too was an only child. I guess he wanted someone else to remember him. I became that person, and I did.

In the morning, they were gone. There were many tears, kisses and hugs as people watched their sons, brothers, fathers and friends leave. I waved furiously at Cloud, telling him to write to me. He looked surprised at that. Those who were left behind stood watching as the vehicles drove into the distance, until they could not be seen any more.


	3. Recollection ii

**Disclaimer:** I do not own any of the characters/worlds depicted.

**Authors Note: **Hello, I hope you all are enjoying the story. I thank you if you've reviewed and urge people to please take the time to do so. It's very uplifting. Enjoy.

**Recollection ii**

The town that was left behind was a quiet one. Much more sad and somber and empty. We felt the whiplash of so many workers leaving. Young girls and old men had to fill in the spaces where the men had been.

Like me. My father had not left for war, for his was too old. He sent me to work for some of his customers, as a helping hand. I helped out a lot at the local inn, as a kitchen hand, a cleaner, and, when I was a little older, the pub.

Many of my friends had left and I had trouble trying to fit in with the girls I had mostly ignored in the past. They accepted my presence, but increasingly I found that our interests were vastly different. There were a couple of girls who I didn't mind so much, and I did my best to be friendly with them.

Now, with a half empty village void of young people, I threw myself into the Shang classes I had attended since I was five. Zagane-sensei must have sensed my new enthusiasm, if you can call it that, and began to up the tempo of my training. I began to attend classes five out of seven nights of the week, leaving Friday for schoolwork and Sundays for work.

Zagane-sensei's classes had diminished as many of his students left for the war. He had to contend with mainly inexperienced young children. I was one of his only senior students left. Sometimes I would even help teach. My own training began to get much harder, and stressful, as often we were the only two practising. I think he appreciated my fervor.

My father would worry about the increasing amount of time I spent at the Dojo. I would assure him that I was taking care of myself and that I really did enjoy it. My academic performance suffered as a result, but I managed to get by with satisfactory results.

So, the next three years of my life passed by. I was no longer a sheltered, happy child safe in mountains. I became a sad young woman, trapped by the confines of my haven. I became distant to my parents, despite living with them. I became physically stronger, but mentally withdrawn. My behavior during these years reminds me now of Clouds. Detached.

We rarely heard news of the war; we were simply too far away. Letters from our kin arrived frequently at first. Gradually, they arrived less and less, with less and less good news. The Armies of Dark were still coming.

I did received letters from Cloud, though never many. His mother would come around to the house to give them to me, her wild blond hair always awry. I was excited at the first one. It had been a month since they had left. I did reply, though I never knew if he received any of them. But eventually, the spaces between letters grew and grew, until they ceased to come at all.

My mother became very ill. Her health was always very fragile, but during those years, it declined at an alarming rate. She became increasingly bedridden, finding comfort only in her music. When she became too sick to play, I would play for her. That was my one act of compassion towards her, and I am grateful that I allowed her that one small mercy.

It was a month after my sixteenth birthday when I finally learnt the true face of the Armies of Dark. There had been many rumors about what and who they were. People said they were goblins, demons from another world, that they could suck the life out of you with a single touch. I had dismissed most of these stories, too old for such fearful concoctions.

I was wrong.

I guess we were all guilty of thinking that the war would never touch our doorstop. We thought ourselves too isolated, too far away to be of any interest. We joked about the war, talking about when it would end, not if. We took for granted our safety.

We were obliterated. I remember being woken up by my father in the middle of the night. There were screams from outside, and I thought I could smell burning. My father shook me awake and told me to get ready quickly, we were under attack. He rushed out of the room and I hurried to obey him.

When I arrived down the stairs, I saw my father, with mother over his back, hobbyhorse style. He had his pistol out, and for some reason, this scared more then the screams and the fire.

He motioned to me and we exited the house via the back door. I almost screamed when we got outside. The houses surrounding us were burning. Flames rose high into the sky and black smoke choked the air. It looked like hell's inferno.

We ran. The car had been destroyed so we had to go on foot. Up the bike path behind our house, we ran away from the town center. My father struggled with my mother's limp form. She had been bedridden by this time.

Hearts pounding, we broke off the path and hit the adjoining road. I am not sure where my father thought he was headed, but he ran with purpose. We saw few people. Those alive were running in terror, like us. I did see a dead body, burnt badly. I was to learn soon that those that attacked us did not leave a body behind.

We dodged past streets, trying to maintain speed. But my father was flagging and by that time, we were lost. The streets that I had played along were no longer recognizable. We were losing hope.

I tried to help father, tried to take mother, but he would only shake his soot-streaked head stubbornly and continue on. I knew we couldn't last like this.

As it happened, we didn't. As he shook his head, we heard them approaching. Not the regimented march of soldiers we expected, but the scuttling, pawing sound of things half beast.

Eyes wide, I clutched fathers arm tightly. A writhing mass of black demons was advancing up the street, headed straight for us. Their faces were featureless save for the eerie yellow glowing eyes. Always moving, restless, they were crawling, slithering towards my family. Fear gripped my heart, and I truly felt hopeless then.

I don't know why I was surprised at my father's actions. I had known this man for my entire life, yet, sometimes I still wonder where he got the strength to do what he did. I guess he thought that it was the only way, and I guess he was right. I would have never been able to carry mother out.

Shaking his arm loose from my grip, he ran back a few paces, setting mother down gently on the curb. He beckoned to me. I remember being confused and afraid of the way he looked. Resigned, I would have to say now. I tried to speak to him, urging him to pick ma up so we could get out, to get up and to get out of here.

He grabbed my shoulders gently, seemingly oblivious to the advancing demons. I remember watching his wine colored eyes, so like mine, gaze wistfully at me in regret. I remember seeing his mouth move as he spoke his final words to me.

It was only after he turned me around and pushed away from the Dark, when I was running with all my strength away did my mind comprehend the words he said.

'_Your mother and I love you very much. We'll hold them off for as long as we can. Go.'_

I stopped to turn back for them when I heard the first gun shot. I saw the figure of my father, standing above my mother, facing the demons with his pistol out and firing.

One after another those shots rang out, barely stopping the mass of darkness. I watched in horror as the creatures swarmed to my father, turning away as they overwhelmed him. I sprinted away, tears coursing their way down my dirty face.


	4. Recollection iii

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any characters/worlds depicted.

**Authors Note: **I'm going to be updating pretty quickly, I think, as the chapters are just pouring out of me. I think a review mentioned that this seems more FF7 then KH? I know it seems that way at the moment, but I'm trying to explain where all the FF characters came from, based on the games. Once the recollections are over,we will see some world hopping. Ok, just wanted to mention that.

**Recollection iii**

As much as I had wanted my story to end then, it did not. For that night, in the midst of my burning hometown, I fought my first battle.

I had run, full of fear and anger, towards the town center, for there was no where else for me to go. Fire cut off most of my escape routes, and at every street corner there appeared to be yet another wave of Dark, surging after me. All the time, I could hear my father's last words to me running through my head. It was like a kind of mantra, repeating endlessly, giving me strength.

'_Your mother and I love you very much. Your mother and I love you very much. Your mother and I love you very much._

_We'll hold them off for as long as we can. Go.'_

It went on.

When I came to the town center, it seemed as if the earth had cracked open and spewed forth its vengeance to the world at my village. I was numb.

The dark creatures swarmed everywhere. I could not see a single human being alive. They looked up at me, perfectly synchronized.

There must have been thousands of them. All with eerie yellow eyes blinking as they noticed me. I knew I would never be able to defeat them, especially if the rumors where true and they killed with a single touch. I wished desperately to survive, I did not want to die, but then, who does?

Slowly, the hoard began to advance. I briefly wondered why all of them where coming, I did not know then that they were beings of pure hunger.

I had that one moment of instant clarity before everything erupted into chaos around me.

I must apologize, for the events that followed were a blur for me, but I shall try my best.

They swamped me. The same way they swamped my parents, like sharks diving in for blood. I moved back, then there was a flash of light, all around me. I could not see properly for a few moments, but I heard the rush of magic and the sounds of battle.

Someone then grabbed my shoulder, wrenching me back. I was running then, someone pulling me along frantically. I think I fainted then, I'm not sure for how long. A couple of minutes, maybe.

The next thing I know, I'm being shaken awake. My head is all fuzzy, but at least I could see.

It was Zagane-sensei.

It was healing magic that awakened me; I had seen it on his fingertips. He helped me stand and told me that we would have to fight our way out of the town. He pulled off his fighting gloves and gave them to me. I was surprised and tried to protest, but he only said he would be fine without them and started putting them on for me.

Sensei then asked me to remember the new wave of training we had started learning a month ago. I looked up, still slightly dazed. He had said:

'_Physical strength alone will not defeat these creatures, you must use your spirit and your heart to prevail.'_

And so we ran. I must have been running on only adrenaline at that stage. The streets seemed emptier now, somehow more haunting. Burning on silently, destroying all trace of the people whom once lived there.

The first battle came all too quickly. It felt like I was thrown headfirst into it. Sensei's battle gloves protected my hands, as I struggled to apply my newest lessons into practice.

The first creature got past Zagane-sensei, dodging his attack and heading straight towards me. I shouted, or screamed, and threw my fist at it. At the last minute, I remembered to focus my chi spirit down my arm and into my fist.

The thing reeled back, before being taken out by Sensei. It dissipated into nothingness. I glimpsed something shiny in its body before it dissolved completely. Zagane-sensei nodded quickly at me and we continued on.

We fought on like that. Sensei would tackle the creatures' head on, while I would stay a little to the side, picking off those who got through him. I learned to apply the force of my chi according to each strike. I had done this before briefly in training, but it was only here that I learned the true purpose of the technique.

When not fighting we ran, towards the mountains.

I believe it was only my grief and my rage that got me through. Sensei disagreed, he said it was the strength of my heart. And who am I to argue with him?


	5. Recollection iv

**Disclaimer:**I do not own any of the characters or worlds mentioned.

**Recollection iv**

Suffice to say Zagane-sensei and I fled into the mountains. From afar, we watched the sad remains of our village burn to cinders.

I wept then, for everyone.

In the weeks that followed we slowly made our way towards the city, Midgar. I do not know how long it took us to get there, as my heart was heavy and my body was exhausted beyond all imagination. Over time, I would learn to cope with the after affects of using chi, and how to manage it properly, but back then, I was inexperienced and unready to cope with them.

We traveled during the day, taking turns to keep watch at night. To his credit, Sensei probably spent more hours awake then I did. I was young and fragile when we left the mountains, through the course of that journey; I forged in myself the steel and resilience that I observed in Sensei. He always appeared calm and in control, despite what turbulent emotions could be storming around inside of him. He never gave away any indication of what he was feeling, and, in time, neither did I.

And so, bedraggled and weary, the both of us arrived at Midgar, one of the three Great Cities. We weren't the only ones. Hundreds of fearful refugees, the pitiful remains of our population, flocked to the Cities for protection. The cities themselves soon became the last strongholds against the Darkness.

We camped among strangers, trying to survive on the meager rations the city could provide for us. Life was hard. There was nothing we could do but wait. The camps were shuffled endlessly around the Slums. The people there were not much better off then us, but at least they had their homes.

Zagane-sensei and I soon left the camps. It was too demoralizing to stay there for long. So we left. We wandered around the Slums. We learned what had happened, why everything was falling apart in the Three Cities.

Wutai was gone, supposedly. We met migrants who had escaped before the city and surrounding land was rendered barren by Darkness. Sensei never said anything, but he took the knowledge badly. I saw his face visibly age almost immediately. I regret that I was never able to help him the same way he helped me. All I can do now is honour his memory and his art. A poor compensation, I know.

After Wutai, the hordes of Darkness began to advance on Midgar. Armies had been summoned, battles had been fought, but gradually, the Darkness was winning the war.

It was during this time that I first heard the name Sephiroth. Even now, the people regarded him as their hero. What few victories Midgar had had, had been led by this legendary general. He was the hope of Midgar, even if it was a dying one.

We learned of Sephiroth's great plan. Supposedly, the General had found a way to fight against the Darkness. Using a magic known as 'Holy Meteor' Sephiroth could summon magic from within the planet that would obliterate all Darkness. Not everybody believed it; many dismissed it as delusional whimsy. Few had ever seen it at work. Supposedly he was setting up Reactors circling Midgar to summon it forth in the final battle.

And as for the third city? No one knew. Communications with Radiant Garden had been lost a long time ago. People had stopped hoping for any kind of reinforcements from there.

The saddest thing was that most people had stopped caring. They had become fatalistic and resigned, though under those circumstances I am not surprised.

We walked the streets, sleeping in doorways, under bridges and in empty warehouses. Even though we were tired, cold and hungry, Zanagen-sensei made me train. He told me he would see to it that I would become strong enough to protect myself, at least, from the Darkness. Mostly it was in warehouses, on an empty rooftop; sometimes it was in an abandoned church he found.

When I became dispirited, he would beat it out of me with painful learning. Afterwards, he would tell me stories of his homeland, the legendary warriors of the past. He talked about the hardships they went through, the betrayal, the pain and hunger that they fought against, never admitting defeat. I took the little comfort his words offered, and learned to endure.

And so, I learnt how to utilize my chi. Sensei taught me how, even though the flesh is vulnerable to the Darkness, if the heart is strong, we can manipulate the spirit to strengthen it. In time, I would be able to fight it with my bare hands unscathed. I worked hard. I wanted to be strong, like Sensei. As for him? I did not think he had any other plan except to look after his last and only student.

**Authors Note:** My understanding of chi is very basic and most of what i write is improvised. I just thought it would explain how Tifa and Zagane, being hand to hand specialists, would be able to fight Heartless. I will mention now that this story will go beyond the Recollections, and into Tifa's journey tracelling throughout the worlds. The Recollections chapters is her looking back and telling her story, once Radient Gardens is destroyed and she begins world jumping, the story will be in present tense.

Thank you to everyone whose reading this story, even more so to those who have reviewed. I do need the feed back so I can work on improving my writing style, so please make the effort. :)


	6. Recollection v

**Disclaimer:** I do not own any characters/worlds depicted.

**Recollection v**

We had been scratching out a living in Midgar for several months when I first came into contact with Avalanche. I was out collecting rations for Zagane-Sensei and I when I heard the sound of a child crying. My heart ached, and I found myself sitting in an alleyway, comforting a small girl child, who could not be any older then three or four years old.

Through gentle coaxing, I learned that her name was Marlene, but apart from that she did not speak. She merely buried her head further into my lap when I tried to question her further.

The night was beginning to set in. I became edgy. I did not know what to do. It was not safe to stay out at night, but I could not leave the child alone. She refused to come with me. She pleaded for me to stay and I could not refuse. Who knows what could happen to her alone?

Hours later and I was still there. Marlene was now sleeping on my lap. I was stiff and alert to any danger that may of come. I nearly jumped out of my skin when, from a distance, I heard a man calling the little girl's name. Remaining silent, I tensed, debating whether or not I should call out in reply.

I heard the voice again, and attempted to analyze it. Whoever he was, his voice was deep and scratchy. However, for all its gruffness, the note of plain worry and panic stood out.

Gently shaking Marlene awake, I decided to take a chance.

He was, in fact, her adopted father. At first I was wary, and nearly punched his face in when he rushed to seize Marlene. I managed to restrain myself when I saw the glee on Marlene's face as he gave her a bear hug.

No one could ever question Barret Wallace's devotion to his daughter. The big black man had a heart of gold; however, his involvement in Avalanche would always compromise her safety.

I returned to the empty shed where Sensei and I were currently residing with a small smile and an address.

At first, I was nothing more then a babysitter. The small amount that Barret paid me was welcome, and I was happy to get out of the streets for a few hours. Sensei was nonchalant about it, but he refused to take any of the money I offered him.

I eventually learned what it was Barret and his gang were doing through Marlene. She was a sweet girl, and I became very attached to her. I wanted to protect her from the Darkness that was swarming everywhere, and I guess that's the way Barret felt too.

When I confronted Barret about his sabotage activities, I was very angry. I thought he was undermining everything I hoped to come true. That he was encouraging the Darkness to manifest in Midgar. Barret took my verbal onslaught on calmly. When I had run out of steam, he sat me down, and in that deep, even voice of his, told me everything.

After he had finished, I demanded to join Avalanche at once. He refused, initially. He didn't know about Zagane or what had happened at Nibleheim. But I convinced him nonetheless.

That night, I returned to where Zagane-Sensei and I were staying and told him everything Barret had told me.

There was a magic from within the planet. Barret said there always had been, and that it had been locked up in a place called Kingdom Hearts. He said that Kingdom Hearts was at the center of all worlds, connecting them all together.

I thought when he had said worlds; he meant the three different cities. He had told me that he meant different worlds as in different planets, with different people and different lives. He said that the Darkness was creeping up on those worlds too, and whenever a star went out, it meant that another world had been consumed by it.

I had looked at him skeptically and asked how he knew this. Barret had given me a smug little smile, saying something cryptic like '_I heard it from the High Winds.'_

Supposedly, the Darkness had come into the Land because someone had opened the Gate leading to Kingdom Hearts.

He said that that someone had been Sephiroth.

The General.

Midgar's last hope.

I felt nothing. I did not know whether or not to believe him. I considered the possibility that the man had gone completely nuts.

I had looked steadily into his calm eyes and said one word.

'_Why?'_

The answer, looking back, was so clear. Throughout my journey, in every world I have visited, it has always been the same. It used to make me angry. Now it makes me sad.

For the answer to my question was and still is power.

Still talking softly, I noticed how rigid Barret had become. Stiff with anger, he continued, for Midgar's beloved General was the source of all our problems.

In opening the Gate, he had let the Darkness and its creatures in. These creatures had destroyed Wutai, consuming the people. These creatures had killed my family.

They had killed Barret's family too. This war was simply an excuse for men to be sacrificed so that the Darkness could feed off their lives and those of their defenseless families in order to become stronger, so that Sephiroth could become stronger. He did not care about Midgar, about Wutai, about Radiant Garden. He was going to let the Darkness consume it all.

It made me sick. I believed him by now. I no longer questioned whether or not Barret was speaking the truth, for I saw in his eyes the same rage that reflected mine.

And, after I had relayed this all to Sensei, I saw that rage again.

**Authors note:** Hope you are all still enjoying the story. I somehow think that the recollection segment is going to be longer then I first anticipated. I hope you all don't mind, and that it is still interesting for you. Please R&R if you can.


	7. Recollection vi

**Disclaimer:** I do not own any charactures/worlds mentioned.

**Recollection vi**

I had convinced Barret to allow us to join them. Once he had met Zagane-Sensei, he saw the advantages of letting us stay on.

The other members were suspicious of us initially; they were only a small group. Barret was their leader. Jessie was a young woman a little older then I. She was an explosives and gadget expert, her knowledge was invaluable. She became a good friend once she got over her initial mistrust. Then there was Biggs, a rouge of a man who could charm the pants off a nun and shoot a target and hit it at bull's eye with his eyes closed. He made me laugh. And lastly, there was kindhearted Wedge, who always meant well, who, along with Marlene, embodied the heart of the group.

I guess these people became my new family. We lived like one. Even Zagane-Sensei admitted that he felt like he belonged in Avalanche. Chance brought us together. Or fate, if you believe in it.

At first I was unsure about what it was we had to do now we were apart of Avalanche. What was there that we could actually sabotage? The city was in a state of chaos. So, for a long time, I waited. I looked after Marlene. I trained with Sensei. I learned about bombs and 'flashy things' from Jessie. Biggs showed me how to load and use a gun. Wedge showed me maps and blueprints of Midgar, and Barret told me more about Kingdom Hearts and these 'other worlds.'

Sensei and I moved into the groups head quarters, which turned out to be a dejected rundown bar call 'Seventh Heaven'. It was devoid of customers when we first arrived. Eventually, I decided to revamp up the place and turn it into an actual business. This way, we were able to receive some income to help finance our rebellious activities. It also provided a good cover for them.

I think everyone was surprised how successful our bar was. I guess everybody needs a place to drown in their sorrows. We tried to keep it a respectable establishment, and for most part, succeeded. Barret was certainly pleased with the transformation; it was now a more suitable home for Marlene.

My first active involvement in Avalanche was destroying a construction site that had been commissioned under the strict orders of the General. It was a Reactor, one of the many that were slowly being built, although the whole project was very hush-hush.

Barret, Biggs, Jessie and I made up the main team involved. We slid, under the cover of night into the construction site, setting up bombs Jessie had made on the foundations of the building.

We thought the Reactors were being built so that Sephiroth could draw out the magic of Kingdom Hearts to strengthen himself, eventually destroying Midgar from within as he summoned more and more Darkness. We were only partially right.

I remember how that first explosion looked, bursting forth fire through the night. I was heavily shaken, as it was all too reminiscent of the destruction of Nibleheim. It reminded me of my anger and further fueled my desire to destroy the Darkness. I never spoke about how I felt, preferring to mask my emotions like Zagane-Sensei. I went without speaking for days afterwards.

It was rare when we were able to put together an operation on such a large scale. We simply did not have the resources. We tried to make do, hindering the progress of the Reactors construction. Workmen would arrive in the morning to find all the tires had been slashed, or the power sources tampered with. We would steal equipment and cause random pipes to break, flooding a section. Cut all the power cables. Small things like that would stop the building for days, or even weeks on end.

But they were built. We couldn't stop them forever.

The public took little notice of Avalanche. Actively hating the class enemy takes up a lot of energy, and many did not care what we did.

I eventually met another member of Avalanche by accident. I actually almost attacked him, finding him alone in the bar and thinking him some kind of thief or intruder.

He was not so much a member, but a man who aided us to settle his personal deep-seated grudge against Sephiroth. A sort of informant cross spy cross assassin. I guess his role was really ambiguous, just like the man.

His name was Vincent Valentine, a man of shadow.

I think that he was once apart of the organization that brought Sephiroth into power, and that they had left had betrayed him before leaving him to die alone in Darkness. I don't really know. Most of what I do came from Wedge, and he was known for getting his facts muddled up at times.

My first three years as a terrorist followed as such. Minor operations in sabotage and theft. When the first Reactor was completed, we were crestfallen. We thought that doomsday was imminent. We waited, anxiously expecting a hoard of Darkness to erupt in the city and consume us all.

But it didn't, not just yet.

There was some celebration. Some people genuinely believed Sephiroths master plan could save us.

We researched. Tried to find everything we could on the Darkness and the place from whence it came. Rumors, educated theories, most of it did not match up.

Every month, new refugees arrived from far out and distant towns and villages. News of horrors they had seen reflected Sensei and my own experiences. Slowly, the gap was closing in on Midgar.

In my eighteenth year, the unthinkable happened. Sephiroth returned from the frontlines.

**Authors note: **Dun Dun Duuuuuuuurrrrrrr...ah-hem. Well, hopefully you are all still reading and liking and reviewing (not so subtle hint). The next couple of chapters are getting a bit more actiony (well, I think they are.) I also hope none of you mind some of the drastic and not so drastic changes I'm making to the FF7 plot in order to accomodate KH's, this including Vincent being an existing member of Avalanche. Plus the whole Sephy still being alive thing but hey. It will all work out in the end :)


	8. Recollection vii

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any characters/worlds depicted.

**Recollection vii**

We knew we would be hated. We knew that even if we did succeed, Midgar might be lost already. But we had to try.

Barret had called us all into our makeshift meeting room to tell us the news. Even the allusive Vincent was there. We would all be needed to pull this off.

The assassination of General Sephiroth.

It would be no mean feat.

God we were so naïve. Myself especially.

We knew we would never be able to get close to him unless he was in public. Even then it would be hard. The General was due to give a public address to the refugees in the Slums. He was there to assure us that victory would be had and to have confidence in our troops. He was also trying to call up any potential recruits.

I was to be the decoy. The grieving sister of a soldier, who was dead; who blamed the General for the war. I would cause unrest around him, accusing him of killing my brother and losing the war on purpose.

Jessie, Wedge and Barret would set of the bombs. There were a number of small charges set up around the area to be set off by remote. However, if worst came to worst, there was a bomb near the platform that Jessie would have to activate as a last resort.

We didn't want to kill any one, just create total chaos. It would be easier for us to strike at him with the crowd fleeing and his honour guard in total panic.

Biggs, Vincent and Zagane-Sensei would be the ones to kill him. Dressed as a media crew, they would be directly behind the stage, ready to leap out and destroy him.

We underestimated him.

The bombs were in place. I was screaming death and fury at the General, fighting the two guards who sought to restrain me. People were edging away from me. I saw Sephiroth look down at me from his platform. His gaze was cold and unfeeling. Analyzing.

The explosions created massive chaos, as expected. It was ugly. Debris flew everywhere. People ran screaming, fighting each other to get away.

The guards holding my arms let go immediately and began sprinting towards the General. Already, I could see my friends grappling with the honour guard, trying to get to him.

Going after them, I tackled one to the ground. Not very orthodox, I know, but I was desperate. His partner stopped and tried to drag me off, but I bit and kicked for all I was worth. Getting one arm free, I swung it around and pummeled the heel of my hand into his face. He reeled back, face bleeding while his friend made to grab me. Quickly shifting my weight, I snapped out my left leg straight into his stomach. I briefly saw him keel over before the guard with the bloody face once again seized me.

This time, both my arms were pinned to my sides and I couldn't get free. I heard him cursing at me, before the both of us were blown back by terrible roaring noise that resounded throughout the square.

I blacked out.

**Authors note: **Hope you like, it's the first time I've written an 'action sequence' as such. The whole assassination plot was pretty improvised as I wasn't sure how exactly one would go about murdering the literal (albiet corrupt) leader of the known world. Thank you to all who have reviewed, it's appreciated.


	9. Recollection viii

**Disclaimer:** I do not own any characters/worlds depicted.

**Recollection viii**

When I came too, I was flat on the ground and aching all over. There was also a loud ringing in my ears. I had put my hand up to my head, only to find it covered in blood.

Groggily, I had sat myself up, and observed the mess that surrounded me.

Everything was smoking.

People lay dead or injured around me. The guard who had grabbed my arms was like that. I remember feeling sick at the sight of his broken, twisted body. After all, he had just been trying to do the right thing.

A sob almost broke out of me, but I held it back.

It took me a while to comprehend what had happened, I guess I was shell-shocked.

Staggering, I rose to my feet. The pounding in my head got worse, and there was something wrong with my shoulder. Not broken, but severely grazed and bruised.

I had to force my disobedient body to walk. Stumbling, I made my way slowly to where I guessed the platform would have been. I had to stop every few meters to regain my balance. Peering out in front of me, I tried to find any sign of my friends amongst the carnage.

I froze.

A man was still standing. His silhouette stood out amongst the thin tendrils of smoke that wove around his body. Despite facing away from me, I had known who it was.

That bastard had survived.

He looked as if he had just completed a walk in the park. Though covered in blood and dirt, the General appeared to be completely in control of the situation. It made my blood boil.

As stupid as it seems now, I went after him. I did not even think about the odds that were against me. Foolish, really.

But I was too late. Someone else had already started attacking him.

I watched as Sephiroth lifted that massive sword of his and brought it down at his assailant. The attacker nimbly sidestepped the cut, using his momentum to move in and under the swords' arc. Sephiroth moved fluidly away, dodging the spiked-gloved punch that shimmered with spirit.

My heart lurched as I realized that it was Zagane-Sensei who fought the General.

Using large, sweeping cuts, Sephiroth drove Sensei back, putting him onto the defensive as he tried to dodge each one.

Sephiroth is truly a swordsman with no peer. I watched helpless as the General danced around my teacher, countering any move Sensei made to attack him. The flash of his Masamune went too fast to see, as he relentlessly charged at Sensei.

Zagane-Sensei fought like a man possessed. He was in overdrive mode. He spun around, kicking at the flat of Sephiroth' sword to avoid being cut. I could see the flash of his chi as it ran its course around his body. Masamune was brought back around into a horizontal cut aimed to sever Sensei in two.

He dodged, but only just.

He could not dodge the continuing second vertical cut; it was far too fast.

I saw the blood come from the wound and screamed. Oblivious, the two men fought on. I made to run to them, to help Sensei. I could not just stand there and watch him die.

I saw Sephiroth being pushed back. Zagane-Sensei was now directing his Chi outside his body, striking the General in blast of white fire. He leapt back, and then sprung forward with the intent to run Sensei through with his sword.

I saw Zagane-Sensei's dark eyes widen.

I ran forward, only to be pulled back.

I screamed and turned to see the bloody face of Biggs. I knew in that moment that he had lost an eye. The right side of his face was… horrific.

But he did not let go.

I know I struggled against him, but I was exhausted. He pulled me away, I was crying bitterly.

Us two together, we staggered our way across the ruined square. Sirens and screams could be heard everywhere.We were in a daze. I don't remember how we got back to Seventh Heaven. I only remember feeling raw and empty on the inside, and torn.

We scared Marlene when we arrived home so much she started crying. We were the first two to arrive back. Biggs all but collapsed to the ground.

I tried my best to save him, but I knew too little. I have no magical abilities and my practical knowledge of first aid was insufficient.

It was midnight before anyone else arrived. Biggs was in a bad way. I had wrapped up his face a much as possible, and he lay half-delirious on the couch. The painkillers we had did little, and I could do nothing but sit by him and hold his hand.

He rambled and moaned, body twitching in uncontrollable spasms. His bandages kept bleeding right through. I don't think he even knew who I was. He called out for Jessie a lot. They were lovers, you know.

When Barret arrived, Biggs was almost gone. His eyes barely fluttered. I was crying again, by that stage.

Barret stood solemnly beside him, hand rested on Biggs's forehead, until at last, he died.

I retreated into myself. I was hollow. I sat silently beside Biggs's still body as Barret told me in a toneless voice that Wedge and Jessie were dead too. Wedge was shot in the back and Jessie was killed by her own creation.

Barret tried to comfort me, but in truth, he was in as worse shape as I was. We sat there, in our own grief, for the whole night, waiting, hoping for anyone else to come home.

* * *

**Authors note: **Hope this turned out as sombre as I tried to make it. I always liked those three membres of Avalanche. Any way, the same deal as always, please review. 


	10. Recollection ix

**Disclaimer:** I do not own any worlds/characters ect.

**Recollection ix**

Vincent turned up a few days later. He had as little to say as the rest of us.

I had asked him about Sensei, for I still held a small hope that he had somehow survived. Vincent had told me that he had not seen the outcome of the fight, but he knew that Sephiroth was still alive.

I felt so bitter.

We buried Biggs in the churchyard, saying he had been helping out one of the reporters when the bomb went off.

We never found the bodies of Wedge or Jessie. Or that of Zagane-Sensei.

His death was the hardest for me. He had been my mentor for most of my life, a teacher, and a kind of father figure after the death of my own. He had saved my life more then once, trained me, made me stronger. He was the last link I had to my childhood.

The most haunting thing about it was that Sephiroth had survived. He was amongst the thick of the blast, and looked no worse for wear. I surmised that the man had no soul.

And, worse of all, now people were looking for us, actively.

For the next few months we could not bring our selves to do anything, we were too dispirited. I began not to care about the darkness. Looking back, I realize how close I was to giving up then.

But I came round.

I have often heard people say that I am optimistic, but I disagree. I do not think it is optimism that gets me through, but rather, determination. I do not accept defeat because, to me, it feels like the betrayal of everyone I have ever known and loved.

Slowly, the remains of Avalanche got back on their feet. There was much to do. Now that the General had returned, the construction of the Reactors had intensified. We began our sabotage activities anew, though with significantly greater difficulty. Half our number had gone, along with their expertise, and security in the city had increased dramatically.

But we were determined. We did our best. For the next year and a half, we fought on the frontlines of a silent battle no one knew about. Support for General Sephiroth increased.

What can I say, people do love their heroes.

* * *

**Authors Note: **Sorry this chapters a little boring. Hope you'll all forgive me.

Next Chapter: Recollection x: Here cometh the Cloud

Just a bit of a hint :)


	11. Recollection x

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any characters/worlds depicted

**Recollection x**

It seemed at the time, that my life had become intensified. Our pitiful, three-man team worked hard and fought hard. We were painfully aware of how little we could achieve, and we struggled against overwhelming odds to halt the construction of the reactors.

We were fighting a losing battle. Five Reactors had already been completed. Sephiroth was making seven.

Everything changed the day I found Cloud Strife.

At first, I did not recognize him. It had been eight years since I had watched him drive off in the army truck into the distance, off to fight a meaningless war.

I had believed that they were all dead. I had thought of them in that way, grieved for them. Dead, gone, but not forgotten. I was the only one left to remember them now. I thought I was the only one left from Nibleheim.

He had changed so much. Then again, so had I. We were not children anymore, no longer carefree and innocent. He looked lost and worn, indifferent. Like the world had chewed him up and spat him out again. I knew that look. It was how I felt when Sensei and I had first arrived in Midgar.

He was leaning on a wall, oblivious to the muck and dirt on it. It was at a train-station, though I can't remember which one. I was only passing through, but saw him. I could not believe it was him at first, I stopped still and stared.

He caught me staring. I don't think he recognized me at first. His gaze passed right through me, as if I was not even there. Then it jerked backed to me, as if caught on a hook.

I walked up to him, then and there.

'_Cloud Strife.'_

It was not a question, but a fact. He nodded slightly, but did not reply. He looked slightly confused.

'_Do you want a job?'_

Another nod.

'_Come with me.'_

I turned and left, not waiting for a reply of any kind. I did not look back to see if he had followed. It was his decision. I felt his eyes boring into my back, and I knew he would follow.

When we were back in Seventh Heaven, I fed him and gave him some of Biggs's old clothes. He didn't need them anymore after all. Cloud then slept, on the couch where Biggs had died. I hoped it wasn't some kind of premonition. He had not said a single word to me, but he knew me.

I busied myself at the bar, though few customers came so early in the afternoon, and tried not to think about him.

When Barret returned from his late shift, he raised an eyebrow at Clouds sleeping form.

I avoided his gaze, and said he was from Nibleheim. Barret's face dropped instantly. He knew all about that, by then.

Marlene was curious. Vincent said nothing, as usual.

We ate in silence, our family didn't talk much, anymore.

And so, Cloud Strife became apart of Avalanche. Barret regarded him as more of a mercenary, and certainly, Cloud played out the part. He did not question why we did what we did. He just participated and took his money as it came.

Not that there was much money.

Our operations certainly became easier with another soldier in the crew. One of Clouds first missions was destroying a near complete Reactor.

That was a close one, but we made it.

Cloud did not talk much, he was worse then Vincent in that respect. Vincent, at least, took an active part in the goings of Avalanche, made a contribution. While his conversation was short and cryptic, it was in existence. Cloud did not speak, did not enquire. He did not ask me what had happened. In turn, I did not question him. I believe the memory was still too raw in both of us.

During the next several months, our activities upped a level.

Barret was planning another big attack. He wanted to destroy a completed Reactor. He was becoming a little more reckless in those days.

Three days before our mission was scheduled I went for a walk. I had needed to clear my head. I was restless and melancholy. Unconsciously, my feet had taken me around the city, to all the old places Zagane-Sensei and I had camped out.

I had tried, in those days, not to dwell too much on the past. I ultimately failed, of course. How could I not reminisce with Cloud's silent presence around?

Eventually, I found myself at the old church Sensei and I had sometimes trained in. I had not been there in years. I remembered it for being a suitable place for meditation, for focusing on techniques' form. My mind was humming with doubts and regrets, and I had wanted to beat it into a relaxed focus state. I thought to perform some kata, to focus my mind on the job ahead.

I had walked in there, trying not to reminisce on the past.

To my dismay, someone was already there.

A woman, not much older then myself, knelt on the ground, tending to a bed of flowers that I did not remember being there before.

Something growled, and I was startled to see a large feline looking beast resting near the pews.

The young woman looked up.

'_Oh! Hello.'_

'…_hi.'_

I felt awkward, like I was intruding on a sacred place.

'Sorry, I didn't realise-' 

'_Hey, no, it's ok. We're just staying here a while.'_

She smiled at me, and put out a hand.

'_I'm Aerith. Pleased to meet you.'_

I accepted the offered hand, and spoke quietly.

'_Tifa Lockhart.'_

She indicated to the red lion-wolf.

'_That is Nanaki, or Red XIII, take your pick. He's my guardian.'_

To my surprise, the beast nodded it head to me in a completely human gesture and spoke.

_'Greetings.'_

I felt uncomfortable. Aerith seemed so out of place in the deprecated city of Midgar. She was clean, and she smiled, how long had it been since I had seen a genuine smile? Even Marlene did not smile much these days. She seemed like a Lady, her pink dress smooth, neat and unwrinkled. While I, in my baggy jacket, tank top and shorts, felt quiet uncouth.

_'You…aren't from around here, are you?'_ It was a guess, but I had been sure I was right. Aerith bit her lip nervously and clasped her hands together.

'_Well…not really.'_

I waited.

'_We're originally from Radiant Garden…'_

The beast, Nanaki, had made a sort of warning yelp. She looked over guiltily at him.

So, Radiant Garden, the last of the Great Cities. I did not know what to say at that. The silence stretched out awkwardly between the three of us.

'_Uh-so…how long have you been here for?'_

She looked relieved that I broached it.

'Just under a year. We couldn't find a place to stay, so we're camping out here.' 

'_Oh.' _I looked around the church._ 'The flowers. Did you do that?'_

'_Hm? Yeah, they grow surprisingly well here. Well, considering there's nowhere else in this city that can…'_

Her voice trailed off. I shifted my weight.

_'I better go.'_

'_Oh. Ok.'_

'_Goodbye.'_

I had turned to leave when Aerith called out to me.

_'Hey! Come and visit sometime, won't you?'_

I looked back at her. She genuinely meant it. I smiled and nodded. She grinned back and gave a small wave as I left.

* * *

**Authors Note: **I was originally going to make these into to two seperate chapters, but I have been advised that I should try and make them slightly longer. I tried to get the characters right. As you can see, the story is starting to divert from the game, there will be more of that. I can promise.

As for Tifa meeting Aerith, I thought it would be a little more interesting, having some proper character interaction. Tell me what you think, and kindly review, it would be appreciated.


	12. Recollection xi

**Recollection xii**

That mission had not gone well.

We had been caught out. We came under heavy fire. We ran, blood pumping as we raced against time to get out of that cursed Reactor.

I won't go into details. Suffice to say that we had escaped by the skin of our teeth.

Especially Cloud. I thought he died.

He was separated from us, being waylaid by guards. We did not see him get out before the explosion, and he did not arrive back at Seventh Heaven that night.

If you were to ask me about my feelings on this, I would not be able to say.

Cloud had…not cared about our cause. I did not know how much he cared for us, at that stage. He was cold and distant, but he was the only remaining link to my childhood.

I did feel some sense of loss. And a strong sense of deja-vu.

Simply waiting for them to come home.

I learned later that he met Aerith and Red for the first time here, but I will speak about that later. The point was, I thought he was dead.

Barret simply sighed and muttered some curses. Vincent had shrugged, I said nothing.

It was all over the city. The explosion had been huge. The General had been furious.

Naturally that made Barret as pleased as pie.

We laid low for a few days, before I volunteered to go out and glean what information I could from the Slum streets.

Truth was, I needed to get out of the bar.

I was in the seedier part of town trying to locate a certain…acquaintance of mine, who would be able to tell me all the latest goings on of Midgar. He had many contacts and was somewhat of a less then savory character. However he was in my debt, and was the most reliable source of knowledge around.

It was through him that I learned of what the General planned to do to us.

He was going to wipe out Sector 7. I didn't know how, but I learned soon enough.

My acquaintance had just finished telling me this when we were interrupted. Lazily, with cigarette in mouth, he had lent back in his chair, jerking up sharply when the door to the privet suit had burst open. I was already on my feet and in a defensive stance before I recognized who it was.

Aerith, the girl from the church. With a peculiar looking blond female beside her, wielding an oversized large sword.

My eyes nearly popped out of my head when I recognized Cloud.

If that wasn't a shock and a half I don't know what is.

'_Whoa whoa whoa, who the fuck do you dolls think you are!?'_

He had eyed Cloud curiously.

I had raised my eyebrow at Cloud, before turning to the informant and stating they were with me. He swore again and shook his head at the pair.

I thanked him and led the way out of there. Once on the streets I turned to face my teammate and a woman whom I barely knew.

Aerith looked nervous. Cloud looked perplexed.

'_What was-'_

'_Tifa, are you-'_

We both halted, mid sentence. I sighed, and indicated that she should go first.

'Are you ok? We saw you being taken into that place, and Cloud said that he knew you, so we came to get you out.'

She stopped and peered at me.

'_What _were_ you doing there?'_

I think she was half-afraid that I had been selling my body. It was not uncommon. I wonder how she would of thought of me if I had.

I did not know how much I should tell her.

'…I was getting some…information.'

I stared pointedly at Cloud. He wouldn't meet my eyes. I felt like slapping him. After all, I had thought he was dead.

He still didn't say anything. An awkward silence was forming.

'_Why are you dressed like that?'_

He scowled and muttered something like _'…disguise…' _Aerith's face cracked into a sly grin.

'He was worried about you, but they wouldn't let him in. So he dressed up like this to get through.'

I felt a smile working it's way onto my face.

'_Doesn't look half bad, does he?'_

Clouds scowl deepened and he turned away, insulted. Aerith and I shared a grin at his expense, before more pressing matters came to my mind.

_'Cloud.'_

He looked at me.

_'We have to get back. There's something Barret needs to hear.'_

Cloud's eyes widened a fraction, and I saw Aerith looking questioningly at the both of us. He nodded.

I turned to Aerith.

'_Hey, thanks for coming after me…and for helping Cloud out.'_

I had surmised as much, though I didn't quiet know how to feel about their meeting.

Cloud spoke, surprisingly enough. I don't think either of us had been expecting it.

'_I'll take Aerith back…home. I'll meet you at Seventh Heaven soon.'_

'_The church?'_

He appeared surprised about my statement, and nodded. Aerith frowned; she was never one to be left in the dark.

'_Hey what-'_

'_Sorry, its important. Gotta run. Take care.'_

I turned and left as swiftly as I could.

By the time I had finished explaining to Barret what I had learned, Cloud had returned. So I had had to repeat my news to him.

Barret's face grew grim. Marlene was drawing pictures on the kitchen table, and I saw his gaze linger on her worriedly.

'_So. How long do we got?'_

I shook my head.

'_I don't know. Not long. It will be soon.'_

That was for certain.

'_What can we do?'_

Nothing.

We could only wait.

As it turned out, we didn't have to wait too long. Sephiroth let the Darkness into the city two days later. It was chaos.

I don't know what unearthly powers he used, but he summoned the Dark creatures into Midgar in the dead of night to destroy us. But not only us. He destroyed the entire Sector.

I shall not go in depth into what happened. Needless to say, we fought and ran for our lives. People around us screamed as they were overtaken by the horde. The most vivid memory of this that I have is of Barret, roaring in anger as he fought through the Darkness, protectively cradling a frightened Marlene in his one good arm.

There was no fire this time, only the Darkness.

We were separated, and I got lost. I was fighting alone in abandoned streets, desperately trying to get out of the Sector.

I found myself walled up against one of the Sector barriers, surrounded by the demons. I was desperately searching for a way to scale the wall, but I couldn't stop fighting long enough to find one.

It was one of the greatest tests on my endurance that I have ever had to face. I do not need to say this, but I was fighting for my life.

'_Tifa.'_

Some of the Darkness creature near me reeled back, wounded by the sudden gunfire. I looked up.

Vincent.

He continued firing as he slid down a cable coming from over the wall.

My hero, I thought grimly.

I slammed my fist into an approaching Dark thing and began to fight my way towards Vincent. He was on the ground now, face emotionless as he shot creatures or raked them with his iron claw.

Completing a chi filled roundhouse kick, I came up beside him. How the hell he had found me, I do not know.

'_Get up.' _He said, without looking at me.

I did not argue. Sector Seven had turned into a hellhole. Gritting my teeth, I began to heft my way up the cable. That was no mean feat. My hands, though gloved, were rubbed raw as I strained to lift my body up that wall. But I did it.

Vincent followed closely behind. Once on what looked like large pipe snaking its way across the wall, we both gazed down upon the Sector that had been our home. The creatures swarmed over everything now, buildings and all.

I never remember feeling as close to Vincent as I did in that moment. As the pale moon cast its glow onus, we stood there together in silence. It was like Nibleheim, five years before, except now it was Vincent and not Zagane-Sensei who was with me, and this time I did not cry.

**

* * *

**

**Authors note: **Hmm, well, another long chapter for everyone. I know theres a lot in here, but hopefully it doesn't seem too rushed. Same deal as always, read and hopefully review.

Hope you like my take on Clouds cross dressing sequence. :)


	13. Recollection xii

**Disclaimer:** I do not own any characters/worlds depicted.

**Recollection xii**

Somehow, by some sort of miracle, we all survived. All of Avalanche, that is. Most of Sector Seven's residents were consumed. All because of us.

That was a guilt that wore me down for a long time.

The worst thing was, we knew that he was playing with us. He had shown that he could wipe out the whole of Midgar at any time he felt like doing so. Do you know how we had known? Not a single Dark creature had passed past Sector Seven's walls. Nowhere else in Midgar was touched. Sephiroth knew we were in there, and he had tried damn hard to ensure we perished there. Our only victory was that we survived.

Barret had shouted out when he saw me, wrapping me up in one of his rare bear hugs. Marlene sobbed as I held her. She had seen too much pain that no child her age should be witness too.

It was really only thanks to Vincent that I survived. He never accepted any thanks from me, though. When I tried too, he merely shook his head and walked away.

Cloud? He looked…relieved to see me alive, that is all I can say. For a moment he seemed like he wanted to say something to me, but didn't. All I got was a customary nod of acknowledgment.

That hurt, a little bit.

We had to hide out in the church with Aerith and the beast, Nanaki. All of Midgar was hunting us now. Sephiroth had launched a full-scale assault on Avalanche. He told the city that it was we that that summoned the Darkness. They even had photos of us. I don't know how they got those.

The thing was, they labeled Aerith and Red as being apart of Avalanche too. We were astounded at that. We were still in the church at that time, staring in shock at the wanted posters Vincent had brought in.

Barret had glared forcefully at both of them.

'Explain yer' selves real quick now.'

Aerith had looked down, as if she was humbled somehow. Of course, by now we had told them everything about us, it had been unavoidable.

Much to my own surprise, it had been Nanaki who had spoken next.

'We are from Radiant Garden. There were…rumors about your General Sephiroth, that he was aiding the Heartless. Aerith wanted to investigate. Being her guardian, I had no choice but to follow.'

Barret regarded them suspiciously, making the rumbling noise in his throat that he makes when he is considering something.

Vincent, who had remained mostly quiet until now, had looked at Aerith directly square in the eyes. He spoke smoothly and quietly.

'Why? What could you possibly hope to achieve, white mage?'

Nanaki raised his head from his paws and growled. I noticed Cloud stiffened a little at Vincent's words, which made me wonder…

Aerith met Vincent's piercing gaze with her own, gentle one.

'I hope to stop him.'

Her face was very solemn. Which made me later wonder if she had known her fate all along. Had she already chosen that path? Did she know what the consequences would be?

At that moment, the wail of sirens and the bustle of approaching people erupted. Guards began to storm the building. They had found us again, it appeared. And so, again we had to flee.

* * *

**Authors note:** Sorry about the short chapter, thats all I can really say. All will soon be revealled... 

Now to all you nice readers out there, make me happy and review. Who knows, I may even hit the twenty reviews mark(its only three away, its not too much to ask, is it?)

Apoligies for whining. Happy reading.


	14. Recollection xiii

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any characters/worlds depicted.

**Recollection xiii**

We fled Midgar. We were that desperate. Out of the frying pan and into the fire, as they used to say.

On the out skirts of Midgar, we hastily considered our options. Most of Midgar's continent was consumed already. We could not travel to Radiant Garden, Aerith had said that the way was closed to us.

'_We'll head to Junon.'_

I hadn't expected Cloud to volunteer a solution. Apparently I was not alone in my opinion. Everyone stared at him.

Ignoring us, he hefted his heavy sword onto his back.

_'It is the last place standing between Midgar and the Darkness, which means that it is heavily fortified. He won't expect us to leave the city. And he won't expect us to make it there alive.'_

_'Wha- who 'lected you to be tha damned leader!!'_

From Barret, obviously. He earned a jab in the stomach from me for cursing in front of Marlene. At which point Aerith spoke up.

_'…I think it's a good idea.' _

_'What!?_'

'_Well…it just makes sense, doesn't it? Is there anywhere else we can go, really?'_

'_Look here missy-'_

'_Lets have a vote. I vote for Cloud's plan. Red?'_

I must admit, once Aerith put her mind to something, she stuck to it.

Red nodded.

'_Vincent?'_

After a slight pause, he inclined his head towards her.

_'Barret?'_

'_I vote for m'self!'_

'_uh…right. Tifa?'_

I crossed my arms, letting my gaze linger hesitantly on the bulking shape of Midgar.

'_What about the Reactors?' _I murmured softly, turning to face them '_Sephiroth only has one more to build, and one to repair. If we leave…'_

Silence met my words. Barret and Vincent were the most troubled. It had been us three; after all, that had been fighting this particular battle the longest.

Aerith sighed, but said nothing. I noticed Red's tail flicker. It was Cloud who answered me.

_'We have no choice. We go back now, we die. At least this way we can live to fight another day.'_

I tightened my lips. _That fight could be one we have no chance of winning, _I was thinking. I suppose I should have said it, said something, but I didn't. I was tired, weary and dispirited. I did not have the energy in me to argue.

So I said nothing.

* * *

**Authors note: **I like writing Barret, he's funny.

Next chapter is...the incredibly long and dangerous journey to Junon! Wow.

Brownie points to Novienar, who gave me a much needed reality check. :)


	15. Recollection xiv

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any characters/worlds depicted.

**Recollection xiv**

Like all journeys, ours was hard and fraught with danger. Much of the land that had once flourished with life, travel and trade was now a desert wasteland. The Heartless, which we now knew the Dark creatures were called via Red, had sucked all life from the earth. It was a bleak and shadowed world.

The question of leadership had arose briefly once again, as Barret and Cloud came to heads as to how we should journey to Junon. Cloud believed we should separate into two groups, as to appear less conspicuous. Barret argued that _'If tha General don't expect us'ta make it, why bother tah split. Safety in numbers, y'hear me?' _

Barret won that one. Cloud was disgruntled, not that he would admit it.

We traveled in an improvised single file. Cloud led us, as only he knew the way to Junon. He was followed by Nanaki, who stayed protectively by Aerith's side. Vincent, and then I came next, while Barret held up the end with Marlene.

It was dangerous for her; she was so young and vulnerable. Barret kept her closely beside him at all times, or else let he walk between Vincent and myself. I remember her little hand swinging as she held mine. Although frightened by recent events, I do not think she minded leaving Midgar too much.

It was necessary to remain alert at all times. Small groups of Heartless sometimes preyed on us, especially at night, and we did have to be wary of any roving bandits who thought to rob us.

It was mostly a silent journey. The only people who seemed to have the energy to talk were Aerith and Marlene. I did try to humor Marlene, but my heart wasn't in it, and the others generally answered Aerith's questions in monosyllables.

It had been eight days since we had left Midgar. Even now, the dirty profile of the city stood out on the horizon, like a smudge on the landscape.

We had been trailed for two days now by what appeared to be a pack of wolf-like Heartless. They would hound us at night, fringing on the boarders of our awareness during the daylight hours. We had taken to traveling at nighttime and in the heat of the day. Early morning and late afternoon were the only times we would rest, relatively confident that the creatures would not attack us.

'_Woads.' _Nanaki had called them.

It had chilled me to see them, their hulking bodies slinking up towards us like scavengers in the dusk. All you could see were their eyes, unfaltering and unblinking, hungry.

They really frightened Marlene. Barret would have to carry her so that she felt safe. I did not blame her.

Dawn was breaking; we could see it far away, just beyond the mountains. Even now, the Woads skittered away after their most recent assault. We all breathed a collective sigh of relief.

The dead landscape had appeared relatively unchanging. It was dirt and dust as far as I could see. It looked hollow. But, gradually, the earth was rising. Plateaus were bordered by Small cliffs broke the monotonous flat of the landscape every so often. Like something had tried to break through the earth's surface, but had failed.

It was at the bottom of one of these small cliffs we now were. In mutual consensus, we had begun unpacking and setting up camp for a few hours of rest.

We had few supplies, our departure was somewhat…hasty. Our food supplies were small and rapidly running out at that stage. No one spoke about it, but we were all worried. We all ate less and less each day, save Marlene. She needed the sustenance, already her face was far too drawn and pinched to be healthy.

Cloud had stood still that dawn, as if in a trance. He made no move to unpack. His gaze was fixed on the cliff top, his mouth a grim line.

_'Oi Spike! Quit eye goggling tha god-damn rock wall and git yer'butt moving.'_

He shot Barret a glare and moved forward, but not before one last glance at the cliff top. I saw Aerith smile questioningly at him, before asking if he was ok. I looked the other way.

Nanaki and Vincent were to take the first watch. Cloud volunteered himself to take someone's place for this rest. The man and the beast had looked at each other, before Vincent shrugged and said that was fine with him.

I lay on the ground, next to Marlene, and tried to sleep. I listened to crackle of the campfire, courtesy of Nanaki's affinity to fire, and to the shuffle of my companions. Barret was lightly snoring already, on the other side of his daughter. Aerith was speaking softly to Nanaki. I drifted.

I must have slept for a few hours, at least. I woke up to hear the heavy footsteps of someone walking past my head.

Blinking rapidly, I sat myself up, rubbing my face in my hand. It was lighter now, though the sky still reflected the darkness of the night. I looked up, viewing the sleeping bodies around me. I could see the shape of Nanaki, seemingly relaxed and resting. Only the gleam of light on his remaining eye indicated otherwise.

I frowned, and it was a moment before I realized who was missing. Cloud.

Scanning the area around our primitive campsite, I caught sight of the man pacing back and forth beside the cliff face. Every so often he would step forward and crane his neck upward, peering at the far edge of the plateau.

I considered walking after him, asking him what was wrong, but I didn't. What right did I have to pry into is business? Still, I believe I was more afraid of him brushing off my concern offhandedly then respecting his privacy.

Even so, there are times when it is best to leave someone alone to resolve his or her own demons.

* * *

We broke camp about three hours later. Barret and Aerith had since taken over the watch from Red and Cloud.

Groggily, we all struggled up. The sun was high then, and we had to use it as best we could.

Cloud informed us that we would climb the cliff face to reach the pass that led to Junon.

_'Have yer lost yer marbles, Airhead!? Ain't no way we'll make it up there!'_

Barret, having leadership issues again. But even as he protested, I saw him glance worriedly at his daughter. I too looked doubtfully up at the wall of rock, questioning if we, as in all of us, would be able to make it.

_'Are you certain about this, Clo-'_

Cloud did not wait for any questions; he just started climbing. So we followed.

* * *

The going was tough, but not unendurable. There was something that once could have been a path for some sort of four legged mountain animal. The track was narrow, steep and treacherous, but, for granted, sure beat climbing up a sheer vertical cliff face.

We zigzagged our way slowly up the cliff. Dirt and grime covered our faces, stuck on by the growing layer of sweat our bodies were pumping out. Red seemed to have an easier time then the rest of us, I guess being four legged can account for that.

Evening began to close in, and we still had not reached the top. And we were rapidly tiring, climbing takes a lot more out of you then hiking ever could. We were stopping frequently now, only Cloud seemed to ignore his exhaustion.

I was carrying Marlene by this stage. Barret had protested profusely, but I had maintained that he needed a break. She was currently tied onto my back; so as to leave my arms free. Her arms and legs were wound around me. My shoulders, lower back and thighs strained with the extra weight. Barret deserved more credit then he sought. He had not complained once about carrying Marlene for the better part of the day. I was struggling as is.

I was beginning to wonder if we would ever reach the top.

And night was setting in. I think we were all becoming worried by this stage.

_'Cloud we have to stop. We can not climb this in the dark!'_

I looked up at Vincent's shout. I could see everyone, dotted variously upwards, pause at the sound of his voice.

He was right. The light was fading rapidly, and it was too dangerous to consider climbing at night. We were virtually defenseless here.

I gave up trying to see Cloud's reaction and returned my gaze to the immediate ground in front of me. Somewhere behind me I heard Barret sigh and start climbing again. I did the same.

_'Nnneh…Tifa, will we ever get up to the top?'_

Marlene had been blessedly quiet that day. She spoke quietly into my ear, sounding as weary as I did. I felt her squirm a little on my back, and guessed that she was a little afraid of the on setting night.

I guess I was too.

I had to suck in a few deep breaths before I had the air to answer her.

'_Soon, sweetie, soon. Just hold on a little longer, you're doing great.'_

She fell silent again, and I had wondered if she was assured at any of my words.

A yelp sounded above, and I had jerked my head up in time to see a cloud of dust billowing out up ahead.

Nanaki gave a strangled bark and tried to leap up to it.

_'I-it's ok. I-I'm fine, just took ah-a bit of a fall, you know?'_

I watched in silence as the dust cleared to reveal Aerith amongst a heap of rubble, clutching the rock around her. Shakily, I saw the little figure in pink ease her way up, before continuing to climb.

'_Aerith! Are you hurt?'_

The worry was clear in the beast's voice.

'_Don't fuss!! I'm fine, I just…just lost my footing, that's all.'_

I saw her turn her head to flash a smile at her worried guardian.

_'Honestly, Red, you're as bad as a mother hen sometimes!'_

I grinned at that as I heard him let out a ruffled '_humph.'_

However, for all the jest and banter, it was becoming increasingly harder to see. My own progress slowed to a painful rate as I carefully groped in front of me to ensure each foothold was stable. Bent almost double, I felt like an ant.

It seemed forever as I crawled my way up that cliff before we heard the long awaited shout from Cloud.

'_It's here! I'm at the top.'_

'_Good fucken' on yer.' _I heard Barret mutter from below me.

Good to know he was still there.

* * *

**Aurthors note: **Here's a longer chapter for you after a couple of short ones. I am trying to make them lengthier, but I think this is a good size. Hope you're all still interested!

* * *


	16. Recollection xv

**Disclaimer:** I do not own characters/worlds depicted

**Recollection xv**

It felt like hours until I finally reached the top of the plateau.

I was exhausted.

I could barely scramble over the edge by my self. In fact, I believe Vincent had to drag me up the last meter. Smiling gratefully at him, I moved away from the cliff edge and began untying Marlene from my back.

She slipped from my back, almost dead on her feet. The dim light of the newly lit fire allowed for some visibility. I noticed with concern the places where the ropes had rubbed her skin raw. Even under her clothes there were giant red welt marks.

I looked up at the already prepared camp. We could not complete our midnight trek, no matter how much more dangerous it was to stay put in the dark.

'_A-Aerith?' _I managed to call out.

I saw a slightly illuminated figure in front of the fire turn at my voice. I don't think she could see me well.

Picking myself up, I gently led Marlene over to her.

'_I-can you…help her? Welts…'_

I gestured wearily at Marlene. Not that it had much effect, it being night and all.

'_Rope burn.' _I explained.

Aerith nodded at me and knelt down beside the little girl. I could her speaking gently as she coaxed the Marlene into showing her where it hurt.

I watched, dazed, as Aerith summoned a small green ball of light into her fingertips. The glow reached out towards Marlene, thin tendrils running over her body. As quickly as it came, magic was gone.

'_She should be alright now, all she needs is rest, really.'_

I let out a sigh. For all her lack in physical poweress, Aerith's white magic had truly been a blessing. I doubt how far we would have gone without her.

I blinked, realizing that she was still talking to me.

'_Uh-wha…sorry, can you-?'_

'_I asked if you needed any healing? You were carrying her for a while.'_

'_No…no don't worry 'bout me. I just need…sleep...heh. Thanks, though.'_

It was tempting, but I wasn't injured. My sore, aching muscles would be stiff tomorrow, but I would be fine. Besides, she had to save her magic for when we might really need it.

'_No problem.'_

I could hear Barret's curses as he reached the summit. Taking Marlene's hand, I walked with Aerith to the campfire. It shed a comforting glow around it, and I resisted an almost overwhelming urge to snuggle up to its warmth.

Barret and Vincent trundled up behind us. Marlene was already asleep on my knee. Barret's face softened and he sat down beside me.

We did not even eat before those that could slept. Vincent and I were on watch duty for the first half of the night, and I struggled to stay awake. Already I could feel my body seizing up.

Carefully, I extracted myself from Marlene, wrapping her in my jacket. My muscles protested at even this as I moved away from the fire. When I was a little distance away, I began going through all the stretches that Sensei had taught me. I had to bite my tongue to stop myself from crying out when I moved.

They were done sloppily, but I was not aiming for perfection. I needed to remove the stress of the day from my mind as well as my body. Slowly, I performed the simple yoga moves that loosened some of knots in my back, repeating them again and again after I had finished each set.

When I had finished, I still ached, but I felt I little looser, and I knew I would not be as stiff tomorrow.

I had begun to walk back to the camp area, only to start as I saw a figure move towards me in the night.

'_Cloud?'_

He stopped in front of me, arms folded.

'_My turn at watch, you can sleep now.'_

'_Oh…'_

I guess I had lost track of time. It was an easy thing to do. I felt my knee's tremor and realized how much I needed to sleep.

Cloud was still in front of me. I could not think of anything to say. I decided to leave.

'_Night then.'_

'_Tifa.'_

I stopped in my tracks and turned to face him again.

'_Yeah?'_

'_Was…did anyone…else come to Midgar?'_

His voice was so quiet; I could barely hear him. I was surprised, and then sad. He was the same as me. He had kept a small miniscule of hope that someone else had survived. I was sad because, apart from the two of us, Nibleheim and its people were gone, just a memory.

'_There was Zagane, but he is gone now.'_

I still missed Sensei. I still missed my father, and my mother. And Jessie, and Biggs and Wedge. I still missed having a home, a real one.

'…_I'm sorry.'_

'_Me too.'_

We stood in silence for a little while, both reflecting, I think, on how much things had changed. I looked past Cloud and over the distant, dark landscape. The lights of Midgar were winking in the distance. I thought of something.

'_We came from the other side.'_

'_What?'_

'_Sensei and I. We arrived from the other side of Midgar. You came from this side.'_

The pause that followed was slightly uncomfortable on Clouds behalf. I was tired and at that moment, I didn't care. I guess I didn't make much sense, but my tired mind was whirling. I felt the memories of my childhood welling up inside my head.

My voice broke slightly as I asked the question that had plagued me since they had all left all those years ago.

'_Were they good soldiers?'_

He was taken aback by that. I don't think he was expecting it. It was his fault. He brought up the past.

He said nothing.

Something cracked, inside of me.

'_Did they miss us? Did they think about home? Did you? Did they try hard? Was it hard to begin with? Were they brave? Where you afraid? Did you believe Him? Were they confident? Did they die well-oh God-'_

I clamped my treacherous mouth shut before it could spew forth any more forbidden questions. Things like that you should never ask a former soldier, it's cruel, insensitive. But I knew so little about the boys who had become men, who had left and had died. I guess I just wanted a connection to the soldiers they had become. Something else to remember them by.

I was choking at my stupidity.

'_I-I'm sorry…' _I managed to say through my hands. I could feel him staring at me, and I was so ashamed I could hardly bare it.

The mask. Put the mask on, I had told myself. Still your emotions, they will make you rash.

I had to breathe. I stared at the ground, anywhere but at Cloud's face. I did not want to see his expression.

The mask. Master your body, your face. Keep your composure, no matter what.

It's the only thing you have left.

I had stood straight then, mask in place. It rarely comes off.

'_Goodnight Cloud.'_

I turned and walked quickly away, no looking back. I reached Marlene and lay down next to her.

I slept instantly.

* * *

**Authors note: **Well, hope your all stillout there and reading.

This chapters a bit awkard, with Tifa bursting out with questions like that, but I think its something she probably would of dwelt on a lot, at least, in her earlier years. Seeing Cloud and talking about Nibleheim would have resurfaced all those old feelings, I guess.

Oh, and the mask thing? She just comes across as a character who hides her own emotions and feelings, as opposed to Aerith, who isn't afraid to speak about them. This analogy is gonna pop up again every so often.

And I'm rambling...sorry :)


	17. Recollection xvi

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any characters/worlds depicted

**Recollection xvi**

Morning had come all too quickly, but come it did. As expected, I was stiff and sore, but from the look of things, I had not been the only one. The morning was filled with moans and grumbling as we all tried to prepare for the day ahead of us.

I avoided Cloud's gaze at all costs.

Now that it was day, we could see the kind of road that awaited us. The plateau stretched out a fair while, before passing through what appeared to be a small canyon. What we were standing on appeared to be an extension of the plateau.

'_The Midgar plains end in either plateau cliffs of mountains. The valley's almost closed off, apart from by sea.'_

I heard Cloud explain to someone.

And so, we walked.

Thirst was a bad thing. The problem is that you can not stop thinking about it, even if you try to. You find yourself dreaming of an ocean of fresh, clean water that was always just beyond your reach. Sometimes you get close enough to feel the water brush lightly against your lips, or gently trickle down your tongue. Then the thirst returns, burning the back of your throat and swelling up your dry tongue. You wake and realize that the thirst is still there and you still have no chance of quenching it. And our water supplies were fast running out.

For the next four days we made our way across the land and into the canyon. At least there was some shade there to be had there. We quickly returned to our unique pattern of resting at morn and eve and travelling during night and day. We were hounded frequently by the Woads. I think they could sense that we were slowly weakening with each day.

As I mentioned, it had been four days since the cliff climb when we encountered the refugees.

They were a fairly large group, made up of many families. Our hearts leapt with joy and sunk at the same time. We would be able to barter for food and water, but if they were fleeing Junon…

We found ourselves faced with makeshift weapons and mismatched guns as the men-folk faced us aggressively.

They thought we were bandits.

I can understand why. We were dirty, hair lank and filthy, with torn and travel weary clothing and sunburnt skin. Not to mention the assorted weaponry we kept on our persons. We must have looked terrifying to them.

It took a while to convince them that we were not rouges and were not there to steal their possessions or cut their throats whilst they slept. It sounds harsh, but they were frightened and rightfully wary.

I think Marlene kind of spoiled the whole 'heartless bunch of thieving criminals' perception. That, and Aerith's incredible people skills, she won them over with a single smile. Even as dirty as we were, she still appeared to be a Lady, both open and kind as well as being elusively mysterious at the same time. It made you want to please her.

To our relief, and theirs, we exchanged that the cities from whence we came were both still standing. This band of travelers had realized that the end was coming soon, and that Midgar would be a safer place to ride out the awaited storm.

Not that there was much hope about that. Everyone knew that the next wave would drown us all.

We bluffed our way out of revealing who we were, and the real reason we had left Midgar. I can not remember the lie we fabricated, but I guess it does not matter much.

The lifesaver of this encounter was the possibility of replenishing our pitiful supplies. We had a little money, but our main source of income was bartering Aerith's white magic for food and water. The refugees had encountered similar dangers on their own journey, but with only potions and bandages to help the wounded, they were in poor shape. Aerith healed their sick, and we received fresh supplies and a clear indication of how to reach Junon.

She truly was a blessing to us. She did everything she could for those people, almost wearing herself out before Cloud and Nanaki made her stop.

Nine days later, battered, weary, dirty and battle worn, we arrived at Junon.

* * *

It was once the great military base of the Midgar Empire, now it stood as the last minor city in the whole land. A military camp consisting of weary soldiers and half trained recruits protecting the flocking refugees the city held.

The place was worse then Midgar.

We entered through the barricaded gates, assuming the roles of the remaining villages from a small town who had lost their way. They let us in unquestioningly; the story was more then half true anyway.

After being ushered into the one of the many camps we were allocated a tent with one cot in it. All around us the sea of people moved slowly, solemnly, simply waiting for the end. The complete lack of hope in the eyes of everyone, even the children, was something that has stayed with me. It showed me how you don't have to lose your heart to succumb to the darkness.

The soldier who showed us our tent could not have been any older then I. His face was almost as grim as Cloud's.

The men were adamant that we females should use the cot. Marlene was already fast asleep on it.

'_Look, jes git yer arses on that bed an' sleep. Us men-folk can make it on tha ground jes fine.'_

Aerith scowled at them, complaining that they were being sexist pigs. I agreed with her. We didn't mind if the Marlene had the bed all to herself.

'_Like we're too fragile to camp out one more night on the floor?'_ she mocked scowled at them.

'_How about the three of you will sleep on it because you'll all fit.'_

Vincent raised an eyebrow in a way that booked no argument. Barret nodded decidedly and I believe I saw Nanaki smirk; though since he is a beast it was hard to tell. Aerith huffed and stamped her foot before stalking to the cot and lying down next to it.  
I shook my head in amusement and made as if to sit down on the ground. Someone caught my arm and when I looked up, I saw Barret scowling at me.

'_No yer don' girl, git up there next ta Marlene.'_

A small smile on my face, I did as he bade me. It was a little squashed. Both Aerith and I had to stay on our sides as Marlene was sprawled between us. We cradled her in our arms so that, despite the lack of blankets, we were all warm enough.

Needless to say, we feel asleep instantly, despite it being mid-day. For all our protests, I was glad we managed to get the cot.

* * *

When I awoke, it was pitch black. It took a moment to register where I was until I remembered arriving in Junon. Looking down, I could faintly see the silhouettes of Marlene and Aerith. Peering around the room, I could just make out the bulking shapes of Barret, Vincent, Cloud and Nanaki sleeping.

We were that tired we had not even set up a watch. True, it was unlikely we would need one at the moment, but you could never be too careful.

Sitting up, I craned my neck to the right to try to loosen the twinge I felt there. Exhaling softly, I looked around the tent again, going over our journey through my head.

We were in Junon, we all knew it would be over run soon by Heartless, the only question was when. We knew Sephiroth was in Midgar, planning to unleash the power of Kingdom Hearts onto the city and himself. Once Midgar was destroyed he would then move onto Radiant Garden.

How could we stop him? In Junon? We would have to travel back to Midgar to take any form of action, and by the time we would arrive it would most likely be too late. It had taken us at least three weeks to travel the distance.

These thoughts ran through my head in a circle so fast that I could barely keep up with them. I was so absorbed into them, I did not notice falling back asleep.

* * *

The next time I awoke, it was light. Grumbling softly, I eased myself out of the cot. Our tent was practically empty. Apart from Marlene and Aerith, who where still asleep, Nanaki was the only one remaining. He raised his head to me as I stood, nodding in acknowledgement of my presence.

Groaning, I reached out my arms and stretched my back before shaking out my shoulders. I felt groggy, but no longer utterly exhausted as the night before. Ducking my head as I stepped outside, I had to squint as my eyes adjusted to the sunlight.

A refugee camp.

I sighed. It was the same as Midgar. The same fear, the same hopelessness. I saw a mother pulling along her young son. A man checking his tent ropes. A family eating their meager rations. I had seen all this before. Different city, same scene.

Someone moved next to me. I turned to see Vincent, holding out a wooden bowel of what looked like watery soup.

'_Lunch.'_

I frowned and took the bowel.

_'Uh…thanks…'_

I glanced dubiously at the soup.

_'Lunch, you say?'_

'_It's mid-day. You slept in.'_

He moved to enter our tent, carrying what I assumed to be more soup bowels for our companions.

Despite my reservations, I gulped down the soup quickly. I was starving, and was never one for refusing food of any kind; it was damn hard to get back then.

* * *

After we had eaten, and some less then flattering comments from Vincent on the state of our hygiene, Aerith, Marlene and I had gone in search of a place where we could clean ourselves up. We were still dirty and grimy from our journey, sleep having been the top priority when we first arrived.

Not that those camps were a prime example of cleanliness. Being displaced and homeless in the middle of a war highlights ones priorities.

Nevertheless, we were still filthy compared to many of the refugees in Junon. Marlene was thin, with her dirty sweater and pants hanging off her small frame. Even Aerith's pretty pink dress and jacket was stained and torn from travel. My white top, gray jacket and black, baggy mini shorts were in a similar state of disrepair.

After wandering around the crowded streets, we eventually found what seemed to be a hastily erected toilet block, filled with leaking toilets and cold showers. It was overcrowded and it stunk. There were so many people who used this block; it was no wonder it was insufficient. I guess we were lucky it was even functioning.

_'Tifa! Let me braid your hair.'_

'_Huh? My hair…?'_

Aerith stood before me in the one shower cubical we had managed to snag. We were significantly cleaner then when we had entered, which was a huge comfort.

_'Please!'_

Marlene, who had been mostly silent, seemed to perk up at this suggestion.

_'Yeah, let us braid your hair, pretty please Tifa, it would look so pretty!'_

I frowned, pulling my suspenders over my shoulders. Marlene reached forward and grabbed my leg, using her large baby eyes to win me over. She knows I'm a sucker for them…

Sorry, knew. She knew I was a sucker for them. This is all in the past. Another one of my recollections.

'_Well, I guess I don't mind…'_

'_Yeah!'_

Aerith looked pleased, Marlene looked ecstatic. Thinking back, I guess it a relief for the little girl, doing normal, girly things like plaiting a friend's hair, after the rough, dangerous journey she'd had to endure.

'_Don't blame me for all the knots and split ends!' _I had told them good humorously.

We had laughed as they struggled to comb my thick hair with their fingers, myself howling in mock pain as they pulled at another knot.

We had to stop midway and continue the escapade in our tent, as the women waiting did not appreciate us taking to long. Or the noise we were making.

That was all right, it meant I had more space to chase Marlene as she fled from an awaited tickling, only to be caught by a smiling Aerith.

It was almost normal.

It is one of my favorite memories.

* * *

**Authors Note: **Decided to combine a couple of chapters so it was a decent length.

I tried to make their journey/conditions as realistic as possible, hence the emphisis on their dishiviled appearences.

Yes, I gave Tifa shorts because a) They're more practical for a matial artist, and b) when I first played the game, I always thought she wore shorts (love the graphics of the game, they're so classic!). She' still got the good ole' suspenders though :)

Oh, and hope none of you got the wrong idea about the three of them sharing a shower cubical. Nothing sexual involved, just practicality. Makes sense to stick together when you've hundreds of other people all competing for a shower, and females generally tend to be a little bit less iffy about sharing showers and stuff then males. Generally.

Feel free to drop a message/ review any time. Cheers to XIII Dragon who sent me an email with some good ideas.

Zat iz all for now.


	18. Recollection xvii

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any characters/concepts depicted.

**Recollection xvii**

Ah, the weeks we waited there. Waited to heal, for news, for action, for any indication of what we must do.

Cloud was dead set on leaving straight away, journeying back to Midgar. So was Barret, it was one of the few things they agreed on. But Aerith made them stay, made us wait here. She said that it was not yet time to confront the General, and that the only thing we would accomplish would be all of our deaths if we chased after him now.

So we stayed.

We fell into a routine. Wake up. Collect rations. Check all our equipment and weapons. Cloud and Vincent would go to the soldiers training barracks to spare. Aerith, Red, Marlene, I and sometimes Barret would walk around the city, camps and all. Collect lunch rations. I would go train in the afternoon, Aerith would go heal sick refugees with her guardian and Barret would spend some time with Marlene. Cloud would disappear off some where and Vincent would mingle with the soldiers. Collect evening rations. Meet up in tent. Discuss matters of importance, as well as things irrelevant. Sleep. We showered once every few days, it was too much of a bother to go every day.

Of course, this was not gospel. Sometimes Vincent would walk with us in the mornings, sometimes I would train instead, or Aerith would drag Cloud out of the barracks to socialize with us. We got to know some of the people who lived around us.

There was a father and his three children who lived next to us. Marlene befriended them in no time.

Aerith started teaching me white magic, or trying too. I had been doubtful there was even a glimmer of magic within me, but somehow, Aerith found it and instructed me on forming the simplest healing spells. In return, I showed how I fought with my chi and taught her the beginning punches and kicks I had learned so long ago.

She was curious about the use of chi, and preferred learning about it then about the physical application of the body. She said that it was not like either white or black magic, but seemed to come from the same spiritual source.

_---'…some where in between the two'_ she said_ 'almost gray, if I had to describe it as such. It's as if it is apart of both of them but connected to neither.' _

_'Hmmm…now you're just confusing me.'_

_'And I though Cloud was the only blond around!'_

_'Hey!'_

_'Kidding! Kidding!'---_

I did not entirely understand her then; my knowledge on magic was and still is limited.

I once asked Vincent if he had been a soldier. He said yes. He said he had known Sephiroth a long time ago. He left it at that and so did I.

Barret grew quieter. He told me once that he had seen a friend from his old, destroyed village in one of the neighboring street camps. His best friend. Marlene's father. That night, without a word, he had gone out into the streets to meet him. I waited up for him. When he returned, in the early hours of the morning, Barret looked older and wearier then I had ever seen him. He had looked at his one good hand and muttered something before settling down on his place and sleeping. Or giving out the appearance of sleep.

'-so much blood, Dyne, so much blood-'

There, that's what I think he said. Looking back, I'm fairly certain.

Red and Aerith would tell stories about Radiant Garden. Marlene was enchanted. She declared how one day, we would all go there to live. Aerith would smile sadly at this.

---'…and are there gardens there? With real_ flowers?' _

'Of course! That's how it was named.'

'When we go there, will I be able to grow some flowers?'

'If you want to, I'm sure we'll be able to find a little garden just for you.'---

Marlene was our hope, I think. We all looked after her, even Vincent and Cloud, in their own way. I found her crying on Vincent's shoulder once. He gave me a look that said _mention-this-and-you-will-suffer. _I had smiled to myself.

And Cloud? I barely spoke to him. It was hard, I think, for both of us. Sometimes we sparred; one must be prepared to combat any weapon. Most of the time I lost. We spent some awkward, silent moments when we suddenly found our selves alone together. We also spent more somber silences in each other's company, when barely a word was said, but so much was conveyed, or remembered. Our relationship was strange, like that. I think we were both slightly afraid of the other.

There are so many small moments of this time that I wish to speak of, to remember, but I fear that if I begin in depth, I shall never be able to stop. There was laughter; Barret's big booming laugh, Aerith's light giggling, Red's snorts of amusements, Vincent's barely audible chuckling and Marlene's high-pitched squeals of delight. We teased each other, squabbled over trivial things, became cross and made up. We trained against one another, taught each other and learned from each other…

See what I mean? These memories, so precious to me, will consume me if I let them linger. I must be careful, for I said I would tell you my story, and I ought to be able to tell you without losing myself.

After all, to lose myself now when I have just survived would be pointless.

And so on we go.

* * *

**Authors note:** I just started replaying FF7 the other day. You gotta love those graphics-sigh. Biggest thing thats come out of it though is that I realise how many great scenes I've skipped in this fic. I would love to incorporate a lot more of them then I have, but I've gone over my chapters and I don't see how I can without drawing out the Recollections far more then I want to. This is a KH fic after all. 

I'm just going with the idea that as these are depictions of the past, Tifa's not going to recall every miniscule detail/event that happened. And it is AV to the original game anyway.

And I'm rambling again, hope you like it any how :)


	19. Recollection xviii

**Disclaimer:**

**Recollection xviii**

The day of which I shall now tell you of defined so many lives, and ended so many as well.

I apologize again; I am getting ahead of my self.

On this day, on this morning, we were above the docks. Junon was once a port, and a city full of trade, when it was still a city. So much has changed.

We were walking along the platform that had been built as a sort of sentry walk. It gave a good, clear view of the ocean and the surrounding coastline. Red, Aerith, Marlene and I. A typical day. Normal.

It had been a stormy day, but that was nothing new. The black clouds had been gathering all week. Everybody knew what it meant. Plenty of people had already fled to Midgar. Others had decided that they would die here, in Junon. We were biding our time, or so I thought.

'_Tifa, Aerith, look!'_

Marlene reached over the railing, pointing up at the far distant sky above a barren coastline. I had knelt down to her level and looked where she was pointing.

'_What is it?'_

The girl frowned, peering hard.

'_A star, it's a star! Wow, I didn't think we could see 'em any more. Look, its winking.'_

I felt Aerith stiffen beside us as she caught site of the flying object. It did not look like a star. It was too big and bulky, and it was moving.

'_It's an airship.'_

She spoke softly. I looked up at her, puzzled.

'_Airship? Where could it have come from?'_

There were only two places; Midgar or Radiant Garden. But Aerith had said that Radiant Garden was impossible to reach, and it could not have come from Midgar, it was coming from the wrong direction.

She had turned to face me; her green eyes had been full of worry.

I saw Nanaki nudge her leg. Aerith glanced down at him and smiled, resting one hand on his head. When she looked back at me, all trace of worry was gone from her face.

'_Come on, we don't want to spend all day staring at the sea, do we?'_

Marlene looked up at us and grinned, jumping off the railing and grabbing Aerith's hand.

I was not fooled, but I said nothing. Aerith had known where it came from, and possibly why as well. I let out a sigh and followed them down the platform staircase.

'_Tifa.'_

We had reached the bottom, and Aerith was looking at me expectantly.

'_Can we talk?'_

'_Uh…sure. Anything wrong?'_

She looked distracted. She turned to Red.

'_Can you take Marlene back to the tent? I need to talk to Tifa for a moment.'_

The beast had looked long and hard at Aerith, his charge. She smiled sweetly at him.

'_I'll be fine, mother hen, besides, Teef can look after me if we get in a bind.'_

Red's single eye shifted its focus to me, scrutinizing.

'_Hurrrnf…don't be long.'_

The beast turned and nudged Marlene, who held onto his fur as they walked away. Aerith linked her arm in mine and pulled me away from the crowd. I tried hard not to squirm, for despite our cramped quarters, I was never an overly 'touchy' person, if you get my meaning.

Aerith pulled me away from the scout patrol, running amok now that they had finally noticed the airship. She had stridden fast paced along the stone streets with a strength that surprised me. Her grip on my arm had been vice-like.

'_A-Aerith? Where are we going?'_

She slowed down a little, then stopped.

'_I don't want anyone to hear us.'_

'_Why not?'_

'_Well…'_

She sighed, and leaned against a waist high stone wall that faced out to sea. I could see the platform where we had been earlier a little way behind her.

'_What's the matter? Is it something about that airship?'_

'_No…well…sort of…'_

I frowned slightly. This was out of character for Aerith. She always spoke straight to the point.

A breeze flew by, and I watched as she faced it, looking wistful and delicate. I had gone over and sat besides her, speaking gently to her.

'_What's wrong, Aerith?'_

A pause.

'_Have you ever been in love, Tifa?'_

I stared at her blankly.

'_What?'_

'_Love. You know…' _She smiled coyly at me _'Like when a guy and a girl have spec-'_

I scowled at her and gave her a gentle shove with my elbow.

'_I _know_ what it is, silly.'_

She giggled at me. I chuckled.

'_You…you've known Cloud…for a long time, haven't you?'_

Oh, I had thought. So that's what this was about.

I had not failed to notice the spark that had seemed to be between the two of them. And I had tried not to lie to myself about it either. Where he was silent and scowling to others, he always appeared more respectful and considering of Aerith. He listened when she spoke, and followed her with those crystal blue eyes of his when she moved. She, in turn, would smile, ask his opinion to flatter him, coaxe him to try and bring him out of his shell.

She was the only one who could.

I kept my gaze ahead and tried to reply in a normal tone of voice.

'_A while, I guess.'_

We were both silent for a moment, before Aerith spoke up again.

'_He reminds me of Zack.'_

'_Who?'_

'_Zack. He was my first boyfriend' _I saw her head droop as a sad smile crossed her features _'He was a top soldier, one of the best.'_

I admit that I was more then a little curious, she had spoken so little about her personal life in Radiant Garden. But then again, I had been the same.

'_What…happened?'_

When she did not answer immediately I became worried that I had touched on a sore spot in her life.

'_It's all right. You…you don't have to-'_

'_He left to come here.' _Aerith raised her head to look up at the sky. I thought I saw her blinking back tears_ 'Zack, he left to help out the army here, when we first heard reports of Wutai's demise. I…I never heard from him again.'_

I shifted uncomfortably, before putting an arm around her for comfort. Although her lip was trembling a little, she did not cry. Aerith smiled up at me.

'_Don't worry about me…I'm fine. It just…still makes me sad. Even after all this time. Silly, I know-'_

'_It's not.'_

She looked slightly startled at being cut off. I patted her shoulder in what I hoped was a reassuring manner.

'_It's not silly at all.' _My jaw tightened a fraction and I had closed my eyes momentarily, keeping my emotions tightly in check. My mask did not shift a fraction.

I could feel her waiting for me to elaborate. Well, I had thought, she had trusted me enough to confide in me, the least I could do was to give her something back.

'_It…it will…always make me sad…thinking about them, the people that I've lost.' _I let out a soft, bitter laugh _'Don't regard them…don't think that its silly to miss them. It…it isn't.'_

I found it hard to meet her gaze. She was so open about her feelings, so unafraid of them. I was. I did everything in my power to hide mine under lock and key. I was afraid I would lose my composure if I looked into her eyes. I had stared at the building in front of me instead.

I felt Aerith reach up and squeeze my hand.

We sat in silence again.

'_He's wrong, you know.'_

'_What?'_

Aerith managed to catch my eye that time.

'_Cloud. He said you're hard to talk to, but you're not.' _She turned her head to one side, regarding me _'You just know how to listen properly.' _

'_Uh…' _

I did not know what to say; though there had been a whirl of thoughts running through my head. Cloud talked to Aerith. He actually talked. About me. Not just me, I did not assume that, but he confided in her, just like I was now.

Was I jealous? Should I be? Why?

'_Don't look so embarrassed!' _she said, letting go of my hand and poking me in the side _'He just doesn't understand you, that's all.'_

'_So he understands you?' _I asked her as I folded my arms. I raised an eyebrow at her in an effort not to appear too flustered.

'_No.' _Aerith sat back and hugged herself _' He just…knows how to categorize me…or…at least, he thinks he does.'_

I frowned, not understanding. She grinned and raised a hand to her forehead in mock faint.

'_You know, damsel in distress. I need to be saved, oh great hero, help!'_

We both broke out into giggles over her dramatic performance. I swear that girl could make anyone giggle.

Heh. Memories. Let them come and they will flow on forever.

'_I need to ask you something.'_

The light-hearted laugh was gone, and her voice grew serious.

'..._hmm?'_

'_Do you…remember the airship we saw earlier?'_

I nodded at her, intrigued.

'_Well, it…it's going to arrive here soon, and when it does…can you…make sure that everyone gets on it…no matter h-how bad everything is.'_

I was sitting up straight now, staring at her with doubt and apprehension. There was a gnawing sensation in my gut, telling me to watch out for something.

'_Please! You have to promise me this. You have to do this for me, even though I might not be here-'_

'_Why would you not be here?'_

No answer. I tried again.

'_What do you know? What's going to happen?'_

'…'

'_Aerith?'_

This time it was she who had avoided my gaze, keeping her mouth in a set line.

'_Aerith!'_

'_You know, we should be getting back. It sure is darkening, and Red will probably be worried.'_

Aerith stood up and began walking determinedly away. Still anxious, I was quick to follow, and not about to give up.

'_Ae-'_

'_Don't worry about it, Tifa. Just…remember what I said, OK?'_

'_But-'_

'_Stop fussing!' _She said with a smile that was not meant to look forced.

I stopped. What more could I have done? Would it have made a difference?

Ah…why dwell on it now? It has already happened, nothing can be changed, anyway.

* * *

It was fast becoming evening, but it was not the on setting night that cloaked the streets of Junon in darkness. Black clouds boiled above us, rumbling deep thunder that birthed no rain. 

It was too quiet.

After leaving the look out platform, Aerith and I had made with all haste through the winding street camps and hastily erected buildings. Not a person was in sight. We saw fearful faces peering out through windowed curtains and closed tent flaps. A small man ran past us, cursing the weather as he sprinted down the street.

We paused, both looking anxiously at the sky. I could feel my skin rising in goose bumps across my arms.

I bit my lip, not wanting to voice my fears that the Darkness had finally arrived to Junon. Aerith was still staring into sky, lost in thought. I lightly rapped my gloved knuckle on her shoulder, getting her attention before indicating we should continue moving. Wordlessly, we both set off again, in a light yet worried jog.

It was so damn quiet!

Two blocks up the street, Aerith stopped again. My jaw tightened in worried impatience as I went to drag her away.

'_Aerith, we don-'_

I had stopped dead still as I felt the hairs on the back of my neck rise and the prickle along my skin run down my back and arms. It was my gut instincts telling me that trouble was most definitely afoot, and I trusted them unquestioningly.

_'Aerith…'_

Slowly, I turned to face her. I could see it in her eyes she had felt it too. Her mouth had been in such a hard line that it worried me. Aerith never looked like that.

All my senses felt on edge, heightened, and I was practically brimming with pent up energy. Fight or flight decision. From what I wasn't sure of, yet.

I saw Aerith move as if to say something, and saw her eyes widen as I felt the tingling on my neck intensify and heard the soft sound of a footfall behind me.

I spun round in an instant into a defensive stance, pushing Aerith behind me away from the force that had set my danger instinct on haywire.

Sephiroth.

My heart plummeted, and my mouth went stone dry.

The General stood before us, cloaked in black with his burning green eyes fixed on us. His flawless face was expressionless apart from the cruel half smile that curled up one side of his mouth.

I felt Aerith shift behind me.

Aerith. She couldn't fight him, I had thought. Red expects me to take care of her. I shifted my weight onto the balls of my feet subtly.

'_Aerith' _I murmured, keeping my eyes fixed on the man before us _'run.'_

'_Wha-no! Teef-' _She had tried to move forward then, to stand beside me. My focus was fading from her, I could feel anger rising in me, anger aimed at Sephiroth.

He had killed my family, my friends, he had destroyed my homes. He wanted to consume everything with his cursed Heartless. I wanted revenge.

_'I'm not-'_

'_RUN!' _I snarled at her, wrenching her behind me before shouting out a cry as I threw myself towards the demon in black.

I think I must have scared her, or startled her. I believe she was too shocked at my actions to do anything but obey me. I am sorry for yelling so harshly at her, but I wanted her out of my way as I fought Sephiroth for my revenge. For, as much as I did want to protect her, I wanted to see his blood run for my own satisfaction more.

He moved effortlessly out of the way as I quickly spun to attack him again. Each leap forward I swung at him in a quick procession of lightning fast, chi-filled punches and strikes. The General evaded each blow, just out of reach. I snarled and went for his head with a flying kick, only to roll over in mid air as I barely dodged that massive sword of his.

Masume. The bastard had stolen it from Wutai long ago.

Rolling as I hit the cobbled ground, I came back up to a ready stance.

Flash of silver. Whistling wind.

I threw myself backward to avoid the vertical cut. He came at me again, with a series of seamless slices, knifing the air as I desperately jumped, ducked and rolled to avoid them. He was pushing me back now as I struggled to match his unholy speed. The General's eyes were as cold as ice.

Stepping back lightly, I ducked as I dashed forward while his cut continued its downward swing. Swinging my fist up, it crackled with chi as I went for his headwith an upper-cut. He moved slightly, before, with a small flick of his wrist, arching his sword towards me with impossible speed.

I moved on instinct, sliding out of its path as I continued the momentum into a viscous kick aimed at his sides. Again, he moved effortlessly out of the way before coming at me again.

I took a sharp intake of breath as I threw myself away from his sword. I had heard the street crack under the impact of his cut. I landed on my shoulder, rolling back onto my feet before darting quick smart to the right to avoid yet another perfect cut. Sprinting, I ran towards the clear patch of solid wall that had been just behind me. I could feel the Generals presence as he made chase.

I prayed this would work.

Pausing for a fraction to ensure he was close enough, I leapt at the wall, twisting my body so that both feet were in front. Using the hard surface, I used my momentum to propel myself higher into the air. I heard the grate of metal hitting concrete as I back flipped over the General's head.

Dropping to the ground hard, I snapped out my leg, trying to break at least one of Sephiroth's shins. The demon nimbly jumped over my strike.

I could hear the blade sing as it arched its way to me. Seeing the opening I had prayed for, I launched off the ground up under the swords cut, pushing his wrist away and slamming all my weight and my chi into a bone breaking kick that would of decimated a normal man's ribcage.

I went to follow it with a punch to his face with my free hand, and found myself flying.

Pain exploded through my body and the air was shot out of me as I fell in a heap of rubble to ground. I gasped like a suffocating fish, trying to draw air into my bruised lungs. I tried to move, but ended up scrabbling in the rubble as I felt my back and ribs burning intensely.

He had thrown me at a wall. With a flick of his wrist.

Blinking rapidly to see through the haze of pain's gray, I struggled to stand. I failed, uttering a pathetic moan of pain as I slid onto the wall that had broken me. I was covered in dirt, sweat, dust and blood.

A deep, cruel chuckle sounded somewhere ahead of me.

I glared through the grit at me; my vision had started to clear. I clenched my teeth and once again tried to stand.

A new burst of raw pain burned my right shoulder as I was pinned back to the wall. I swear it was like fire. Trying not to scream, I shakily turned my head to see the long, deadly blade of Masume embedded deep into my flesh.

I groaned, and hung my head.

'_So, a student of the Shang, is it? Come to avenge your master?' _The voice was cruel, mocking, and sounded very far away _'You've done a poor job indeed.'_

The chuckle again, except I wasn't really listening. I was too preoccupied with the horrible sucking sound my shoulder had made as he removed his cursed blade.

I had wanted to die. He was mocking me. He had been mocking me the entire fight. I was nothing compared to him.

I had hoped he would kill me quickly.

My head jerked back as he brought the tip of Masume up to slice my throat.

He sneered at me.

_'Why bother?'_

He strode away without a second glance at my shattered form.

Bile rose to the back of my throat and I tried to snarl at his retreating back. He did not consider me worthy of a warrior's death. He had left me, defeated and defenseless, to become nothing, to be consumed by that which I hated most, a Heartless.

In a flurry of black feathers, he was gone.

* * *

**Authors note:** I did some splicing of a chapter to make this one longer.

Well, whaddaya think of the Tifa/Aerith character interaction, hell, what do ya think about that fight scene? Was it easy to follow/understand? I must say, it was a lot of fun to write, and I am pleased with it.

First bit where Sephiroth actually says something, heh.

Drop a line if you want :)


	20. Recollection ixx

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any characters/worlds depicted.

**Recollection ixx**

They were hesitant at first. Drawn by the beating heart, I could feel the Heartless slowly edging closer to me. I could glimpse them out the corners of my eyes.

'…_no…grrn.' _I must have muttered something like that, biting back the dizzy spell.

I had lain there, for a moment, wondering if I should just give up. Then I had thought that that was what he expected me to do, and so I tried to push my self more upright. I had to stop because it hurt.

Mental checklist of Tifa Lockart's physical condition commencing in three, two, one.

Go from the head down, I remembered Sensei telling me. Sucking in a deep breath, I began. Skull; bruised and grazed, may be slight concussion. Blood nose, not severe but painful. Neck; signs of whiplash,may be cause of dizzy sensation. Arms and shoulders; grazed, sore and aching. Right shoulder seriously injured. Torso; battered back, more then a few ribs broken, some worse then others. No apparent puncturing of lungs, which was very good. Lower torso, bruised and scraped but otherwise ok. Legs: stiff, shaking and sore, but not too badly battered.

I remember focusing hard to concentrate on this analysis. The temptation to sleep had been almost over whelming.

The Heartless crept closer.

I had known that I was easy prey in that condition. My mind had sought through anything that could have helped me. I had carried no potions that morning. I would in future. I could not contact any of my friends; they could all be dead already. Aerith had been-

My mind had snagged of the white mage. Not on her, but what she had taught me. A few healing tricks, that's all I had been able to manage. But they would do. I needed to be able to walk, something that was beyond me in my present condition.

Closing my eyes, I blotted out the wavering dark shadows that wanted my heart. I slowed my breathing, calmed my mind. Deep breaths. I became distant from my physical self, separate. I accepted the pains and aches of my body. They were apart of me. I was aware.

I focused my thoughts first on my forehead. I needed to collect them, concentrate them away from my frayed nerves and tired limbs. The same process I used to gather my chi when in deep meditation. With my focus, I looked into myself, into the void, I guess, where the heart and spirit reside. Figuratively speaking, of course.

My chi was flickering, depleted and tired, but still whole. White magic is not apart of chi; it is sort of lighter, more elusive. My chi is apart of me. Every person has this spirit energy; I can simply control mine so that it concentrates around my physical body. Magic is…different, it seem to come from around the heart. Not from the heart, but from the same space. It's hard to explain, but that's how it is.

There. I found it.

I dipped into the small, shimmering place near my heart, and drew it out of me in a thread. It was pitifully small and weak. I struggled to control it. Left alone, it would have healed all my minor scrapes and bruises, becoming used up before it did any real good.

Ribs first, I willed it fiercely to obey. The small thread wound it's way through my bones, mending cracks and rejoining breaks. I grimaced as I felt as I felt my ribs move back into place. The thread was fading fast though; my magic is weak. I pushed it too its very limits before gasping out loud as the magic unraveled and faded, completely used up.

When I opened my eyes, I realized I was sweating heavily, and bone tired. My rib cage was sore and very tender, but I could move.

Staggering to my feet, I had to lean on the wall for support as my head span wildly. Looking down at my wounded shoulder, I winced. My jacket was covered in blood, having bled freely whilst I healed myself. Groaning, I shed my jacket, tearing the material wih one hand to provide rough bandages for the wound. It was no work of art, but it stopped the bleeding.

I felt the tell-tale prickle of danger and turned to see a multitude of Heartless scampering towards me. Cursing under my breath, I high tailed out of there, running down the same street Aerith had fled through.

Although sore, bruised and with one arm out of action, I could still run well enough. And hand out a mean kick if I had too.

If I really had too.

* * *

As you have probably already surmised, I was not in a good condition. My limited healing ability had only just managed to patch together my broken ribs. The rest of me was in tatters.

And Junon was dying.

The city was being consumed by the Heartless before my very eyes. Just about everyone had already submitted to the Darkness, I saw no one on the streets as I stumbled my way through.

I was stuck in the middle of a death trap. I could only pray that my companions were all safe, unlikely as it seemed possible. And I had to find Aerith before Sephiroth got to her, for I had no doubt he was here to destroy her.

Clutching at my wounded shoulder with my good arm, I winced with every running step. I could not go very fast, it just hurt me too much, but I pushed myself as much as I could. The Heartless doggedly trailed my every step, much to my dismay.

Scowling at one, I turned a corner that would eventually take me to where our tent had been. I assumed Aerith was headed there. It was also the only destination I had in mind, and I had to keep moving.

Minute by minute I struggled to keep myself from panicking. More and more Heartless were coming after me, and I would not be able to keep ahead for long. Sweat was streaming down my body as I tried to keep myself ahead of them.

Fear of losing your heart can turn you into an animal.

Another right turn, and I was onto the last stretch before our street. I had no other goal except to get to the tent. My ability to think beyond getting there had deserted me, as I held a small and fragile hope that somehow; something there would save me.

Last turn right, and I broke out into a running sprint. My legs protested heavily and my tender sides burned with the effort, but I was next to desperate. The swelling group of Heartless were biting at my ankles, reaching out with their long fingers to grab at my arms. I could feel their dark presence over my shoulders. A fall, a stumble here would get me killed.

But what else was new?

The tent. I had run to the tent.

It was destroyed, but you were expecting that.

I remember letting out a choked wail as I ran past it. It was empty. Anyone who had been there was dead and gone. My body did not even falter, though my mind went numb. I guess I just thought just to run until they caught me.

That was before I saw the swirling black nimbus churning in a vortex around a figure suspended in midair. The silver hair and long sword gave it away.

The General.

I felt the Heartless behind me quiver collectively. Don't ask me how, I just felt it.

The sight was one of terrible beauty. He truly looked like the god he sought to become. The Darkness clung around his elevated form, pulsating power and energy.

And then he was gone, but the Darkness remained. The swirling vortex intensified.

I felt my throat clench up in fear, there were so many Heartless. Now before me as well as behind me. I could do nothing but run forward, I was trapped.

Before me the street was clogged up with debris, bits of broken building and a multitude of Heartless. They crawled over everything, in constant motion, eyes gleaming in hunger. I saw a man, standing in the midst of them, motionless as they jumped at him, clawing their way to his heart.

I had a sudden vision of my father, standing straight, overwhelmed by the Darkness.

But my father was long gone, and this man held a massive, oversized sword…

'_CLOUD!!'_

I screamed as another Heartless leapt at him. He turned at my voice. Throat raw, I threw myself into horde, ignoring the bite in my shoulder that flared every time I moved. Twisting, I snapped out a kick at the Heartless in front of me, not pausing as I raced passed it.

I quickly found myself surrounded, struggling to tackle the constant attacks that came from all sides. After my brief burst of energy, I was running out of fire fast. There were just too many of them, and no way out.

Lashing out in a back kick, I felt my body struggling to cope. Turning to deliver a roundhouse kick in to the creature in front of me, I briefly wondered how much longer I could last. My vision was turning gray again. Shaking my head to focus, I leapt forward to tackle yet another Heartless.

Only, my legs buckled. I crumpled to the ground, cursing as I tried to force myself up. I was too slow, and I knew it. The Darkness closed in, until all I could see were those yellow, unblinking eyes.

I was done for.

* * *

A sharp stinging pain on the left side of my face pulled me back into consciousness.

I wanted to go back to oblivion.

'…_c'mon…'_

I was half way to opening my lead-filled eyelids when a fresh wave of pain ascended onto my cheek. I managed to blurt out some incoherent stuttering that would indicate that I was conscious.

'…_Tifa?'_

Oh how my body ached at that moment. It all hit me at once and there is no way to describe it except to say that I felt like shit.

I correct myself. The phrase 'gone through an electric blender' just came to mind.

Blinking to regain my vision, I looked up at the shadowy figure before me. Haunted blue eyes swam into my vision, along side a scraped and torn narrow face.

Cloud.

I almost choked. I did not know what was going on. I thought I could be delusional, but I reasoned that this hurt too much to be anything but real.

'…_mmmurrgh' _I tried to speak.

He was no longer looking at me. I groaned as I felt my shoulder wound being examined and prodded. My makeshift bandaged was removed and a warm, tingling sensation settled over the pain laced area. A moment later, a glass vile was pushed onto my lips and the strange liquid coursed down my throat.

Potion, I thought, grateful.

The tingling sensation spread into my stomach, and I became dizzy and light headed with the healing.

Spluttering, I pushed the vile away. No use wasting it. Cloud screwed the lid back on and pocketed it as I sat up. The heady feeling was gone, replaced with bone weary exhaustion and aching limbs.

Potions, for all they heal our physical wounds, cannot remove the exertions of hard fighting.

My hand went up to my injured shoulder, inspecting the new, tender line of pink skin that was my wound. Cautiously, I stretched my arm out; wincing as freshly healed bone and muscle twinged in protest.

'_Can you fight?'_

I turned to face Cloud. He looked worse off then me.

'_Can you-'_

'_Yeah… yeah' _Slowly, I stood up, trying to ignore my shaking legs and the part of my brain that was yelling at me to lie down again _'…should be able to.'_

'_Good. We have to get moving.' _Hefting up that massive sword of his, Cloud stood beside me.

My eyes swept the area we were in. It was dark, in twilight. The alleyway was devoid of life apart from the two of us. Clumps of broken concrete and smashed up tent poles littered the area, the tent canvas hanging loosely like sacks of skin.

I shuddered.

'_Where to?'_

Cloud did not answer immediately. I looked at his face, noting how grim and tortured it looked. I dared another question, one that was gnawing at my mind.

'…_the others?'_

His head jerked to face me, and for a moment I was absorbed by his intense blue eyes. I saw sadness in there, grief, and a lot of guilt. Regret and indecision played about in that gaze and I could not find it in my self to say anything.

He shrugged and looked away.

I felt my heart sink. It could only mean the worst. I bit my lip and set my eyes forward, determined. Now was not the time to break down.

'_We have to get to the airship.' _I hoped my voice had sounded strong.

Cloud threw me a puzzled look. I made as if to shrug, stopping as my shoulder flared up.

'_It's what she told me to do.'_

He hung his head and let out a long, shaky breath. I felt my heart in my throat as I reached out to touch his arm. We both knew who she was. And I guessed that Sephiroth had-

NO!

I had blinked back my tears and swallowed the oncoming sob. It hurt, but we had to get out of here. I had made a silent promise to her that I would get everybody on that airship, even if everybody were now just Cloud and I.

Oh God.

'_Come on, Cloud.' _I had said softly _'We're not finished yet.'_

He raised his head and nodded. I don't know if he knew exactly what I meant, but I knew. This fight wasn't over; we weren't finished with Sephiroth just yet.

* * *

**Authors note: **Another long chappie for you all. I kinda glossed over Aerith's death here, but it is from Tifa's POV, so she doesn't really know whats happened at this point. All will be explained.

A little bit of readerly support wouldn't go unnoticed. Chapter 20, guys, at least drop a line to say hi to me.


	21. Recollection xx

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any characters/worlds.

**Recollection xx**

I was not there. But, through the tales of others, I think I know how the whole thing played out. My own tale fits into this version, from when Aerith left me to when Cloud saved me. The small details I have guessed, but it is what I imagined what had happened.

Sometimes I find myself playing the would-be scene over and over in my mind, filtering what I know out of what I guessed. It's like a loose tooth. I can not leave it alone, and I find myself lost in thoughts of what was, what could have been and what might have been.

I guess I am stalling, so, to the point.

Nanaki had taken Marlene back to the tent, after leaving Aerith with myself. He had seen the airship. I sometimes think that he knew all along what was going to happen, or had suspected it. I had never found the courage to ask him.

I know he hurt so much. He had known her the longest of us, after all.

So, he would have gone to tent, with a sense of deep foreboding. Marlene would have been aware, I think, that he was worried. She could pick up things like that, for one so young.

She might have said something to try and comfort him. I don't know, it doesn't really matter.

They would have reached our tent, amidst the panic of the streets, to find Barret pacing impatiently. He had told me later that even then, people were afraid. The soldiers had gone onto red alert, and the people knew that something was coming.

Their beloved General.

But I must try not to be so bitter. It does no good.

Barret would have looked up, relief on his face when Marlene and Nanaki entered the tent. He probably caught her up in one of his enormous hugs, almost smothering her.

Red had told them both to say there, and had raced off to find Vincent and Cloud. They were both training. Or had been, before the Soldiers had ushered them away from the barracks.

Red would have made them race back to our tent, certain now that something was amiss. Vincent said he had heard from one of the Soldiers that a group of Heartless had been spotted inside the city.

Now, excluding Aerith and myself, they were all at the tent that had become our cramped home. Nanaki had told them about the airship, and how they were all to board it with no complaints once it arrived. I believe he and Aerith had sorted this out beforehand.

Barret had protested, saying that the men-folk had to find the female members of Avalanche before high tailing it out of there. He would have looked worriedly down at Marlene then, I'm sure.

Cloud then volunteered to look for us, refusing Nanaki's help, saying that he would be fine alone. They had made a checkpoint. Red had assured us that the ship's captain would listen to us. He said Aerith held great weight in Radiant Garden.

The airship would wait above a certain building, to pick up Cloud, Aerith and I when we reached there.

So Nanaki had led Barret, Marlene and Vincent away to meet the airship. Cloud went to find us.

It is here that most of my guesswork begins. Cloud does not talk much about it, and we do not press him to. It was hard on all of us.

After I had snarled at Aerith to run, I believe she had headed back to the tent. It was the only logical destination. Maybe she went to get help, or to warn them that Sephiroth was there, or she had run, for a moment, afraid of her destiny.

But I do not believe in destiny, or the predetermined. I think she ran because I told her too and there was nothing else for her to do. Maybe she panicked, I would of. I did, when I ran.

I wonder if she had ran with every step, thinking about the inevitable. She probably knew that I would never be able to defeat Sephiroth. Surly she knew that, sooner or later, he would be after her again.

Because that was why he came to Junon. Not for Avalanche. Not even for the city and its people. He came for her.

Somewhere along the way she had found Cloud. He would have reached out to her, to support her. Maybe his eyes widened and he verbally asked why I was not there. Maybe she told him shakily that I was fighting the General. Perhaps he glanced in my general direction, regret on his features, before assuming the worst and pulling Aerith away.

Maybe, perhaps, I don't know. He might of said nothing, just finding Aerith and deciding that he had to get her at least to safety. Maybe he guessed from Aerith's sad and panicked face that I was gone. Maybe he did not care.

But now, that is being unfair to both of them.

It is a morbid fascination, thinking about what people might feel about your own demise, and I do not normally dwell on it. I guess because I am telling you this I can afford to explore my own thoughts, from time to time.

Wherever they had met up, they did not get far past our street before Sephiroth, having left me incapacitated, had found them. The Heartless would have emerged, by then. Swarming the streets and consuming everyone. Aerith would have been weeping as Cloud dragged her away. She loved life, and the destruction the Heartless reaped forth pained her in a way I could never fully understand.

He would have appeared silently, like a wraith, before Cloud noticed him and, I imagine, doing the same thing as I, pushed Aerith behind him protectively and going after the General.

I do not know if they fought. I do not think they did. I imagine that Sephiroth had had enough playing around and wanted just to…to finish the job

Cloud, full of anger, would have charged first, of that I am certain.

This is guesswork, but it seems to be the most likely thing. Sephiroth would have dodged, easily, breaking past Cloud and running through a waiting Aerith.

Cloud's words, not mine.

'_He ran her through.' _In a flat, emotionless voice that masked the turmoil I knew boiled inside of him.

It sounded such a cruel way to describe her demise.

Did she know? This thought plagues me so much. Did she open out her arms in acceptance as he killed her? Did she smile sadly at an astonished Cloud over her murderer's shoulder?

I think so. She was beautiful; she would have died a beautiful death, a Lady to the end.

Cloud said there was no body. He said this, voice breaking. He said her form had just broken up, dissipating into the air as Sephiroth laughed and rose up to the dark heavens.

He had wanted to die then, I know. That's why he was just standing there, letting the Heartless attack him, when I arrived.

I had shouted out his name, breaking whatever spell that had held him. He had saved me as I collapsed, slinging me over one shoulder as he fought his way out of the Darkness.

Once away from the Heartless, he had woken me up, none to gently, before healing me with one of the three potions he had.

I had thought they were all dead. He was too broken at that time to tell me all of the above. I do not blame him for leaving me in the dark. He was too distraught at his own failure. He did not know that I knew about the airship, which is why he was confused when I said we should find it.

We had grimly fought our way to the rendezvous, the top of a tall building a few streets away. I could see it hovering in the sky as we raced there. Climbing up the abandoned buildings exit stairs, as the elevator was dead, we made it to the top. The airship threw down a rope ladder and we hauled ourselves up it, buffeted by the storm that encircled the city.

I passed out when I saw Marlene run towards me.

It was the shock and exhaustion, I think.

* * *

**Authors note:** Bit of an interlude chapter to establish whats happened, hope you like(as always) it is a bit of a strange one, I think.

Big thanks to all who reviewed.


	22. Recollection xxi

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing

* * *

**Recollection xxiv**

When I had woken, I found myself lying on my back on the floor, with a rough blanket wrapped around me and another ragged bundle nestled under my head.

I groaned, my limbs had felt so terribly stiff and sore.

Rolling over so I was on my stomach, I pushed myself up with my hands. Now on my knees, I looked down at myself, examining my physical condition.

I had been healed.

Frowning, I reached up to my shoulder to feel where my wound had been. It was healed far more completely then any potion could have done.

Craning my neck to look at it, I saw that I would have a scar on both sides of my shoulder until the end of my days.

There were no cuts or scrapes on me either, other then a few minor bruises.

This was white mage work.

'_Tifa!'_

I looked up sharply, in time to catch a glimpse of the girl before she threw herself into my arms.

I almost fell backwards with the force of the impact, and my ribs protested at being squeezed so. It only took me a moment, though, to return Marlene's fierce embrace.

'…_sweetie, Marlene, you're safe…'_

My voice caught and I buried my face into her hair, overwhelmed.

My little girl.

I held her there for a while. As I have mentioned, I thought they had all been taken.

She squirmed in my grip after a while, and I relinquished her reluctantly. She looked up at me with clear eyes and beamed at me. Trying my best, I managed a weak smile in return.

Marlene accepted it, nodding and hugging me again. My heart swelled.

Looking around, I was finally able to assess our surroundings. To my surprise, I saw lots of people sitting silently and watching us. The sad remains of broken families huddled together. They all looked as worn and as tortured as Cloud had, I thought. They had all lost loved ones.

We were in a largish room; bare of any furniture apart from some small crates and other prone figures that lay beside me. _The injured _I had realized. Some where awake, others were still sleeping. The ceiling was fairly low and littered with wires and cables that ran the length of it. The walls were large panels, heavily bolted together.

That was then my slow working brain made the connection between the odd room and the airship I vaguely remembered boarding.

Stroking Marlene's hair absent mindedly, I gazed at the people lying on the makeshift beds around me. Biting my lip, I looked for shock of blond hair and a large, telltale sword.

'_Marlene?'_

'_Nn…yeah?' _She wiggled in my grasp.

'_Uh…did…is anyone else here? You know, from Av-from our tent?'_

Looking up at me, she nodded solemnly _'Red got Papa, Mister Vincent and me and some others around here to this ship before…before…'_

Her voice trailed of and she shrugged despondently at me. I had hugged her again, trying to cope with the immense storm of feelings that overcame me. Utter, bone-shaking relief was predominating of them. Not everyone had been lost, some of us where still here…

Except Aerith.

Marlene hadn't mentioned her as those who had gotten away. Cloud's eyes had told of despair and grief when he had saved me. Sephiroth had left Junon triumphant. I could read the signs. Aerith was dead.

I let out a long, shaky sigh and realized that I had been clenching my jaw tightly. Loosening it, I glanced up to see Barret, standing unobtrusively at a distance and watching Marlene and I with a sad look in his eyes.

He caught my gaze and smiled wearily at me.

Lowering my eyes, I pried Marlene off me and attempted to stand up.

The room swam before me. I reeled, grabbing Marlene's shoulder for support. I heard her cry out, in worry or shock, I don't know.

Slowly, my vision stopped spinning and I steadied myself. Someone held my elbow in support and I looked up to see Vincent by my side.

'_I'm ok…thanks.'_

He nodded and let go.

Barret came, scowling at me for getting up too fast too soon and I had to smile at his worry. Seeing I was fine, his expression softened and he brusquely clasped my good shoulder in greeting.

'_Good t'see yer awake, Tifs, ye had us worried when Spike first hauled ye in.'_

My voice seemed to have left me. I nodded; feeling teary eyed but not wanting to show it.

I think he understood. He gave my shoulder a reassuring squeeze and knelt to pick up his daughter, who was clinging onto his leg.

'_You should see the white mage before you assume you're completely healed.' _I turned at the quiet sound of Vincent's voice.

'_There's a white mage aboard?'_

He nodded. I waited for him to elaborate. When he did not, I sighed, scrubbing my face with my hand.

'_Rest some more.' _He advised, moving away.

So I did.

* * *

The next time I awoke, it was to the fizzy sensation of white magic.

Cracking open an eyelid, I peered at the small figure that knelt beside me. To my surprise, the mage appeared to be a young girl, almost as young as Marlene. Her eyes were closed tight in concentration, her magic twisting out of her in twining ropes as it seeped under my skin.

Closing my eyes again, I stayed silent so as not to disturb her.

Time passed, and eventually I felt the tendrils of active magic leave me. Opening my eyes again, I twisted my head to look at the young white mage.

'_Hello.'_

She glanced up, startled.

'_Oh! You're awake.'_

I smiled and nodded to her. She was a strange creature. Large eyes and an impish face framed by dark blue hair filled my vision as she checked my temperature.

'_You should be all right. I just wanted to go over the bones and muscle around your back, whoever healed your ribs did an awful job indeed!'_

I nodded and blushed, I knew I was no healer.

She rocked back onto her heels, and absently I noted the bright yellow ribbon that adorned her hair. It had vaguely reminded me of Aerith. That, and her clear green eyes. I found that my throat was choking up.

'_Hmmm, a couple of spinal vertebrae where slightly out of place as well, but it was the ribs that worried me the most. That, and your shoulder…'_

Clearing my throat, I warily sat up. The girl was regarding me intently, and I realized that she was openly curious as to how I had received my wound.

'_Th-thanks for the healing. I appr-'_

'_Oh, that's nothing' _She smiled at me with her hands on her hips, aware that I was not going to satisfy her curiosity. _'I am Eiko Carol, by the way, and you are Tifa Lockhart, your friends told me, so don't look like that.'_

I nodded again, amused. I sobered up when I remembered I did not know how Cloud fared.

'_Please, one of my friends, the man I arrived with, I don't know if he's-'_

'_If you mean the guy with the stupid hair, then, he's fine. He woke up a while ago. I'm finished healing him, nothing but scowls, that one.'_

'_Thank you.' _One of the knots of worry in my stomach was released.

Eiko stood up.

'_Well, you should be right fine, if a little tired. A couple of days rest and you'll be as good as new.'_

She nodded one last time before walking over to one of the other floor bound patients.

Sighing, I eased myself up. The room seemed darker then before, and most people around me were sleeping.

I felt a pang in my chest, and for a desperate moment, I believed that all my friends were gone, and that I had imagined their presence.

Silly, I know, but it passed.

I think I fell back asleep, for the next thing I knew I was being woken up by a baby's wailing.

* * *

**Authors note: **So sorry that I haven't updated in a while. I am currently travelling around Western Europe, so my updates may be a little late during the next six months. Please bare with me, I will still update, just not as often.

Hope you all enjoyed this chapter:)


	23. Recollection xxii

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing

**Recollection xxv**

It was three days until I was able to stand without my vision swinging. I slept for most of them. The little white mage, Eiko, had told me as much.

When I awoke, I learned what had transpired on that fateful day in Junon. As cold as it sounds, I did not weep for Aerith. Every time I thought of her I would choke up and have difficulty speaking, but my eyes remained stone dry. All they did was itch furiously, making them red and raw when I rubbed them.

Seeing Nanaki was difficult. Mostly just for me, for I felt I had let him down. He is not human, and although I had learnt much on his behavioral language, I could not decipher his feelings about Aerith. He did not appear to be any more silent then before, yet his scarred face seemed to have become so much older and somber then I recalled. His single eye gave out an emotion that baffled me for a long time, but I think I understand now.

It was acceptance.

The first morning I saw him, I walked straight up to him, knelt down, and hugged him.

He is a beast, not a dog, and should never be treated as anything of little intelligence. But I needed to convey to him my regret and my apologies. I had meant to protect her, but in reality, I most likely sent Aerith to her doom. I had been too caught up in my own rage, my own want for revenge, that I had put her safety second to my lust for battle and the chance to avenge my people. I knew I could never have defeated Sephiroth, but I had sent her away, alone, anyway.

That was why I needed his forgiveness.

I heard some gasps of astonishment and disapproval from behind me, but I had not cared. This was between Red and I, and I could not convey these feelings through words at that time. I trusted that, not only would he refrain from mauling me, but that he would be able to understand what I was trying to convey.

He is a beast, after all. He has senses that outstrip a humans by far.

Pulling away, we stayed face to face for a moment. My eyes were itching like crazy and I was trying hard not to let my bottom lip tremble.

Nanaki blew softly through his nose at me, engulfing me in his scent. I managed to smile weakly and tilted my face to the ground. I felt humbled. I felt another brush of air against my face before he let out what I can only describe as a deep, throaty purr.

It was comforting sound, like a lullaby.

Startled, I looked back at him and saw his large furred face regarding me, just like he had done on that day. He gave what is his version of a smile, a slight crinkling of the muzzle and upper cheek muscles, with the jaw but a little open.

His eye expressed it best.

'…_th-ank you…'_ I managed to say.

He gave a light _wuff, _before turning to leave.

Watching him walk away, I began to chuckle lightly.

I am glad that none of my other companions viewed that encounter. It would have been hard to explain what had happened, it was the sought of thing that had been spoken through feelings rather then words. Nanaki is not a human. He is a beast of instinct, nature and intelligence. His perception of the world, or worlds, is much clearer, so different from our own. Just as I expressed my guilt and regret to him through my feelings, so did he tell me his advice.

You do what you do, whether it is in the past, present or future. You cannot change it; you can only try to learn.

In a way, it comes back to one of the earliest lessons Sensei taught me; go along with the flowing current.

You do what you do, and try not to get bogged down with it, you let it go.

You let it flow, moving onwards. Same water, different stream, and the nature of water is the same in all streams, is it not?

You cannot fight your own nature. But you can learn from it. The main thing is not to let it pull you down with 'what ifs.' You've done what you've done, you can't change it.

You can only do what you can, and hope that what you do do will be enough. Dwelling on what you did will only drag you to the bottom of the river and no one wants to be there. That's why, to move with the life current, you have to let go of the past.

Cloud had a lot of trouble with that one. He still does. He can't let go.

* * *

**Authors notes:** A bit of a strange chapter, I know, but I kind of like it. Not much else to say.

Thanks to everyone who's reviewed.


	24. Recollection xxiii

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing.

**Recollection xxvi**

The captain of the airship was a loud, gruff man by the name of Cid Highwind.

His name niggled at something in my memory, but I could not place it. I was surprised then, when he first appeared in the hold, spotted Barret, and made a direct beeline for us.

'_You, Wallace, I thought I heard you were on my plane.'_

'_Yo.'_

'_Is that _all _you have to say, eh?'_

He leaned backwards, and chewed on the cigarette that was caught between his lips. His face suddenly broke out into off line smile.

'_Damn, it good to see you.'_

'_You to, Highwind.'_

I watched, wide eyed, as the two men reached over and heartily shook hands. Barret's eyes crinkled as he grinned.

'_What tha hell ye doin' ferrying this ole' hunk o' junk 'round, I thought yer were gonna go explorin'.'_

Cid scowled. _'Fe your damn information, this 'hunk o' junk' is one of the most sophisticated pieces of air transportation this side of the god damn moon, knuckle head!'_

Barret simply chuckled. Marlene peaked out shyly from behind him. Cid's bright blue eyes swiveled to her.

'_Ah! An' here's a little lady I ain't seen for a long time.' _He bent down and ruffled her hair '_Why, I last saw you when you was but a small mewllin' mite. You sure grown up, kid.' _

Marlene nodded her head shyly, and reached for my hand.

'_She sure has! My little girl's sproutin' up like a beanstalk!' _Barret said with all the enthusiasm of a proud father. I smiled to myself, and gave the girl's hand a little squeeze.

Cid grinned, straightening up.

'_And you would be?' _

_'Tifa Lockhart, Captain.'_ I had to offer my left hand to shake; Marlene was holding my right.

_'Ah, well, ye can just call me Cid, heh.'_ He looked pleased at being called 'captain.' Taking the offered hand, he shook it warmly. _'I guess you'd be apart of the mess this numbskull's a head of.' _

_'Yes.'_

'_Hrumph.'_

Barret went off like a rocket.

'_Ah! Whadda ye know anyway, bloody numbskull y'self. Ye to busy staring a' the stars to see what's happening in fron' of ye!!' _

Cid scowled at him _'I know what's goin' on; I just ain't stupid enough to think I can make a difference. Your Midgar's done for, Wallace, you know that.'_

I was startled, to say the least. I had always believed in fighting my hardest until the very end. We had always known that our chances of success weren't good, but we had fought all these years anyway. And we had achieved something, hadn't we? We delayed Sephiroth's Reactors for a good time.

The man must have noticed my expression; he shook his head sadly at me.

_'Don't look like that, girl, you can't save that city, the corruption's too deep. Heck, most of those people don' wanna be saved anymore.'_

Biting my tongue, I realized that there was some truth to his words. Had I not seen in it in the peoples faces everyday? The vacant, indifferent expressions that was mirrored on the faces of every man, woman and child. I had seen it in Midgar and I had seen it in Junon.

I looked away.

'_We…we have to try.' _I pursued my lips, and then raised my head _'Else we'll just become like them, one step away from Darkness.'_

Beside me I heard Barret _hnm _in agreement. Cid just shook his head and frowned. Before he could answer, a crewmember in uniform called out to him. Cid scowled again, nodded to us and left.

I watched his bulky figure walk away, and tried to ignore the sinking feeling in my stomach. I had meant what I said, but I had also been afraid that the Captain might have been right when he said that Midgar was beyond saving.

Shifting my weight, I glanced at Barret.

_'So. Old friends is it?'_

He shook his head _'Long story. Let me say tha' Highwind's the one who told me 'bout all them worlds. I knew 'bout the Heartless already. Damn, who doesn't.'_

I knelt down to straighten Marlene's jacket. She looked at me with big eyes.

_'Are we going back to Midgar, Tifa?'_

I bit my lip and glanced at Barret.

_'Maybe, I don't know yet. What do you think?'_

'_No!' _She shook her head fiercely and scrunched up her eyes '_No going back there!'_

I sighed.

_'We'll see sweetie, we'll see.'_

After all, if Midgar was beyond salvation, how could we drag Marlene back there? She had to be safe, she was a child.

* * *

I had not spoken to Cloud since waking. I had glimpsed him briefly, but he shunned company, so much so that I was afraid to go near.

'_You should talk to him.' _Vincent had told me.

'It…it won't make a difference…' 

'_You do not know that.'_

'…'

I grew uncomfortable. I knew I should try. We could all see that Cloud was wallowing in guilt, shame, anger and regret. We all had felt these emotions, but Cloud would not let them go. They were drawing him closer and closer to the Darkness, corrupting his already damaged heart. I know Red had tried to talk to him, and that it had not gone well. And Barret. And Vincent.

'_You have known him the longest, you will have the most credibility with him.'_

'…_What if I fail?'_

He said nothing. I inspected my nails

'_I…he wanted to die.'_ I said softly, though I don't know why _'I…'_

I what? I was afraid? I didn't want to? I was making excuses, I knew.

'_I'll try.'_

Vincent nodded at me. I did not expect what he said next.

_'You'll succeed.'_

I stared, open mouthed at him.

_'You woke Cloud up when he was ready to succumb. Any attachments he now has to this life and its lights resides in you.'_

He walked away, leaving me reeling.

Vincent was always an enigma. He had always mystified me. When I had first met him, I was but a child, I admit that I was drawn to him, and his well kept secrets. Luckily for me, I quickly lost that childish infatuation as I was reminded of the grim world we lived in. He remained aloof, distant, but not so far away that we could not rely on him for help. He had his demons, but he also had his light too. It was our trust in him, our reliance, our hope and our comradeship. It was Marlene's affection. It was the fact that we were fighting for something.

I think that that was where most of us got our light from, or a part of it.

* * *

_'…'_

I moved slowly to his side. He was staring blankly out over the landscape through the clear glass of the observation deck windows. Around us, a few of the crew bustled about their duties; they had learned not to disturb the sullen swordsman.

What was I to say? Oh hi Cloud, please stop moping up here and come and be apart of the team, we've gotta lot to sort out so get your act together. So, what do you say? That would go down like a ton of bricks. Hell, I was still depressed about what happened in Junon.

He probably guessed that I would come to talk to him eventually. Figured that the others had roped me in to talking to him.

A terrible thought had struck me. Did he think that I did not care? That I was only here because I had to be?

I had hugged my middle out of nervousness, before deciding that I might as well try.

_'Cloud…'_

It felt so strange to say his name out loud.

'_um…hey, I just…wanted to say thanks…' _My voice trailed off as he turned to look at me _'In Junon. You got me out of there. I would be a Heartless now if…it…if it weren't for you.'_

Still, he said nothing. He just stared at me incredulously.

I sighed and raised my hand to my forehead. This was not working. I just sounded like an idiot. I had to calm down, breath.

'_You know…we all miss her Cloud.' _

Once again, I got no reply. This was still not the right approach to take.

I stepped closer to the window, reaching out with one hand to touch its smooth surface. It was icy cold, and slightly damp with condensation. I traced delicate lines with my fingers down the cool glass, remembering doing the same thing in my own home, when I was seven.

We both watched my hand in silence as it slowly made its way down the window. I reached the railing, and let it fall despondently to my side.

There seemed to be nothing that I could say. Words flew about my head, soft, reassuring words, comforting words, loud and angry, to snap him to his senses. None of them felt right.

_Say what you mean_, I told myself, but I was too shy. There was only one thing that I could really say to him, the only thing I could think of.

'_Sephiroth is Darkness.'_

I felt him become rigid beside me. Resolutely, I turned to look at him directly in the eyes.

'_Sephiroth is Darkness, Cloud' _I repeated _'You will never defeat him if you consume yourself with it.'_

I held his gaze unwavering for seconds that felt more like eternity. His hooded eyes regarded me with faint surprise and suspicion, which hurt, a little bit. I tried to let him see the sincerity and the truth in my words, but I do not know if I succeeded. I didn't wait to find out, I turned on my heels and walked briskly away.

Maybe I was running away, but at the time I thought lingering there any more would just be pointless.

* * *

**Authors notes: **Hope your all still enjoying this. I'm glad Cids in, he's really fun to write.

For some reason, I really like writing interaction between Vincent and Tifa. Not neccerssarily romantic, but I think that their characters set the others off well. I can sort of picture Tifa as a teenager harbouring a little crush on the 'tall, dark, handsom' mysterious' Vincent, heheh...


	25. Recollection xxiv

**Recollection xxiv**

_'That's damn well crazy and you know it!'_

The illustrious Captain Cid had joined our present meeting. He was not happy when he heard what we wanted to do.

_'We're not-'_ I started.

_'Your askin' me to fly over THAT pit-hole so you can jump into it. In case you hadn't fucken' noticed, this ship is carryin' refugees!! I am NOT gonna compromise their safety so you lot can go suicidal! Look, you want to end it that bad, we've got friggen' sleepin' pills in the medical unit you can over dose on, or if-'_

_'This is not a suicide mission. We are going to finish what he started.'_

Cid's ranting was ended abruptly by Cloud's flat, dead pan voice. The Captain turned to stare at him, swiping the cigarette out of his mouth in a swift movement.

Something had turned to stone in Cloud, I was sure of it.

_'Of course, your expectin' to come out of this alive, well excuse me for saying otherwise, but there's no damn way your getting' there on this ship! We're on a one way course to Radiant Gardens, and you're on it!'_

We were in a small side room that Cid had reluctantly let us into when Barret had told him that we had plans. We didn't want the other survivors to hear us. Naturally, Cid had invited himself in, to discourage us, if anything.

Barret was silently fuming beside me. He hated someone telling him he couldn't do something almost as much as he hated the General.

Cid scowled again and rubbed his neck when he saw the determined look that mirrored on all of our faces.

_'Damn…_' he muttered, looking distractedly out the window.

Red shifted and raised his head._'We understand your concerns about the civilians, but we cannot come back with you to Radiant Garden. If needs be, we shall return to Midgar by foot.'_

_'Tha's right!' _Barret slammed his fist onto the table for emphasis.

The city of Midgar could be seen on the landscape from the airships current position. Its course flew in a low wide arc to avoid the city, but we _could still see it on the horizon. We did not need to be any closer to notice the dark nebulous that was forming around it._

_'It has to be soon, though, we already may be too late.'_ Continued Red.

Cid muttered darkly to himself. Standing, he stalked off into an adjoining room, slamming the door behind him. We let out a collective sigh.

_'It will be harder to get to the center by foot._' Vincent murmured.

I bit my lip.

_'We'll manage it.'_

He glanced briefly at me and shook his head.'

_''Sephiroth will be at the center of the vortex. All his Heartless will surround him. The people of Midgar have most likely all been consumed by now-'_

_'Ye wrong there, Valentine._' Barret shook his head slowly '_He hasn' set them cursed Reactors off yet. Even them folk in Radiant Garden woulda felt it if he had. Their not completed yet's my guess, and he needs human's to do it.'_

_'Why would he refrain from activating all the Reactors once they were built? You would think once the last one is built, everything would be gone'_ After a pause I added _'…like Wutai.' _

_'Why, indeed?'_

We all mulled over this thought.

_'He must have a bunch o' them hostage, to work on his last Reactor…'_ Barret began _'which means we have ta get the bastard before he completes it.'_

_'We don't have much time…' _

It was only the second thing Cloud had said the entire meeting. I'm not even sure if he meant to say it out loud.

A door flew open and Cid stomped back into the room. Throwing a pile of papers onto the table in front of us, he lit up another smoke.

'_There.'_ He proclaimed_ 'find the cursed spot where you wanna land and I'll drop you off there. It'll take me a week max to get to a rendezvous area for the civilians 'ere to be transferred to another ship. After that, I'll take another week to get back. You clowns still here, I'll drop you over the damn city.'_

He leaned onto the wall, concentrating terribly hard on his cigarette. Everybody either looked stunned or slightly abashed.

_'Thank you Cid._' I finally said softly, elbowing Barret to do the same.

_'Ur…right, damn…thanks, I s'pose.'_

Cid scowled again fiercely. _'Don't thank me, I'll be taking you to your deaths, numbskulls.'_

* * *

Vincent had gone through the maps Cid had provided, eventually selecting a semi-mountainous area that supposedly contained old city ruins. When asked about it, he said that we'd best go there if we wanted to see where it all began.

As I have said, the man was an enigma.

* * *

That night, I could not sleep. I reasoned that I had done enough sleeping when my body was still healing.

I sat in our corner of the cargo hold, watching the tired figures of Junon's survivors lose them selves in slumber. I saw more then one toss and turn restlessly, moaning as some forbidden horror relived itself behind closed eyelids.

I had them too, which was why I had not felt very inclined towards the thought of sleep. At least, not just yet.

I heard Barret breath noisily as he shifted. Glancing at him, I had been startled to realize that he too was awake.

Scratching his arm absentmindedly, he nodded in response to my small smile. I was not the only one reluctant to embrace the dream world. We sat there in companionable silence for a while, listening in the dark to those around us.

_'Y'know…you…don't have ta come with us…'_

What?

The big man shifted again. His eyes where watching the slow, flicking movements Red's tail made while the big cat slept.

I made no answer. I was too shocked.

_'No…no one'll hold it 'gainst you if ye choose to go on ta Radiant Garden…'_ His voice was soft, serious. That was the only reason I didn't burst out laughing as if it were a joke.

_'Ex-cuse me?'_

Barret, brow etched in a furrow, turned to face me.

_'It…it'd be a weight off me mind, ta know ye were safe…'_ His eyes lowered and he softly stroked Marlene's hair, who lay oblivious beside him.

The indignation fell from me, and I let my body relax.

We had already lost so many; Barret only wanted my safety. He was like family to me, just as close without the blood bit. I suppose a weird cross between a worried father, an impatient uncle and a fond brother. He had adopted me, in a way, and now he wanted to protect me.

_'Barret…_' I spoke in the same soft voice as he had _'I am coming with you no matter what.'_

A pause, and I felt the need to continue.

_'Did you think…did you think that, after all this time…that I could simply walk away from it all?'_ I shook my head. _'I'm in this 'til the end…the very end, just like you and Vincent and Red and Cloud are…so…so don't you worry 'bout me keeping up, ok?'_

Barret's smile was one of acceptance and resignation. I felt a lump in my throat threatened to rise as I thought about how much Barret meant to me and how much he had done for me, and my life. He had given me purpose and direction where Zagane had given me the strength to fulfill it. He was a leader, my friend and my comrade in arms. If I owe anyone in Avalanche, it is he.

_'Git some sleep, Tifa…'_ he said, before rolling over.

Hugging my knees, I looked around at our rag tag group of rebels. An impatient gunman who tried to balance rebellion in one hand and fatherhood with the other, an unsociable, tormented mercenary with heavy hooded eyes, a wise ex-guardian beast-lion whose loss did not hinder his purpose, an assassin with an unknown past and me. Myself. I was just as out of place as any of them, a martial artist from the mountains that regretted the loss of her dreams, and yet still kept them hidden away in her heart.

I'm sorry, does that seem a much too cliché way of describing myself? I am not sure, myself.

But there you are. I gazed at them and wondered, and hoped, that together we would have enough light to defeat Sephiroth and his Darkness. For, I had long believed that one could not destroy Darkness completely.

It was in my fading moments of consciousness I had a sudden moment of clarity. Not one of my other companions were asleep either.

But by then, I was not particularly bothered.

* * *

Two days later we landed amongst rubble and ruin, so much so that sometimes it was to differentiate between mountain rock and temple stone.

It was a desolate place.

There was something so depressing about watching that air ship fly away into the distance. We didn't move as the perpetual humming of moving machinery faded into the distance.

Barret's jaw was so clenched; I was surprised he did not lose any teeth.

But then, he was watching his little girl disappear into unknown territory. Cid had promised to see that she would be cared for, and we did not doubt him. But her departure signaled the final point of no return. Our path was set.

'_Hey now baby, don' cry. Papa'll come ta see righ' soon now. He jus' gotta finish this one last job, ok hon?'_

The tears unabashedly coursed down her round cheeks. She tried to speak to him between her heaving sobs.

_'Ye…ye…you pr-omise? The la-st one?'_

_'I swear on it, honey.'_

_'An…an' you'll come back, once i…its done?'_

_'O' course I will, Marly'_ He wrapped her up in a massive hug, before staring intently into his daughter's face _'Aint nothin' in this world that will stop me seeing mah little girl.'_

An empty wind howled through the cavernous walls of rock behind us. I pretended not to notice the damp patches around Barret's eyes as we finally moved away.

* * *

Our camp that night was silent. Nobody bothered to try and break it as it hung like thread between us. The only noise came from the clutter of the cooking pot as I boiled water for our 'preserved soup'. Cid had been kind enough to give us enough rations whilst we waited for him. I took some comfort from the fact that we had adequate supplies of both food and water.

And potions, for we no longer had our white mage.

I sighed quietly as I poured out the contents of the small, leather pouch. Already I was feeling desolate.

Stirring the mixture, I remember the smell of that ration soup. It had a thick, beefy smell; for all that it tasted bland. It was some invention from Radiant Garden, and one that we welcomed willingly.

We were camped between the crumbling walls of the temple that rose up towards a leaning cliff overhang. It meant that we were mostly protected from the elements, however we could still here the howling gale of the wind as it thrashed against the rocky cliffs. We could see where the temple extended into the mountain rock behind us. Supposedly it would have many secret passageways and corridors deep below ground, but none of us had any care to find them.

Barret stared bleakly into the fire across from me. I imagine his thoughts rested on his little girl. Red XIII rested comfortably beside me, head on his paws as he watched me with his single eye.

Inspecting the brew one final time, I turned to the packs beside me and reached for the five crude bowels we had with us. They clunked heavily together as I placed them by my side.

Picking up the ladle I had left in the pot, I began serving up.

Red raised his head and nodded his that's to me as I set a larger bowel down next to his. I smiled. Carefully, I rose to take two bowels to Barret and Vincent respectively. Barret grunted his thanks, balancing the bowel between his knees as he clutched the spoon with his one hand to eat. Vincent set down his gun, which he was cleaning, as I handed him his share. He held my gaze for a moment before taking the bowel, and I walked away.

Cloud stood apart from us, just escaping the small glow of the fire. It appeared as if he was seeking solace in the darkness. I had frowned at that thought, as I approached to where he was staring at the foreboding mountains.

I cleared my throat to make my presence known. He jerked his head around, as if I had pulled him away from some place of deep thought.

I tried to smile as I held out his bowel.

_'Dinner.'_

_'I'm not hungry.'_

_'You have to eat, Cloud.'_

He stared at me for a moment, and I abandoned my unconvincing cheerful charade. _'…whatever. You starve if it makes you feel better.'_

I turned to go.

_'Wait…'_

I stopped, breathed out slowly and turned to face him again.

_'I…'_ He had looked uncertain, unsure. As if he were trying to say something that even he did not understand. My irritation faded. He was still grieving, after all.

I stepped up, took one of his hands, and wrapped it around the soup bowel.

'_There'_ I had said wryly_ 'Eat it. It's not that bad.'_

His eye's seemed glazed, for a moment. Then he blinked and they returned to their normal, guarded look. He nodded at me, and I took it as my dismissal.

* * *

The next day we had planned to establish the layout of the broken landscape around us. Vincent had said that he did not expect many Heartless to find us up here, but one can never be too careful.

There was surprisingly little wind on that morning, however the ominous dark clouds of Sephiroth's power still plagued the sky.

The 'men' had nominated that I keep camp whilst they scouted. Needless to say, I had been rather put off that they still viewed me as the homemaker. Had I not proved that I could hold my own ground?

I did not protest though, apart from scowling at the lot of them before turning back to the fire with a disgruntled 'hmph'. I heard Barret give out a nervous sort of laugh and a distinct chuckle from Red.

They began to move off. Biting my lip, turned and rose to watch their retreating backs.

_'Hey!_' I had yelled out. Each one of them paused, and only Cloud did not look back _'Be careful now, don't make me have to come out to save you!'_

Barret smiled and raised his hand. Red flicked his tail and gave out a small wumph, as Vincent nodded. Then, I was left alone in an empty camp, with only the howling wind as my companion.

* * *

I felt very alone on that morning. There was no one with me to distract my worried mind, and there was little for me to do around the campsite. We were light travelers, after all.

I found myself exploring the ruins close by, including the crumbling walls that surrounded our camp. They were old, they appeared as if from another world. They must have been magnificent in their prime. Now they were fading remnants of an old time that was almost completely forgotten.

I shivered when I realized that, after us, no one else would ever walk along these silent streets.

The wind blew, and I had to shield my eyes from the flying dust and sand.

Twelve o'clock, and the thin, feeble light of what used to be our sun, strained through the dark cloud directly above me. I had already started on my way back to the camp. Cloud and Nanaki awaited me there. They both turned sharply to face me when I approached.

_'Your back.'_ I stated simply, smiling a little. I knelt down next to the smoldering fire and reached out to take off the pot of now bubbling water I had left to boil.

_'Where were you?'_ I had been surprised to hear a tinge of annoyance in Cloud's voice. It almost sounded as if he wanted to reprimand me for not being here to greet them upon their return. I frowned at this, not that he would have noticed, my back was facing him.

_'I went for a walk, to see our surroundings._' I had paused then, before twisting my head to peer at the two of them _'What did you find? Anything of note?'_

Nanaki shook his head and began to pace.

_'Heartless, on the horizon, coming east from Junon.'_ I swallowed the hard lump that had risen in my throat. My eyes itched. Nanaki continued _'They will not come here, not yet. Not while their master calls them to Midgar.'_

I nodded, pouring the hot water into our bowels.

_'Uh…Tifa?'_

The beast had padded next to me.

_'Yeah?_' The beast cleared his throat _'…is there… meant to be… soup stock in with that hot water?'_

_'Huh?-oh…'_ I had been confused, and then embarrassed. What a stupid mistake to have made.

We would of laughed at it, had we the time. The sound of gunfire echoed faintly, yet it knifed its way to our ears with frightening clarity. The same word would have echoed simultaneously in all our mind.

Heartless.

* * *

**Authors note:** Here's another one! I've somehow got it into my head that I want the recollections over by Chapter 30. Will I make it? I certainly will try. This means longer chapters, hope you guys don't mind. 

Once again, thanks for for the reviews :)


	26. Recollection xxv

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing.

**Recollection xxv**

We stood still, frozen in place, eyes wide and gazing intently at the slither of the outside world revealed between two, sheltering temple walls.

Seconds passed, slowly, waiting.

Another burst of gunfire erupted, Barret's unmistakable gun-arm, and we lurched into action, jerked suddenly back into reality.

In a single motion Cloud's sword was drawn as he strode to the doorway. In that same motion, I had turned and risen, Red's hackles were raised high as he lollopped forwards. I tightened the straps on my gloves and followed.

'_Stay back.' _Cloud had hissed at us, or at me, before he ran out, sword bare and raised.

I ignored him.

Close on Red's heels, I raced outside. My skin was prickling all over. I almost froze again when I saw outside.

The ruins, the mountains were littered with Heartless. Many shapes, many sizes. They seeped through the cracks in the rubble, sliding down rock and stone. All drawn towards us; like ants flocking towards honey.

Oh God, I had thought, before I remembered I didn't believe in one.

I got a hold of myself after that momentary pause.

Gunfire echoed again, and I saw Barret shower bullets over the hoard, Vincent a little ways behind him, picking off the creatures one by one with deadly precision.

I had seen this before, this motif, too often. A man, a father, set up against a wave of darkness. Fighting to the end.

Other figures joined the image, a red lion, a blond swordsman.

I screamed, and threw myself forward.

The first one leapt not at me, but at my heart. I drove my crackling fist full of energy straight through its black head, not pausing as the empty heart it had had been consumed by another of it's own kind.

Punch-strike-turn-swing-kick-turn-kick-punch-swerve-strike-duck-drop-roll-kick-stand…

At some point I realized that I'd lost sight of Red. I struggled to defend myself as well as make search for him. To be caught alone in this swarm of Heartless is a death wish, one that I was now in.

I had cursed my stupidity.

I dodge-rolled again as the long, club like arm swung down, cracking the earth as it made impact. I scrambled up, still moving as the large creature moved jerkily to follow. Keeping lightly on my toes, I moved out the way as it heaved its arm over. Something clawed at me. My eyes darted down and I snapped out a sharp, sidekick to the smaller Heartless beside me. It dissipated.

I darted again to the side and then forward, as its momentum bogged down the large creature. My fist's dart out in a blur as I strike out at it's soft belly in a rush, before hooking my foot on it's side and giving a kick-flip deep under the ribs. I jumped back.

Don't I know how much that hurts.

It stumbles, a smaller, weaker arm clutching at the gaping hole I've made. There are studs on the tops of my shoes for a reason.

The Large Arm twisted its body, bringing down its hammer faster then I had thought possible for a creature its size. Stars burst into my vision even as I threw myself out of the way. On instinct I rolled and rose, darting away again as I hear the air whistle.

Shaking my head to clear away the stars, I raised my fists and dart forward again, swinging an uppercut at its featureless face. The Large Arm flinched, and I followed the motion up with a spinning kick to its face once more. It staggered backwards then, and I beat it with another series of punches, another back-flip kick, another strike, and another. I let my Chi course out at the Heartless, strengthening my impact.

It flailed its arm at me; I leapt to the side and ducked under it, once again beating away at its face, constantly. I ignore the smaller Heartless, trying to leap onto my back and clutching at my limbs to bring me down. Chi is crackling all over my body, and for the moment I am untouchable. The Large Arm flails wildly, like a wounded animal. I gritted my teeth and bring back my fist, mustering energy and forcing it into this last punch. It was practically glowing.

I swung, slamming down with all my might. The Large Arm practically burst, gone, and I was left reeling in the recoil, stunned. Blinking cluelessly. A high pitched ringing resounded through my ears

My whole right side was throbbing painfully.

_Wake up!_

I heard Sensei telling me to never drop my guard, and I turned quickly enough to block scathing black claws from tearing out my chest by offering my forearm instead.

I clenched my teeth, chastising myself for being so careless as I backhand it across the head with my knuckles. Ignoring the pain, I briefly thanked my stars that I am wearing my arm-guards. Otherwise my arm would be in ribbons and not merely just badly scratched. I staggered a few steps, before moving back into my battle stance and moving on.

Delivering an angry roundhouse kick, I furiously ignored the stars that were returning to my vision.

_'Hoi!-'_

Something hit me like a truck and all my efforts into remaining upright went in vain. I found myself hoisted over Barret's shoulder as he mowed his way through the Heartless.

I was fuming.

Once had I stopped seeing stars, of course.

A few moments later and I was fighting along side Barret instead of being carried like some frail damsel. He relented after I hit him over the head with enough force to indicate I was quiet capable of taking care of my self.

'_Stick close now, fool' girl.' _He said angrily as he set me down.

It was better this way. We fought back to back. He hewed through the hoard with his gun, whilst I fended off the Heartless from his back, protecting our retreat. I reclaimed my sense of direction; Barret was headed back up the slope, towards camp.

A Heartless tried to swipe my comrade's thighs, and I viciously slammed my foot down on its arms.

_'Teef, c'mon!'_

I ran up to catch him, we were a few feet from temple entrance. Vincent stood atop the slope, firing on the creatures and ushering us through.

Cloud and Nanaki were already there, fighting off the few that had managed to get past the entrance. Unfortunately for us, whatever doors were once there had rotted away long ago. We had struggled to hold them off.

A battle roar sounded through out the enclave, and I glimpsed Nanaki charging at one of the larger Heartless.

No matter how many we killed, more kept coming.

And more.

'_Tifa, grab the packs.' _Vincent's voice sounded in my ear. I did not argue as I heard his shotgun fire as he covered my retreat. I sprinted to the pitiful remains of our campfire and began hauling as much as I could carry on my back. A Heartless approached and I managed to clobber it over the head with a heavy pack.

_'Get to the back of the cave!!'_

More and more Heartless were pouring in from outside. I sprinted towards the dark hole that led into the deeper parts of the temple, trusting that Vincent would cover me. I could not fight whilst carrying all the packs.

Reaching the end, I shoved them roughly through and turned back ready to fight. I went to strike another Heartless, only to have it collapse as Cloud brought his massive sword down through its body. Nodding briefly, I made as if to go past him to help the others. He scowled at me, grabbing me roughly by the waist and hauling me through the back in the same way I had done to the packs.

Landing hard, I scrabbled up sending death glares his way. Vincent's red cloaked back appeared behind him and further gunshots resounded.

Cloud hefted a pack onto his back, threw one at me and dragged me deeper into the small, dark corridor.

'_Wait-no-the others are still-'_

'_They're coming, _move_!'_

'_but-'_

Light bounced off the walls as Red and his flaming tail had charged in and followed us. I stumbled; still trying to see whether or not the others were coming-

_Boom._

The walls around us shuddered and we were thrown to the ground. Dust choked the air and for a moment, everything went dead quiet.

Then the ringing in my ears was back a tenfold. I groaned. Then I coughed painfully as my throat choked up on all the dust hanging in the air. Slowly, I pushed myself onto my knees, before doubling over, clutching my aching head. The clunking of stones could be heard as the rubble fell off my body. I could feel the burning tinge of cuts and scraps all over my body. Nothing serious, I had hoped.

Sucking in a few deep breaths, I made myself look up. Inky blackness had loomed before me. The fallen rubble and cracked slabs of wall were illuminated by a soft pale glow.

I had hoped that was from Red's tail, and I had hoped that meant he was alive.

'_H-hello?' _My voice was thick and broken.

I heard rubble move beside me. Blindly, I groped out, hunting through the rock and stone to find him.

Cloud.

My hands hit firm flesh, and I grappled to see if he was all right. I cleared off the rubble, relieved when I felt him move.

_'H-ey…'_

He sat up slowly, like I had. I could see him blink rapidly until his eyes had focused. He winced and reached up to touch the large gash on his face

'_You ok?' _My voice sounded too loud, too hollow for that dark place.

'…_Yeah…you?'_

'_Not too bad…'_

Cloud gave a nod, stopping halfway as his head protested, I guessed.

The dust was slowly settling. I coughed again at it. Cloud thumped my back softly before I waved him off. We remained crouching, not yet willing to muster the strength to stand. Turning, I looked behind for some visual indication of the others.

'_Red?' _I had called softly.

The light wavered, then flickered, and I held my breath. A disgruntled grunt became audible.

'_I'm here.'_

'_Are you hurt?' _A larger slab bobbed, before sliding away as Red emerged from underneath it. The beast shook out his fur of dust, before limping slowly towards us.

_'Your leg…'_

'_Nothing a potion will not fix.' _He paused, staring at appraising me _'What of yourselves?'_

I offered a smile and shrugged _'In one piece.'_

The beast gave us an incredulously look, before sneezing at the dust. I had realized that my hand was still clutching Clouds shirt, and that his was on my shoulder. Heat brushed my cheeks.

'_Uh…' _I withdrew and tried not to catch his gaze. Cloud did likewise, scrabbling around the rubble for his sword before using it to heft himself up. I sighed, grasping the wall in support as I too tried to get to my feet. The world swung a little, but it was not too bad. My muscles protested at the movement, though.

'_The others…' _I started.

'_They were behind me when the…' _Red's voice trailed off as we all wondered what exactly had happened. He shook out his mane _'The packs, if you don't mind.'_

'_Oh right, here…' _Somehow the travel bags Cloud and I had seized were still with us. I frowned in dismay as I rummaged through mine; at least four of the ten potions in there were smashed.

'_Wait here' _Cloud stated as I was patching up Red's leg _'I'll go check for the others.'_

He pulled out a few potions from his own bag before setting it down beside us. I said nothing; I did not really want to move anyhow.

* * *

'_Damn tha' shit was big.'_

'_What exactly was it, may I ask?'_

Barret glanced somewhat sheepishly at the beast. I raised an eyebrow at him from where I was carefully applying some potion to Clouds head wound.

'_Hrrmph, something left over from…from the ole' crew-from Midgar.'_

'_Jessie.' _I said simply, smiling a little.

Barret nodded and puffed out his chest.

'_Good thing too. Them Heartless were swarming.'_

'_You could of killed us.' _Cloud said flatly, earning a scowl from the big man.

Barret had been out cold when Cloud found him, and Vincent's claw arm was broken, the iron gauntlet cracked. We had patched ourselves up as much as we dared, and I had used my weak cure spells to their limit in an attempt to save potions. The effect had left me feeling sick and dizzy, and Barret had scolded me for that.

But I had had to. Whatever barrier created by Barret's bomb would not keep the Heartless at bay for very long. They had a nasty knack of sliding through such defenses. We had to get moving.

Where to, was a completely different matter.

'_We'll have to go through the mountain.' _We had all stopped and stared at Vincent. He tested his newly mended arm out warily, stretching out all his fingers before replacing the damaged gauntlet and rising.

'_Is that possible?' _Cloud asked.

'_Yes.'_

'_Then lets go.'_

Vincent nodded at him. I bit my lip, and tried not to look doubtful. To my surprise, Barret made no argument, only shrugging as he hefted himself up.

_'Well, s'not like we have much of a choice, hm?'_ he said in his gravelly voice. 

No one could say anything to that.

* * *

**Authors note: **This was going to be an absolute bethemoth of a chapter, but I decided that if I did that, it would be just too mind numbing, so I split it into two. Since my last post, I have resigned myself to the fact that I am not going to be able to finish the Recollections in 30 :( Theres still too much I wanna write about (time spent in Radiant Garden and so forth.)

So, there goes that goal.

Anywho, it has been suggested to me that I split up the 'Recollections' saga from Tifa's world hopping journey, which I think I may do. I'll keep the recollections under the name 'Inner Universe' though, it just seems appropriate.

All will be revealed next chapter...


	27. Recollection xxvi

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing...yet...

**Recollection xxvi**

The only light source we had was Red's tail. He led the way behind Vincent, who seemed not to need any to find his way. The rest of us had to make do with that small, swaying light source to try to avoid losing our feet. Red himself seemed not to have too much trouble, apparently his race are partially nocturnal.

What we could see of the temple tunnel was surprising. It was obviously very old, the stone work and plaster was cracked and riddled with mildew and some kind of fungus. The flickering light illuminated wall carvings in brief and eerie glimpses. The floor was littered with debris-both old and new, and I had the feeling that we were journeying into another world entirely.

Which, for now, was not the case.

We walked, and limped, in silence for a long time. Hours slipped by, and in those dark corridors I had quickly lost sense of time. Vincent seemed to be guiding us through a labyrinth, though none of us had dared question his sense of direction. All I had known was that I was tired.

Every so often we would stop to rest and sip our precious water.

Eventually, Vincent halted next to an alcove in the wall.

'_We can rest here for the night.'_

'_You can tell?' _Barret grumbled under his breath, and I poked him for being grumpy.

Exhausted, we slept uncomfortably on hard rock and stone. Vincent had volunteered to keep watch all night, which was accepted with only halfhearted protests. I do not know how he did it.

* * *

It seemed too soon that Vincent woke us. Time didn't seem to exist down there.

So we traveled on, deeper into the mountain.

Late that afternoon, we stopped abruptly.

I could not see what was ahead of us; it was that dark and I was at the back of our little troupe. I heard Red snort ahead as he padded into a gaping hole of darkness.

No tunnel here.

It was, in fact, a chamber hall. Red's flame did little to penetrate the inky black, and I admit I became a little afraid.

I heard the crisp step of Vincent's metal capped boots recede away and then cease and he began to fiddle with something that sounded metallic. A loud clank and switch later, the chamber was suddenly flooded in a bluish light.

'_Ah, shit-my eyes!' _swore Barret. My own were still adapting to the sudden light, and for a moment, all I could see was white '_Valentine, warn us next time you do sommat' like tha'!'_

'_My apologies.'_

'_Hrmph.'_

Blinking rapidly, I slowly lowered my arm from my eyes. The sight before me was a curious one indeed. The hall was is in a similar state of disrepair as the rest of the underground temple had been, however it was far more impressive. It stretched far back, imperial looking columns looming up as they supported the ceiling. Tinny floodlights hung upon every second column, each connected by bunch of wires that were strung between them.

They stuck out like a sore thumb. The contrast between the modern machinery and ancient architecture was almost painful. It felt like it had defiled the place.

'_What…is this place?' _I had stepped hesitantly forward, eyes wide as I marveled at the real beauty of the chamber hall, the walls.

Carved and painted images of people and strange symbols decorated the wall panels. Although there were segments missing where plaster had obviously fallen off, most of the panels were intact, colours and all.

'_This is…very old…' _Red padded softly over to gaze at the wall_ 'older perhaps then the foundations on which Radiant Garden is built upon.' _

Vincent nodded solemnly from his position next to what looked to be a large battery pack. We fanned out to admire the room.

'_But who…' _Cloud waved vaguely at the fresco walls.

I walked away from them, slowly alongside the wall. They appeared to depict scenes, like in a picture book. I had been afraid to breathe near them, lest they crumbled before my eyes.

'_An Ancient people,' _Vincent spoke quietly _'This is all that remains of their civilization…' _

Simplified people were carved in profile, carefully painted in flat, simple colours. Warriors were depicted in regimented troops, fighting and killing in a frozen battle. Their opposing colours were black and white. What appeared to be white stars patterned the borders of this panel. Three figures in particular stood out in the center of the fighting, all clad fully in armor and wielding strange swords that looked like oversized keys. Another armored figure was painted, opposing the trio, as if he was facing them down.

'_Assumedly, their time came to an end due to a great war. Not much is known about it, except that it spanned the entire galaxy at the cost of many lives._'

Further down, another scene showed an elaborate linear depiction of the planet. The Three Cities were represented by their respective emblems: the red pyramid of Midgar, the blue dragon of Wutai, and the yellow rose of Radiant Garden.

I had bit my lip; two of those great cities were now gone. I did not think that we could save Midgar now.

Turning my head, I looked back at the others.

'_When were these done then? During the war, after it?'_

Vincent shook his head.

'_They pre-date the war. They are as old as the stone itself.'_

'_That's impossible! They depict it!' _

He raised an eyebrow, as if to say '_is it?' b_efore he turned to walk down that long, dark corridor.

Cloud frowned, seemingly at nothing in particular, before striding after him. Barret had scowled at his back, frustrated with both of them. I tried not to giggle. He saw, though, and shrugged before gesturing that we should follow.

I walked behind, listening as Cloud asked and Vincent answered. It was the most I had heard either of them talk for a long time.

_'Why do you know so much about this place?'_

He paused before finally, albeit reluctantly, answering.

'_Thirty years ago, archeologists from Midgar found these ruins and the chambers hidden below. The discovery was deemed so important that experts from all three cities were invited to join the supervised excavation.'_

'_Supervised?' _

'_Yes. Midgar provided the personnel that would supposedly protect the scientists from any hostile elements.'_

Another pause followed, in which I assume Cloud had displayed a puzzled expression, I know I had. When Vincent did not elaborate, however, Barret spoke from in front of me.

'_The used ta be a town round here, a small minin' town nestled in the mountain.' _His voice was gravelly, rough, like he spoke of an old wound. Which, of course, he was _'It was them tha' first found them ruins, an' it was them tha' wanted to leave them be. Sort o' sacred, you know?'_

He sighed heavily before continuing.

'_Any way, things got ugly, like they do. In the end, high ups in Midgar ordered for the town to be disciplined. Taken' care of, as they say. They…those _scum _left nothin' an' no one at all!'_

We walked in a heavy silence for a moment. Barret's anger, his loss was thick in the air.

_'That is one version of events…_'

Barret halted abruptly. I almost bumped into him.

'_Whaddaya mean 'one version', huh!? They took it all down, ya hear! Dyne an' I came back from tha' mountains ta see our town in ruins! We were eight! We-'_

Vincent cut him off.

_'I did not suggest that the town was not razed, merely by which the means.'_ Silence met this remark as we all waited.

'_They found this place, as you have surmised, but they also found something quiet…unexpected.' _I coughed uncomfortably and Barret grunted. Vincent stood, shadowed by the column before him. He continued _'They found a crack, a window, if you please, that gave a glimpse of unconceivable power.'_

'_Kingdom Hearts.' _Red had guessed. Vincent nodded.

_'Yes. And that which surrounded the crack told of a door-or rather-of three doors that would lead to this power, to the heart of this world.'_

'_Let me guess, one under each city.' _I said wryly.

'_There is a reason why those cities became the centers of power for this Land. It was thought that the remainders of the Ancients founded the Three Cities in order to protect these doors.' _He had turned to the wall, studying the crumbling wall panel. A metal frame surrounded it, propping it up. The plaster had fallen away and only half of the image remained. All that remained of the painted fresco showed swirling, patterned darkness.

I had shuddered. Vincent continued.

'_The head scientist from Midgar, he brought his wife and two-year-old son into these ruins. He became…entranced by the crack, by the power. It drove him mad with desire for it. He became the first Heartless of this world. He opened his heart to the power, the darkness offered by that crack and it consumed him.' _He paused, still studying the wall _'And…in turn, he consumed the rest of us.'_

I jumped as he ran his claws through the fresco, scouring it deep. Fragile, it crumbled away. None of us said anything, for what could we say?

_'The wife, Lucrecia was her name, she escaped with the child. She was the only one to do so. Even the town was consumed before the Darkness had burnt itself out. It was only a crack, after all, and it had found a new vessel from which it would complete it's purpose.'_

His words echoed, they had sounded so empty, so carefully emotionless. Hesitantly I spoke up, stammering from the oppressive atmosphere that now surrounded us.

_'Th-that child…'_ Everyone turned to look at me _'…was it you?'_

Vincent's gaze was intense. He stared straight into my eyes and for a moment I honestly felt afraid.

'_No,_' he answered in a clipped tone _'It was Sephiroth.'_

* * *

We had left that magnificent hall soon after, walking ever further into the mountain. Hours later, we walked past a passage that bled out coldness like a thick pulse.

It made my heart ache.

We all skittered past it nervously.

_'Down there is where the crack is.'_ Vincent said blankly.

I caught Cloud looking back at it, as if he wanted to go down there. He caught my eye and quickly looked away.

It made me scared for him.

* * *

It was dark, so much of the time. I would begin to dream of sunlight and starshine and anything different to these dank, closed walls. Sometimes the corridors were so small and oppressive that the light from Red's tail would be hidden behind a corner, and I would forget whether or not my eyes were closed or open.

My knees and elbows became scabbed from all the crawling we had to do, and the top of my head scraped from the many times I had bumped it on the ceiling. My back and neck ached from being hunched over so much, and my legs tired from all the strain they were under. We were dirty, dusty, sweaty and sore. None of us spoke much, we hadn't the energy nor the patience to deal with conversation.

At least my bulk was, and is, virtually nothing compared to Barrets. Often we had to pull the poor man through some tight hole, or he'd have to break away stone to get through.

One of the images that is most vivid to me pure black, feeling the rough scrape of stone under foot and hand with the heavy, labored breathing of us all. Air got tight down there.

When we found an area large enough to gather in we slept, squashed together, or else in a line down the tunnel. Standing straight was a luxury. I felt like a rat.

Sometimes it was a struggle not to scream.

One metaphorical 'night' I lay awake, looking at the dark, rocky ceiling. Red's tail shone like a comfort light which we all began to cling to.

I listened to the soft sounds of everybody breathing while they slept, so stuffy in a place like this.

'_Hey Vincent,' _I said softly, for he never slept much. It was a moment of doubt before he responded though.

_'…yes?'_

I sighed.

'_We are getting out of here, aren't we?' _

_'…'_

'_You do know the way out, right?' _a bit late for all of us if he didn't though.

_'Yes.'_

_'How?'_

_'…'_

It was silent for so long, I thought he didn't want to talk about it. I sighed and restlessly tried to turn over. Which, by the way, is hard if you're squashed between a big, black guy and a stocky blond one. For the record I gave up.

'…_I went mad, for a while…'_

'_Huh?' _

Vincent went on; his voice faded and weary as if he weren't really concentrating on this world. Reliving the past, I think.

'…_As he consumed them all, I ran…The woman…Lucrecia, I got her and the child out, but not before…' _He drifted off, before starting again _'I tried to stop him…Hojo, but he was so hungry…I…contained…it…somehow, what was left…and crazed I ran…back into these halls, searching, searching, mad, for so long seeking refuge…a creature, monster even, before…'_

'_Vincent…' _but he was not listening to me.

'_For thirty years I hid in this mountain, in the darkness.' _Slowly, he came out of the reverie, voice becoming more and more solid with each word _'And when I left the mountain, on the other side, and found Midgar, I found that everything had changed. Lucrecia died upon arrival in Midgar, and Sephiroth, the child whose life I'd saved, had grown up with the darkness and the lust for more festering in his soul…'_

I heard him shift a little.

'…_and he was General.' _I whispered.

'_He was General,' _Vincent agreed _'and Wutai was already falling.'_

We all had our fair share of demons, our own little shard of darkness cutting away at our soul. But, to our credit, I think, we did not succumb to them so easily.

I feel like the keeper of stories now, keeper of memories. There is no one else who will remember them, no one else who will care but me. That is why that I, in turn, am telling you. When I am gone, you will remain, and you will be the keeper of my stories, to do with as you will.

I take comfort in the fact that, should I die, you at least will remember them, even if it is only as a story.

* * *

Ten days later and we broke the surface.

* * *

**Authors note: **So, there's the history/Vincent's tale/Barret's tale all contained in one chapter. I hope I didn't overkill you with all the speculation/history/monolugue rants. heh. 

I know Vincent talks a lot here, but my take of him during the game was that he wasn't completly reduced to one word answers, and could actually talk if he needed/wanted to. As to why he told Tifa his tale, think about who he's traveling with. Who would you talk to; the big black guy, the angsty blond man with a big sword, the beast thing, or the nice, pretty young woman?

hmm...a hard one indeed.

That, plus I really wanted to explain it all, you know? And it was fun/interesting to write.

Enough rambling. I'll be quiet now. :)


	28. Recollection xxvii

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing.

**Recollection xxvii**

How bright the sun was when we emerged, blinking like blind moles at its brilliance. We all but fell out of the cave to get at it, fresh air and the wide-open range.

It expanded so far before me, so strange so different to the dark, cramped tunnels we had bee existing in. I had sat on the ground, just staring at the sky and the horizon, marveling at its beauty.

I had thought that it was heaven. I guess it could have been, given and if not for the circumstances.

But oh _gods _how good that fresh air tasted.

'_Tifa?'_

I returned from my state of wonderment to look at the one speaking to me.

'_Cloud.' _I said, blinking.

'_Tifa,'_ He repeated again, a little more firmly this time, frowning at me, or at my expression '_Are you alright?'_

I blinked a couple more times, before smiling, embarrassed, at him. I began to stand, dusting off my knees.

'_I'm ok…fine, don't worry,' _another smile for good measure. He studied my face for a moment, before giving a small nod and moving off.

I watched as he knelt by Red's side, talking. His concern made me feel relieved, almost happy that he cared. He had not isolated himself off to us completely, so it seemed.

A hand clapped down on my shoulder, and I glanced up to see Barret.

'_How's the old battle tank then, hey?' _I elbowed him lightly, smiling.

'_Your face is glowing.' _He said, eyes crinkling in amusement and I was left speechless, mortified.

Completely oblivious, Cloud called us around. His face was stern, as ever, and I wondered if he ever smiled.

But it was strange, to see him there, taking control of our situation, instead of leaving it to Barret or Vincent. He looked determined. I guess we could all see the end in sight now. The shadow of Midgar was before us, midst the vortex of Darkness.

'_Who's got the PSH?' _was the first thing he said.

Vincent nodded, reaching beneath his cape to pull it out into our view. Cloud nodded.

'_We have to phone Cid, to tell him where we are now.'_

We all nodded, tiredly.

'_Vincent, will you…'_

'_Yes.' _He walked off to make the call.

I sat down again, weary and sleepy. There was no wood or scrub to light a fire with and we had run out of food two days ago. It was now that I realized how close to death we were, and how hopeless everything was.

After all we had been through, all that we had fought and endured, were we going to die on this mountainside from starvation?

What if Cid could not find us?

What if he left us here?

I think it was hysteria that gave me the overwhelming urge to giggle. I had curled around my stomach, trying not to laugh maniacally. I stuffed my fist into my mouth and tried to stop my body from shaking.

The fit passed, of course, with Barret holding my shoulders gently as I buried my face in my hands and waited for it to end. _Father, _I think I almost whispered to him, _brother, uncle, friend._

When at last I looked up, he did not smile, merely ruffling my hair affectionately. I touched my cheeks to see if I had been crying, but they were dry. Slowly, we both got up to join where the others had discreetly made camp a little distance away.

I did laugh then, when we approached and I saw what they were using for fire fuel.

It was our packs.

* * *

The next day deep thunder had resounded, and the dark vortex of clouds and smoke thickened, intensified. It stretched far out across the sky, as the ground resonated alongside that awful, heavy sound. It shook me down to my bones and I was afraid.

We fell as the mountain itself convulsed, as if the land itself protested against the Darkness that swarmed Midgar.

'_I fear we have little time.' _Red said quietly, once we picked ourselves up. Indeed, a dark pillar of swirling energy had encompassed the city, had consumed it. Our hopes fell, deflated.

'_Are we too late?' _Barret queried the question on all our minds. Had it really happened then? Was the Land of the Three Cities forsaken?

Were we really too late?

We stood on the mountainside, gazing at the fell sight. It seemed as if millions of Heartless were now swarming the Midgar plains, drawn to the city.

'_No…' _I had whispered, clenching and unclenching my fists. A cold, numb feeling crept into my chest.

'_No!' _Cloud gave a short shout, and we all stared at him. He strode out in front of us, a fierce scowl on his face as he eyed us all _'We're NOT finished yet!'_

I stared in disbelief and shock. He shook his head angrily.

'_HE is still in there, SEPHIROTH is still there, and while he's still there, WE can still defeat him!'_ He drew his sword, and slammed it into the ground and we flinched at the grating sound it made. For emphasis, I guess. He continued in a quiet growl _'You do what you like, but I am NOT turning back now!'_

And we all stood there stunned.

'_Hrruh, no one said nothin' 'bout given' up now, Spike. I'm in all the way.' _I jumped a little at Barret's deep voice. He stepped up and brandished his gun-arm.

Cloud pursued his lips, nodding.

'_I will see this out as well, to protect Radiant Garden, at the very least.' _Red too spoke up, raising his head high.

'_Very well, I will come with you, to end this madness.' _Vincent spoke quietly, keeping his eyes steadily on the distant city.

I looked there too. A good eight years of my life had been in that city. It had shaped me, molded me, and in it I learnt how to survive. Bleak acceptance of the inevitable had surrounded us in that city, and from it I learnt that I did not want to turn out like that. If I was to die, I wanted to die fighting, even if it was for a city that had given up on hope a long time go.

That city had shaped all of us, in its own way.

I realized that no one else had spoken since, that they were waiting for me. I drew my gaze away from the shadow of Midgar, out of my musings to meet the determined glare of Clouds. Smiling sadly, I shook my head, and I saw something deflate in his eyes for a moment.

Silly man, he misinterpreted the gesture.

I smiled again, trying to make it an encouraging one.

'_United we stand, as they say.' _Was it relief that I saw in his face when I spoke? I set my hands on my hips and nodded, agreeing with myself _'I'm ready.'_

Cloud stood straighter, prouder, stronger.

'_When Cid comes…' _not _if, _but _when,_ he said _'…we'll fight.'_

Oh brave fools that we were.

So we waited.

* * *

Cid kept his word. He found us, I don't know how many days later, waiting near the cliff face where we had made camp.

We must have looked terrible, like zombies. He cursed and almost choked on his cigarette when we boarded his airship. Eiko Carol, the little white mage was there too with her giant, beast like guardian. Her eyes went wide at the sight of us.

The airship was empty. Even the crew was gone.

'_I ain't gonna risk there necks on this suicide mission. They got family back at the Garden, y'know.'_

So, we were healed, fed and watered, but we could not rest. We took maybe two days of healing. Little Eiko burnt herself out for us. Her guardian, Madeen, disliked us for it, but I guess even she thought that it was necessary.

Two days too many, we all felt. Every moment we tarried, Sephiroth's power grew. Cid had wanted to fly us straight out of there, but Cloud wouldn't let him.

Would it have made a difference, I wonder? It is hard to tell. I guess, in the end, it would have ended the same way anyway. Maybe it was all for nothing, maybe not, but we went any way.

_'Tomorrow Cid will drop us over Midgar.'_

The silence was heavy around us. There was a lump in my throat, and I could not speak because of it. We sat around the meeting table, eating what may have been our last meal, looking at each other yet avoiding everyone else's gaze.

I wanted to memorize them all, record every detail of them. Barret's stubble and wide, square jaw, his faded flaming skull tattoo and large, bulky muscles. The blue tipped feathers in Red's wiry mane, his rippling fur, brass bracelets and softly burning tail. The glinting gold buckles on Vincent's coat, red felt cape with the long, dark hair hanging out from beneath his bandanna, framing his pale face. Cloud's the two worry lines on his forehead, his stupid, spiky blond hair and the worn, torn Soldiers uniform donned with stubborn grief and pride.

I see them so clearly even now. If there were pencil and paper in this place I would sketch them perfectly, like a photograph, for you, so you could see them as I do.

As I did.

I want that moment back. I want them all back.

I had studied myself too, you know. Well, I had studied my hands. They are long and strong, with large calluses on my knuckles and fingertips. Not especially pretty or delicate, but they are my own. My weapons.

I bit my lip and tried not to cry. No use in getting emotional now.

'_We're all…' _Clouds voice trailed off, and the silence hung heavy again.

The goal, the end was in sight now. We were no longer aimless. Cloud had a purpose, and a means to do it, and he had come out of his shell to drag us along with him.

He sighed. Barret shifted in his seat beside me. Cid puffed on a cigarette as he leant on a wall. He had given up trying to change our minds.

The silence shifted when the small white mage and her guardian entered the room. She was so young, and so tired, but her bright green eyes had been so clear. _Aerith_, I thought, wistfully. She swayed a little, with fatigued, but waved off Madeen's hands.

I had wanted to hug her, like I would to Marlene, but that would have damage her pride, so I hadn't.

'_I-I'm here to say…' _she closed her eyes and drew in a shuddering breath. She took one of Madeen's hands for support.

'_I'm here to say good luck, so don't fail!' _she opened her eyes and gave a small grin _'You would be so totally lame if you did.'_

My face broke into a smile, I couldn't help it. She saw it and was pleased. The mood of the room lightened somewhat. I know Barret grunted in amusement, and the corner of Vincent's mouth might have quirked. It was enough.

'_Madeen, get her back ta bed,' _Cid spoke softly _'Girl's dead on her feet.'_

'_Speak for yourself, Grandpa.' _Eiko scowled, but she let Madeen lead her away nonetheless.

The silence descended again, but this time, it was not quiet as heavy.

* * *

'_You know, I wish I could see the stars, just one last time…' _I stood on the deck. It was dark, more blues that the bright yellow light of the meeting room, but I didn't mind. We were at the window again.

I sighed, resting my forehead against the glass.

'_Do you think…' _I paused, a little unsure of what I was trying to say _'…do you think that they can see anyway, through all that dark? Do you think they can see how we're fighting for them?'_

Cloud didn't answer. I hadn't expected him to, not really.

My thoughts drifted back to the stars. Were we a star too, somewhere? Did someone else, on another world, look up at the sky the same way and wonder. Did they look up at us for inspiration, for guidance? Could we still be seen, underneath that thick cloud of Darkness?

Would we flicker and fade too, a dying star?

I sighed again.

He shifted, standing just a little closer so that our arms had brushed each other's. I had understood; we'd needed the contact. We all needed it, needed each other, to be around people to remember why we are here, why we were fighting. That is why tonight, even with all the extra space, we all had slept in the same room.

'_There were no stars in Midgar either, not with the plate…' _I waited, for something, and continued _'Maybe that's why so many lost hope, lost the ability to wonder. Midgar…the walls, the plate, they made you feel trapped…'_

'_No escape.' _He said, agreeing.

'_Yes.'_

We stood side by side, in the quiet, in silence, for a while. Seconds, minutes? I don't know. It was not heavy or foreboding. It was…us.

'_He betrayed us all…' _Cloud's was quiet, steady, but there must have been so much hurt laced within those words _'…we all…trusted him, believed in him…he was a hero.'_

'_We all believed that, at the beginning.' _I kept my gaze on the window, watching his reflection on the glass.

'_Bet-better men then me…' _air hissed through his teeth sharply _'Zack. Zack was our…my commander. He was…almost as much as a hero as the General…in our eyes.'_

Zack, the name of Aerith's first love, the one who left to fight the darkness, and never returned. I remembered her telling me that, sadly, that she still missed him. Was it the same man? Maybe, there is no real way to find out, for sure.

She told me that the day she died.

I almost choked on the thought. I wanted her here too, to help us, to encourage us. I missed her so much in that moment.

Cloud continued.

'_The army was…just…just an excuse to feed it…the Darkness. Like fodder.' _He gave a short, bitter laugh at that and I was startled the hollowness in it _'Our regiment was sent out as a…an initial assault. We…he told us that we could fight them, that we would be able to win.'_

His grip on the railing tightened, and the skin around his eyes was taut. I was staring at his face now, at the anger, the grief in his eyes.

'_When he, Zack, found out-I don't know how-he confronted the General. He…got away somehow…and came after us. He was try-ing…to save us, bring us back…' _Cloud hung his head, his voice became flat and toneless. A resigned whisper _'He was too late, Tifa, too late, they were already dead, consumed. All he could do was drag my sorry arse out of there.'_

He had been so lost, so broken, when I found him in Midgar. My heart ached.

Tentatively, I reached out to touch his shoulder. His head lifted and turned at my touch, but he did not, could not yet meet my eyes.

_'We were going to reveal his betrayal in Midgar, end the sacrifice…but Zack…Zack died on the way there, and I lost hope…'_

_'Cloud…_' I said softly, though I had no words to follow.

That was it, then, Cloud's story. The story of our town's sons, turned into the creatures they fought. The irony, the cruel irony has always been there, I just had not recognized it until that moment.

I wanted to reach further, say the right words that would comfort him, sooth him, but I could not. I did not know the right words; I could not banish that guilt, that pain, not then.

I suppose I still had too much of it in myself, back then.

'_I guess…' _I started, trying not to let my own sorrow sound in my voice _'…we just…have to keep going, keep fighting. For them, for their memory…'_

It was no answer, no comfort. It was acknowledgment on my behalf. I could offer nothing else.

Finally, he raised his gaze to meet mine and stubbornly I did not let myself look away. He was not alone, he was not the only one to have lost, the only one who grieved.

Whatever he was looking for in my eyes, whatever answer, he did not find it. He looked away as confused and as sorrowful as before.

* * *

Once again I checked the straps on my parachute, once again I tried not to stumble as the airship was buffeted by another howling gale of malice. Once again I tried not to throw up last nights meal. Once again I strained to hear what it was Cid was saying. Once again I looked desperately looked at my companions.

Once again, one of them jumped out the hatch, and into the churning column of Darkness that was once Midgar.

We wanted to fight, and now, we were ready.

My turn.

* * *

**Authors note: **Lots of different stuff going on here. I couldn't remember much from the final night below the Highwind, apart from Tifa's line 'do you think think they(the stars) know how hard we're fighting for them?' which seems to be quiet appropriate here. And we also learn Clouds story, about Zack and everything. I tried to make him turn into a bit more of a leader here, as he is in the ff7 game.

Personally, I like Eiko in this :)

I guess this chapter is sort of 'calm before the storm' sort of thing, cause I think you can all guess whats gonna happen the next chapter.

Until next time...


	29. Recollection xxviii

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing.

**Recollection xxviii**

The parachute was all but useless. The sheer power and force of that vortex tore at my body, until I was sure I would be ripped apart.

I screamed, and my words were obliterated by monstrous howling gale. Eyes glued shut by tears and grit, I curled my body into a compact ball and tried to stay that way as I was pounded and beaten by the wind, tossed around like a small child's ball. I was wrenched apart, and my limbs were torn painfully out of their grip. I was nothing, nothing in the sheer force of that column of darkness.

It was pure terror.

A deep, sardonic chuckle resounded throughout the atmosphere, the storm stopped and I fell.

'_Ooff!' _I landed heavily on my side; winded, windswept and raw eyed. My limbs felt so heavy. I choked, gasping for air as I tried to will my body to obey me.

I had felt so helpless.

Groaning, I managed to heft my self to my knees. My forehead rested against the gritty concrete in support. I blinked blearily at it, still sucking in air. The clashing grate of metal against concrete came suddenly, and I was able to push my body up with my hands so I could see.

There was so much darkness; it covered the sky.

And there was Cloud Strife, Buster Sword and all, rising to his feet.

'_Gnrr…' _with much effort, I too managed to bring my shaking limbs to a stand. I stumbled a little, before squaring my feet firmly and straightening my back.

I looked back at Cloud.

Around us, three other figures were also rising.

Barret, Vincent, Nanaki.

My heart swelled at the sight of them. We were here; we were ready to fight. We could do it.

That deep, cold chuckle came again.

I glanced around, trying to pinpoint where it was coming from, but it seemed to be everywhere. We all stepped forward, tentative, wary and angry.

'_Come out an' face us, you bastard!' _Came Barret's shout. His words seemed to be swallowed by the darkness. The chuckling halted; I balled my fists.

Slowly, a shadow figure materialized before us, a man born from the darkness, consumed by it, who embodied it.

Sephiroth.

He grinned that cruel, sardonic grin of his.

'_Welcome,'_ He outstretched his arms, as if welcoming an embrace '_to my world. Do you like it?'_

He laughed again, at us. Anger seethed through my body, making my blood hot.

_'Sephiroth. What do you want?'_ Cloud spoke, his voice sharp and piercing against the General's laugh. 

'_Ah...what I want…' _he lowered his arms and grinned maniacally '_is all here…to sail the darkness of the cosmos with this planet as my vessel.'_

'_We won't let you.'_

'_You already have!' _he chuckled deeply again _'Can you feel it? I've destroyed the gate. Even now, the power of Kingdom Hearts swells to heal the wound I've caused, to gather at its center, me.'_

He raised his arms again.

_'And I am here to merge with it, to put an end to this pitiful 'Land of the Three Cities'!'_

Here was his power, his purpose. It rose around him, the twisting, churning waves of corrupt energy, no longer pure and clear. The air screeched and howled horribly, vibrating in the shock waves of his laughter. The General opened out his palms and _pushed._

And we were _hit, _forced back, buffeted away by his sheer will. I raised my arms to protect my head, straining against that wind to stand my ground.

Then it was gone, and all was quiet. For a moment, I could see nothing. Not Sephiroth, not my friends, nothing.

_'Owww…damn…' 'Barret?'_ Cloud's voice called out, wary. I sighed in relief.

'_What? So everyone's still here?' _Came the gruff reply.

_'Uuuugh…so it would seem.'_ Red's low growl came out somewhere to my left.

Then we heard it, the thrum of power. It ran out, humming. I-we could all feel it, deep in our bones. It faded.

'_Sephiroth!_' Cloud called out, angry and frustrated. The General was playing games with us, and we knew it. 

The thrum burst out again, louder and more forceful then before. It hurt. It shook me to the core; it seemed to be biting at me, buzzing its way under my skin and into my brain. I clamped my hands over my ears in a futile and desperate attempt to block it out.

A whining buzz accompanied the painful thrum; it was unbearable, sickening, aching.

'_Ugh!' _Came Barret's angry shout of frustration _'Is this…Sephiroth's power?'_

The sound intensified, and it was agony. I wanted to scream. Fear knifed its way into my heart and I struggled not to panic. I wanted, needed to see the others, I knew I couldn't fight this off alone. I thrust my hands out, trying to find them, but it was so dark and suffocating that I couldn't move.

'_Uh-c…I…my…my body…' _a thread of disbelief sounded in Vincent's voice_ 'I can't…control my body…uugh…'_

Suddenly, a chord in the noise shifted. We all felt it, and the strain tugged at us. It had pulled at us, drawing us into the net.

'_Na…no!' _I fought with all my strength against the pull, but it was too strong. The current of the atmosphere was against me, slowly but surely dragging me in towards the center of that place.

In towards Sephiroth.

_'My front legs…my hind legs…I can't fight it!'_ The desperation in the guardian's voice fueled my fear '_They're…about to…to rip off!'_

'_This…ain't good…' _Barret's voice was strained. Even he, a bear of a man, couldn't fight the pull _'He's…way outta…our league…'_

'_No…don't…say that!' _I whispered fiercely, fighting against the darkness.

_'I…I don' know…if I can…do this…Teef…' _

_'No…'_

Still, we were pulled in. It was agonizing, humiliating, to be so helpless and vulnerable. The thrum continued, and the darkness swallowed us.

A blinking light and a bell noise.

What?

'_Clo-ud…' _I had called. Was he still there, or had he given up?

No, he was too stubborn to have given up yet.

'_Ugh...urr...' _

'_Cloud!'_

Blinking light and a bell noise.

What was that? It was so off putting, distracting, confusing.

'…_there...it's...there...' _his voice was so strained, tired, and yet…there was something in there.

Hope?

'_Cloud?' _I called out again.

Everything went white, a blinding flash. I felt the darkness shift, recoil.

'…_light…there is…light,' _he muttered, and it was true. Somewhere, in this hell, there was something_ '…shining…it's…shining.'_

Did I imagine it? The shift, the flash of light?

Something light and gentle touched my forehead, and the scent of lilies hung in the air.

'…_Aerith…' _I whispered, hardly daring to believe.

The bright flash of light, again.

_'It's not over…not yet…'_ Cloud's voice sounded. It was getting stronger; his conviction, his strength growing with each word, and we felt it '_This isn't the end yet!'_

We realized what we were doing wrong. We were afraid, fighting against the pull. We had to go with it. Setting my jaw, I straightened, letting my aching muscles relax.

_Go with the flow_, I had thought. I smiled.

Another shock wave resounded, but it was weaker. Even the humming buzz was fading. We let ourselves be drawn towards the General, towards Sephiroth by the force.

'…_We're not gonna lose!' _I yelled out, raising my fists. I let the hope and the determination rise inside me, fueling my chi. It was crackling, I could hear it. I could feel that same burning fire coming off everyone else as well.

We would all fight together, we would no longer be afraid.

'_Aerith is here, we are here! Can't you feel it?' _I heard Barret grunt in agreement, and I started walking determinedly along with the current_ 'There's still a lot for us to do…and…I'm not giving up!_'

I started jogging towards the center, the very heart of the vortex.

'_Not only Aerith...' _Barret started _'this…is the prayer, the hope of Avalanche…of Marlene an' Dyne…of everyone we ever lost!'_

'_Of everyone in this Land.' _Vincent finished, a steel edge in his voice.

The current was gaining speed and strength, but I was not afraid. I could feel the fire of my friends, the fire of our hope. We were going to stop this.

'_Aerith's hope…our hope…hmn'_ Cloud spoke quietly at first, determination, drive, conviction, all growing_ 'Yes…answer to this, Sephiroth! To the settling of everything!' _

Nanaki roared.

And we all ran, weapons bare and brandished. We ran into that darkness to face it, to defeat it with our hope and the hope of our world.

Two bright flashes streaked across the sky and the clear sounding of bells broke through the storm and the hum. Everything was pulsating now, shifting, moving, manifesting, ready to face us. The black night shifted, spiraling down, and still we kept on running.

The bells chimed once more, white lightning streaked through the sky, breaking it up.

There he was, unarmed and grinning, single, black angel's wing on his back.

Here we were, all five of us, with the blessing of Aerith to strengthen us.

We charged.

He laughed, outstretched his left arm and summoned Masamune.

The battle began.

Cloud was the first to reach him; he made a massive leap, bearing down on the General with the Buster Sword. Sephiroth deflected it easily, pushing him back and sweeping his blade around in a long arc aimed at Cloud.

_-Bangbangbang-_

Three flashes of silver as the blade moved to deflect Vincent's gunshots.

Nanaki leapt up from the side, claws bare and fangs out. The General moved out the way, letting him fall past. Vincent ran behind the beast as Sephiroth cut at Nanaki, letting loose another gunshot. Sephiroth stepped smoothly out of its path as Nanaki darted forward again to fastened his jaw into the General's arm.

A flick of the wrist and Nanaki went flying.

Sephiroth ducked and turned gracefully, avoiding Cloud's swinging cut, bringing his sword around and up to counter attack.

Cloud blocked it and quickly leapt away, as Barret unleashed a rain of bullets.

He darted to the side, nimbly dodging them. A breath later and he leapt aside again to avoid Nanaki's razor fangs.

He was so fast.

I ran forward, leaping up with a high kick to his face. He slid out the way, turning as he swung his blade down in an instant. I threw myself out of the way, rolling back to my feet and circling him.

Cloud attacked again, using big, powerful slashes to drive Sephiroth back. He countered them all smoothly, smiling coolly as he did so.

Vincent ran to the side; unleashing bullets at Sephiroth's back to trap him in one place. The General grinned and leapt into the air, wing unfurled, as he swooped at Vincent.

Vincent raised his gun to shoot him at point blank.

_-bang-_

Sephiroth veered to the side, and it was only another rain of bullets from Barret that saved Vincent from losing his head.

He landed and darted forward, the blade arc swung again at Vincent.

He dodged one, two slices.

On the third strike, Vincent raised his gold gauntlet to block the cut. For a moment, the two men strained against the others strength. Sephiroth drew back the blade and slammed a fist into Vincent's face. He reeled back, bringing up his gun, automatically, to fire.

We could all see he moved too slow.

Arms and legs pumping, I sprinted towards the General. I aimed a low, sweeping kick his legs, which he leapt back to avoid. Vincent brought his gun up again and fired three more shots at him.

They pinged harmlessly off the Masamune.

I rose to my feet again and threw a series of punches at him. Just like our last encounter, he dodged them all effortlessly.

'_Yar!' _I ducked a horizontal cut, swinging a foot up for a powerful roundhouse. I missed, jumping back to avoid another cut.

Red leapt at him again. Sephiroth swerved out the way, letting the beast fall past. I darted forward, just as he brought his blade up to run me through. I side stepped and hit the flat of the blade away with the palm of my hand. I brought my other fist up to punch in his smirking face.

His right hand snaked out and seized it in a vicious grip. He grinned, twisting my wrist maliciously, and brought his blade around to kill me.

'_RRRAAAGGHHH!!!'_

Barret rammed his hefty bulk into him, seizing him in a deadly bear wrap. They both went crashing heavily down, and Sephiroth released my wrist. I scrambled away.

Barret was thrown off easily. The big man fell heavily to the ground as Sephiroth stood, arms beckoning us.

He had saved my life.

Cloud, again, was bearing down on the General. They crossed swords, slicing and cutting so fast with deadly skill. Sephiroth dodged the diagonal slash, swinging around Masamune in a deadly counter. Cloud leapt back; bringing his sword back up to meet the second cut aimed at his head.

Back and forth, back and forth.

The rest of us circled watching for an opening.

He stepped to the side and let Cloud fall through with his momentum, bringing the blade up to attack his exposed back.

Nanaki howled, a yellow aura surrounding his form as he charged at Sephiroth. Again, he fastened onto the General's sword arm.

A frown crossed Sephiroth's features.

Cloud scrambled up and charged again. Sephiroth wrenched his arm, with Nanaki on it, into Cloud's path, making him pull up short. He ducked, avoiding another bullet from Vincent.

Again I ran forward, with Barret beside me. A few steps away, Barret turned and crouched, offering out his good arm. Without missing a beat, I stepped onto it and let Barret haul me up into the air.

I back flipped midair, twisting my body around, landing neatly behind Sephiroth. Nanaki leapt away as I snapped out a sidekick at Sephiroth's back.

He dodged it, just.

And Cloud was bearing down on him again.

They struggled, swords crossed.

I aimed another low kick, as Nanaki made another leap at the General. He laughed, brushing off Clouds attack, slicing at Nanaki before bringing back the sword to bash me in the face with the butt end.

It missed my nose just, making me feel like a hammer had just removed the side of my face.

Back stepping to avoid the following cut, I hit the sword away again. Cloud ran forward, brandishing his large sword high before swinging it down with the intent to cleave Sephiroth in two.

The General didn't even bat an eyelid.

In a smooth motion he flipped his sword, changing his grip on the hilt, to meet the strike. I came up for another kick. He caught my foot in his right hand, flipping me over effortlessly. Nanaki reared up, slashing his claws at Sephiroth's torso.

Even Vincent was close now, swiping out with his golden claw; Barret threw a clumsy but powerful punch at his head. I made for another punch as well.

In a blast of pure power, we were cast off, like puppets on invisible strings.

Sephiroth laughed.

White-hot fury rose in me at his mockery, I let my spirit burn brightly, my chi running up and down my body. It was instinct, pure instinct. I know because everyone else was alight with it too. We were lanterns, beacons, vessels of the light.

The sky had gone white, alight with our purpose.

And still, he laughed.

_'Come, come then!'_

And we charged, our combined light against his, solitary dark.

The power, the light courses through us, we are channeling. Sephiroth was beaten back. We circled him, so fast, a blur.

Cloud leapt forward first, meeting blades, before he was pushed off. Nanaki swiped out to slash Sephiroth's calves so as to cripple him. He missed, and I stepped forward to perform a spinning kick to his face. He dodged, twisting away again to dodge the torrent of bullets from Barret.

He was hit in the back by a shot from Vincent, though. Furious, he spun and bared down on the man, a silver flash as he speeded forward and struck, impossibly fast.

A splatter of crimson red against the white sky.

I threw a blazing punch at his face, howling, following it with another spinning kick. He dodged both, and turned his bloody blade towards me. A snarl and Nanaki leapt again, to be thrown off, cut.

I growled, throwing another set of punches. He slid out the way, catching the last punch of my combo, hurling me over his head and into the ground.

Winded, I struggled up as he came again to strike me.

And Cloud is there, deflecting the blow, protecting me. I rolled out the way and he leapt away too, as Barret came up from behind us, roaring as he ran forward with a fierce blast of artillery.

Sephiroth grinned and leapt up, sailing over the torrent to strike down at Barret.

It went deep, so deep. Barret's eyes widened.

I screamed out hell's fury and run forward, but Cloud beat me too it.

Again, again they fight; slashing, dodging, so fast, so brutal, almost flying around each other.

The aura around Cloud intensified.

Sephiroth summoned the darkness, letting it swamp our light, fueling our despair. He had merged with the power from Kingdom Hearts; I don't know how, I just know. I could hear him goading at us through the torrent, as I tried to battle my way to him.

'_See, the power of Kingdom Hearts! You are noth-'_

He faltered, and something else _pulled. _

His face flickered from arrogance, to disbelief, to fury.

'_No…'_

The power was being sucked away, like a whirlpool. He gave out an animal scream and charged. Cloud met him, determined. The angry clashes as their swords met resounded starkly through the air, breaking it apart. Sephiroth was driven back, again and again by Cloud.

They broke apart, before rushing forward to clash again.

The scent of lilies lingered.

'_Aerith!' _I cried out, a last salvation, for it was her, she was here!

Cloud gathered his strength, and charged.

He cut through Sephiroth, again, again, and again, never pausing, and there was nothing that Sephiroth could do.

The earth shuddered, and still the vortex resisted, resisted Aerith's call.

But it could not win.

It was pulled back, sucked down, down and away from the General. His fury was burning, but to no avail, for he was beaten back by Cloud.

They were lost to sight amidst the torrent of power and energy. I could not reach them.

The noise, the roaring, it was everywhere and in everything. Smoke, black and white, churned in the air, all being pulled down. I stumbled through, searching for the others. Falling over something, I crouched to clutch onto the body of someone.

A moment of stillness, and silence.

_Whump._

And then it all fell. Down, and was gone.

* * *

**Authors note: **So...what did you think of that? I must admit, writing the battle scene was a challange, trying to incorporate everyone in so that it read smoothly. It was fun though, I was listening to the Advent Children soundtrack while writing it to hype me up, haha.

I used the ending script for reference when they confront Sephiroth (obviously changed slightly to accomodate the story) to try and make it a bit easier to visualise.

I don't know if any of you caught the hints for the two character...no, I shalln't say! You'll see next chapter.

Um...hope you ebjoyed it, as usual, and hope it was easy to understand/visualise :)


	30. Recollection xxix

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing.

**Recollection xxix**

It was a battle to behold, wasn't it? And every battle has its casualties.

When I came too, I was curled up and quivering on the ground, holding onto the battered body of a man. The smoke and the darkness were gone. All that was left were twisted towers of broken concrete. A skeleton of what had once been a proud city. It was ordinary storm clouds that laced the sky above.

When I looked down, it was to the bloody body of Barret.

I screamed.

* * *

Midgar was gone. It had collapsed onto itself, safeguarding the Gate. Cid had only just managed to get us out of there; it was crumpling and disintegrating before our very eyes.

Cloud had to tear me away from Barret's body; we had not the time to take it with us. I kicked and screamed and scratched at him with my nails, hurt, angry, and in denial.

_'NO! Don't you dare make me leave him, fuck you, let me go, I-'_

He ignored me. Pinning my arms to my sides, he picked me up bodily and dragged me on board. Once on the ship, I sagged in his grip, deflated, broken and torn.

Vincent was dead too, though we didn't see his body, we had not the time, we all knew it. All I remember is the crimson, his cape or his blood, fluttering or splattering against the sky.

Time, time, always out of time, there is never enough of it. It keeps being stolen from us. From me.

Oh gods.

* * *

Cid's face was ashen. He clapped a hand on Cloud's shoulder, when we were safely in the sky, for once he was not smoking. He turned to me, I was empty and silent by then, and I shook my head. He sighed like an old man and turned away.

Red rested his chin on my knee as I sat, numb, in some room of that ship, and let me leave a hand buried in some of his mane. It was the only contact I could bear at the time. Everything else hurt, emotionally and physically. It was very kind of him.

We three, we sat in silence, listening to the comforting hum of airship's engine.

Eiko had come, hovering at the doorway. Her face fell when she saw the three of us, she was old enough to count. I was bitter and empty; I turned my bruised face away.

Madeen placed a hand on her shoulder and led her out.

Cloud leaned against the wall, standing in front of me. None of us could meet the others eye, Red included. All the time the same thought played through my mind.

Was it worth it?

What did we achieve?

What had happened?

I sighed heavily, slouching down in my seat.

I remembered Barret, when I had first met him. I had been intimidated by his size, his broad back that was knit with tattoos, scars and muscle. He looked every bit the thug, the gangster. His heavy bulk had almost filled the entire alleyway. Nervous, I had pulled the baby Marlene behind me, stunned as she reached out her arms and called him '_papa._' Slowly, I had-

_-Oh gods, Marlene_, and a sick sense of horror rose within me. Bile rose to my throat and I had gagged, choking to keep it down.

Cloud looked sharply at me. Red raised his head in concern.

I clutched at my throat, trying to breathe deeply. I sobbed, mashing my tired fists into my eyes to stem the tears.

'_What am I going to tell Marlene?' _I said in a ragged whisper. There was a desperate, raw edge to my voice _'Her Papa…her papa's-'_

I couldn't continue, couldn't say it.

I lifted my head and swallowed my sobs painfully, making me shudder. Pinching the bridge of my nose to stop my leaking eyes, I remembered to breathe slowly. They were heavy, raw, but at least I was not hyperventilating.

Composure.

When I looked up, Cloud's heavy eyes were on the floor. His face was as much a mask as my own was.

* * *

I slept on and off for five days. All of us were wounded and exhausted beyond all measure. Bruised, bloody, battered, and so disheartened.

Everything blurred into one, hazy sensation. I existed between the faded areas of true sleep and waking hours. I was empty, drained. I hardly ate, and when I was awake, I stared out the window, watching as the dead land passed us by.

When I slept, I dreamt of them. The dead.

Phantoms, they were all phantoms, but they crowded around me, and I could not escape them. I did not want to.

'_It ain't come up half bad, has it?' _He stood back to admire the front of the 'new' bar _'We'll make it right and respectable.'_

He nodded to himself, frowning, but pleased.

Biggs was hammering away at makeshift sign reading 'Seventh Heaven' yelling at Wedge to get him some more damn nails. Jesse was painting the railing. She rolled her eyes at me and winked, grinning.

Aerith came out the door, a fresh bunch of lilies in her arms.

'_Look here, for you,' _she smiled and held them out to me _'they'll make it smell nicer, don't you think?'_

I picked one out and smelt it, smiling as I did so. It smelt so sweet.

I grinned. I wanted to tell her that they were perfect, but for some reason, I could never speak in those- in those dreams.

She smiled understandingly and patted my shoulder.

_'Shall we get some more?'_ and we were there, at that church, where she made them grow. I stood at the doorway, staring down the aisle as Aerith tended to the flowerbed. 

She beckoned to me, waving. I started to walk over, stopping as the heavy door behind me creaked open.

I spun, fists raised to meet the calm gaze of Zagane. I balked. His footsteps are heavy on the wooden paneled floor. His face was still, calm, giving away nothing and reflecting all.

'_You are early, good.' _He gave a nod of acknowledgment to Aerith behind me, who curtsied neatly in response. I frowned slightly, confused. Sensei turned his gaze to me, raising his own fists and throwing a punch at me.

I was twelve again, back home in Nibleheim. Sensei threw another punch, and I only just blocked it.

'_Be prepared,' _he says '_never let your guard down, and don't tense up in anticipation either, you need to be able to move freely.'_

The whole class nodded, wide eyed. I walk back in line as Sensei beckons forth another student. Johnny, I realize with a startle, my cousin and friend. He shoots me a toothy grin as he steps up to Sensei.

He missed the block, and is slapped lightly on the face.

Two more failed attempts and Sensei speaks again.

'_Concentrate, stop trying so hard to block me and just do it.'_

Johnny shrugs, and turns back to face me. He gave martial arts up after two years.

_'Hey Tifa, you and your folks are coming over tonight, aren't they?' _

I nod hesitantly. He gins and grabs my arm, pulling me away. I look back at Zagane-Sensei, his face is passive and solemn.

'_Just go along with the current, don't try and fight it, move along with it.' _He raises a hand in farewell and is lost to sight.

I look back at Johnny, but he is not smiling anymore. His face is shadowed, older and weary. I realize he is wearing a uniform. A Soldier's uniform, like Clouds.

I step back, surprised.

He smiles ruefully.

_'I tried, Tifa, I really did…but it got so dark, and I couldn't…'_ His voice fades away, and he shakes his head sadly. 

Worried, I reach out a hand, but he is gone.

I am alone.

All is quiet in the town. It is just as I remember it. I look across the town center and see my house, with mother pruning the roses outside. She has a large sun-hat on, and a pretty blue summer dress. She pauses for a moment, raising a hand to her eyes. I turn to see what she is peering at in the distance, but all I see are flames.

Terror paralyses me, and again and again I watch the figures of my mother and father face down the swarming Heartless urging me to run.

'_Your mother and I love you very much. We'll hold them off for as long as we can. Go.'_

'_We love you, honey,' _my mother called out.

Finally, tears streaming down my face, I flee. Running down the streets of old Nibleheim, the fire burns higher and higher, and I can't breath.

They are after me, nipping at my heels, scratching my arms and I want to scream. They are down every corner I turn, leering, hungry. I cannot stop, only keep running, away. I want to turn and fight, obliterate them all, but I cannot. I have come to a dead end.

I am trapped.

_'Tifa!'_

I look up, and Vincent holds out a hand. I reach out, desperately, and he pulls me onto the ledge.

We are on the mountain.

It is so quiet.

We sit on the dirt, and I draw swirling patterns in the dust. A cold wind blows, destroying my dirt patterns. I shiver and draw my legs up close and hug them. He turns and raises an eyebrow. I smile and shrug. He sighs.

'…_I went mad up here. Loneliness…it walks hand in hand with madness.' _He pauses for a moment, considering his words _'They both walk hand in hand with the Darkness too, but you know that.'_

I look up, wanting to speak, but my voice is clogged. I want to tell him that he wasn't mad, not when I knew him, and that he hadn't been alone, when he was with us, had he?

He nods, seemingly reading my mind.

_'Yes…comradeship brings its own kind of light, I think.'_

I reach forward and tug at his cloak, something that I had never done before. I smile sadly.

He hesitates before speaking.

'_Maybe…yes…maybe it was friendship too.' _The corner of his lip curls for a moment, before he frowns again.

'_You should not be here.' _He says, before reaching over and pushing me off the ledge. My mouth is wide in shock, and I fall, watching his sad, solemn face become smaller and smaller.

But I am in the church again, with Aerith, like nothing has happened. She is picking her flowers, humming softly to herself. Barret is sitting on one of the pews, watching the two of us. I sit up, slowly.

He smiles sadly at me.

'_Your a good girl, Teef, helpin' out an' all,' _He sighs heavily, rubbing a hand over his tired face _'I really 'ppreciate what you've done for Marly, y'know?'_

Beside me, Aerith laughs softly.

I start to cry, the tears falling silently from my face.

'_Hey, don' cry now, girl.'_

'_It will be ok, Tifa, I promise.'_

That's how I awoke, crying softly into my pillow as the dream and the people fade. I hated it, yet I didn't want to let them go. It hurt so much to see them, but it was them, there with me. Sometimes it was hard to remember what had really happened, and what was dream.

* * *

'_He was a good man, ole' Wallace.'_

Cid doesn't look at me. He fiddled with some control, speaking through a cigarette. I unfold my arms and look at him. I hadn't spoken much since we boarded a week ago, and Cid respects that. He hasn't pushed for conversation, and I am grateful.

I am tired. My sleeping pattern is more or less back to normal, although I am still plagued by my dreams, which seem to wear me out more then anything. I try and work myself tired in one of the empty cargo holds, though. It sometimes works.

'_They were both good men,' _I say softly, pausing before adding the after thought _'…and women…' _

The Captain grunts and hits the top of the control panel.

'_They were all probably good people…didn't help 'em much though.' _He says bluntly. Surprisingly, I like him more for it. It is good, not necessarily helpful, but good to hear the honest truth.

I had not replied, returning my gaze to the window.

'_Dammit!' _he curses and thumps the controls again. I turn my head again and raise an eyebrow.

'_Radio…' _he mutters sheepishly _'I wanna call home.'_

I nodded, satisfied that it's not the ship itself that isn't working.

I sighed. I am far too tired. Grief is such a hard thing to bear, and in those times, grief was no stranger.

'_How long?'_ I ask.

He didn't look up.

_'Well…we just passed one of the lesser cities, Balamb, so, it won't be more then five days 'till we get there.'_

'_Oh good.'_

Silence, listening to the clunks and clanks of the ship, and the hum of the engines. Those noises could be surprisingly comforting.

'_Look…err…Tifa…' _He stammered, seemingly nervous. He leant on the panel, rubbing the back of his neck with one hand.

I turned to face him, my face still.

He straightened, stepping away from the panel and wheel. His feet clunk heavily on the metal grating floor. I notice that he has pulled something from his pocket, and is fingering it.

'_Look…Wal-Barret gave this to me…before…before you lot left. Safe keeping, yeah?' _He chewed on his fag, mulling over his own words. I stiffened at his words. Finally, after a long pause, he held out his hand.

'_Said he wanted me to give this to his little girl…if he didn't make it…' _His thick, smokers voice is surprisingly gentle _'but I…I don't think that I can…so what I'm askin'…is…would you…'_

'_Ye-es…' _the tremor in my voice was clear, I couldn't help it. I knew what it was. It was a necklace, Marlene's mama's, Barret had showed me once before.

Sniffing, I reached out and took it from that gruff old pilot. My fingers trembled as I grasped the small, silver pendent. Maybe even a tear escaped down my face.

'_Thank you, I will.' _I whispered.

* * *

'_She was there, wasn't she, Red?' _I said quietly.

He shifted, raising his head and shaking out his mane. He gives out one of his unique _wumphs, _before resting his head again on his paws.

'_Yes,' _His voice is deep, guttural. I slide down to sit cross-legged next to him on the floor. Cloud stalls, before joining us, leaning against the opposing wall. I look at his feet and them up at him.

He sighs and sits down. Our knees are almost touching.

'_She…gave us her blessing, I felt it, and I wasn't afraid anymore…' _I continue.

Red gave a throaty grunt.

'_What does that mean?' _Cloud asked softly, intensely. The beast closed his single, yellow eye.

'_Aerith was a white mage, a mage of light, and an exceptional one at that,' _He sounded so tired, I guess we all did _'She left Radiant Garden looking for a way to stop Sephiroth…I think she found it.'_

Cloud shook his head, frustrated. I sighed.

'_She was there,' _I repeated _'somehow…she was there, and she managed to…take the power away from Se…from him.'_

'_She used his own tactic against him.' _He said shortly. His tail flickered.

I brought my knees up and hugged them, studying my clasped hands. Cloud looked at Red questioningly.

'_She…merged with the magic of Kingdom Heats?'_ he sounds skeptical, hesitant, as if he was afraid to believe in miracles.

'_Yes,' _Red sounds almost impatient. I guess the subject was still painful. Of course it was, for all of us _'stranger things have happened. She was at the center before he, she became the channeler, and we, in turn, became the vessels, for a moment.'_

'_-and she used it to seal the gate, not destroy it.' _I finished, with a sad nod _'I see…'_

Aerith, how like her. Had she planned it all along, or just simply played it by ear? Either was likely, I think.

I smiled at her memory.

_'We have her to thank, then.'_

'_Maybe…'_

'_Is she still out there, Red? How though? I saw her-' _Cloud choked, and sat up straight, face stern, serious _'He…killed her, so how…?'_

'_I don't know Cloud,' _Red sighed, shaking his long head slowly, so sadly_ 'I don't know…'_

* * *

The loss, the loss, I should be used to it by now, but I never am.

Sometimes it's so damn hard to get up in the morning and put a smile on my face. I guess that's known as getting on with things, getting on with your life.

Even now it still hurts, after all this time. The memories, though, they hurt, but I could not bare to be without them. They hold their own light in my heart.

Cloud, Nanaki and I.

We became so silent. That time on the ship, flying to a place I'd only ever heard about, was full of loss and empty, silent grieving. I felt so hollow. I didn't like either of them being out of the room, paranoid I know, but I had felt so scared and helpless.

I think they felt like that too. We were almost always in the same room, saying nothing, just sitting in silence.

Eiko rarely approached us. For all her maturity, she was still so young, and we felt so old and weary and battle worn. I guess she could feel our sorrow, as sharp and painful as it was.

I missed them, I wanted them. I wanted Barret to snore as he slept, to bicker with Cid, or anyone who was available, growl at Cloud. I wanted Vincent to raise that arched eyebrow, for him counter Barret's brashness with cool calmness, I wanted him to clean his guns almost tenderly.

I missed the red cape and the dark hair; I missed the ratty, torn jacket and the smooth brown skin.

I guess it was different, this time. Aerith, for all that I had cared for her, I had cared for them more. I grew up with them; I started Avalanche with them. Aerith was a friend, and a dear one, but they were family.

Enough.

I must stop, I have too.

I'm sorry.

* * *

**Authors notes: **This was a chapter I really enjoyed writing(strange, I know), especially the dream bit. I think it flows nicely...maybe...

Just to clarify, the dream isn't meant to be Tifa actually speaking with the dead ( I haven't given her wierd powers or anything like that), its her subconscious trying to cope with her loss, sort of. She misses them so she dreams of them. I kind of left it open so it could be either, though...

If you look a little closer in the previous chapter, you will see I mentioned/hinted at Barret and Vincents deaths, in a very evasive sort of way. Hope I got the grief across and all.

A big thanks out to everyone reading this!


	31. Recollection xxx

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing.

**Recollection xxx**

The city before us was beautiful. It was clean, it was light.

The sun shone.

Cid's ship swung down, landing in the docking bay, that hefty bulk of metal coming back to its roost.

A crowd awaited us.

Why? They had heard of us, heard that we had gone to do battle with the Darkness, to liberate Midgar. They thought we were heroes, those who dared do what no one else had dared to do.

Not strictly true, but that's a legend for you.

Maybe they were curious.

It doesn't really matter. They came to meet us, that's all there is, really.

Cid led the way off the ship. Eiko and a watchful Madeen left next, whilst we followed reluctantly last. We did not want to face them, the crowd. It was almost too much.

I stepped off the gangplank, and stopped.

The sun was shining. It was warm.

I closed my eyes, and raised my face to it. Too long had we lived under shadows.

'_Tifa! TI-FAA!!'_

My eyes snapped open to see little Marlene running at full speed towards me. A mousy haired woman with glasses followed her for a few steps, before stopping.

I knelt and caught my little girl fiercely.

'_Tifa, oh-you came back I _knew_ you would-'_

She buried her face into my neck, almost strangling me with her small arms around my neck. A large and painful ball rose in my throat as I clutched her tighter.

"_Marly…Marlene, sweetie, love…' _I squeezed my eyes shut, feeling her warmth, her life, her heartbeat. She was sniffing, but laughing a little with relief. I choked, clutching her to me like a lifeline.

'_Tifa, you're squeezing me!'_

I didn't let go, but did relinquish my grip a little so that she could breath.

She squirmed, pulling back and looking at my face. Reaching up a small hand, she placed it on my tear stained cheek, butting noses with me.

'_You're crying, silly Tifa.'_

'_Huh…' _I lowered my eyes, more tears spilling out. I was shaking, I could feel it. I ached inside _'s-sorry…'_

Marlene had giggled at me. Hands on my shoulders, she peered behind me.

'_Hiya Cloud an' Red! When's Papa and Vincent comin' out?'_

I froze.

No one answered her. Cid stopped in front of me, he had heard her words. I saw her little face frown.

'_Red? Cloud? Wha-'_

I tried to speak, but I couldn't.

_'Tifa, when's Papa coming out?'_

I lowered my eyes.

'_Tifa?'_

'_Mu…Marlene…' _I managed to croak out.

'_Tifa!' _Her eyes were wide, and there was no mistaking the panic in her voice. I swallowed heavily.

_'Marlene…Ba-Barret's…he…'_

"_No…' _She stepped away from my embrace, a look of horror and realization growing on her face. She was a smart girl. She was perceptive. She-

'NO!' 

'_Marlene…' _I reached out for her, wanting to hold her again _'…I-I'm sorry…yo-ur P-papa didn't…'_

'_NO! You're lying!! S-stay away!' _Something raw broke out in her voice when she screamed that. She hit away my hands, baring her teeth at me.

'_Please…sweetie-' _I tried again. Fresh tears fell from mine, and new ones sprang from hers.

She sprinted away, bolting to Cloud, who stood near. She clutched his leg, frantically tugging at his clothes.

'_Cloud, she's lying, why is she lying, where's Papa?' _Sobbing, she beseeched him for an answer _'Tell me where my Papa is, please Cloud!' _

All he did, all he could do, is look down and shake his head wordlessly. I saw her little fists clench tighter. A high-pitched wail came from her small frame; it broke my heart, and she buried her head into Cloud's trousers.

Why? Why? WHY?

He had a daughter, dammit! Why him? Why any of them? Why did this happen to us? Why this pain? I started sobbing then, heaving in heavy chunks of air as my body shook violently. I couldn't move, only curl up and punch the ground with my shaking fists.

'_I'm sorry!' _and with a cry, I sprinted towards the little girl and Cloud. Falling to my knees beside her, I pulled her towards me as she sobbed and cried and howled, and I held her so close. She was a dead weight, so heavy, but so fragile. I bundled her into my arms and kissed her cheeks and face, all the while, crying and sobbing myself.

She clung to me, burying her face into my shoulder.

'_Papa…' _she moaned.

'_I know, I know, I'm so sorry baby, I'm sorry…' _I whispered to her endlessly, rocking back and forth as we wept.

Cloud stood there, awkward and unsure. I ignored him. I ignored Red. I ignored Cid. I ignored the crowd, watching on silently.

Was it forever? I don't know. My tears dried up, leaving my skin sticky with salt. Still, I held Marlene until, eventually, her tears dried up too. I stroked her hair, turning her face up.

'…_wh-y?'_

I kissed the top of her head softly, before replying in a weepy voice.

'_Because he lov-ed you, sweetie…and he wanted to…to fight for you, so that you would be safe.'_

But her face was so empty, so torn. I brushed the hair from her eyes and kissed her cheeks again, pulling her close.

I saw Red approach, quiet and respectful. He tilted his muzzle, nudging my arm softly, and I understood.

Sighing, I gathered Marlene, Barret's daughter, his light, into my arms and stood. She let me pick her up, heavy and silent. I bit my lip, holding back another wash of tears, before raising my face to look at Cloud's.

Was it understanding I saw in his eyes? Was it pity, was it regret?

I looked away, following Red into Radiant Garden.

* * *

Ansem the Wise, leader of Radiant Garden, formally welcomed us to his city three days later.

Oh it was grand, noble. The pomp and ceremony was lavish. Flowers on the streets and banners on the buildings. Even medals for the three of us, celebrating our 'victory,' as well as a small pendent for Marlene. Oh, the sympathy was in his voice, genuine, concerned, as gave his respects to our dead comrades.

Oh, we were looked after, new clothes and accommodation.

It made me sick.

The celebrating faces of the Radiant Garden folk were blindly happy. They did not question their leader, so they celebrated for a cause and a battle that was not their own. Those of the refugees were a mixture of bitterness and nonchalance. They, and we, had been so fucked over.

Those medals were fake, false, empty. They meant nothing. Just some cheap gift to win us over, to woe us. Just pretty, shiny metal, in an attempt to promote goodwill. We had not fought for him, that Ansem. We had fought for the people of Midgar, for ourselves. What right did that man have to award us medals of honour? It had nothing to do with him.

And he had the audacity to award us with those medallions.

I threw mine out, and replaced Marlene's with Barret's silver pendent. That was a true badge of honor. I believe that Cloud and Red did likewise.

As he spoke to us, with that ceremony, I had to bite my cheeks and clench my fists tightly to prevent myself from spitting at the man. Where had he been when the Darkness first arrived? As Ansem thanked us for our battle I wanted to scream at him, _where were you?_ When he expressed regrets at the massive loss of life I wanted to ask _what did you do to lessen it?_

Maybe I understand why Aerith chose to take matters into her own hands.

As the confetti fell down, I looked to the sky. I could not look at the crowd, at their leader. I gripped Malene's hand tighter.

Gods I was so bitter about it. In some ways I still am.

It all ended the same in any case.

* * *

Cid put us up for the first month. His wife, Shera, was the one that had looked after Marlene while we were away, for which I was very grateful.

Nanaki, or Red, chose to abide with us too.

_'What purpose do I have? My charge is gone, and I do not want another. I will stay with you for the time being.'_

_'Sure, ya all welcome.'_

We faded into obscurity, away from the public eye. We wanted nothing to do with it. We wanted to grieve, and get on quietly.

* * *

_'Cloud?'_

'…_yeah?'_

'_Do you think…any of it was worth anything?'_

'…'

'_Cloud?'_

'_I…don't know.'_

'_Neither do I…'_

* * *

_'…Tifa?'_ The little girl looked up at me as I tucked the quilted blankets around her. She clutched her father's pendant in one hand, she always wore it.

'_Yeah?'_ I sat on the edge of her bed.

She hesitated, and I waited for her to speak.

_'It…its like in Midgar, isn't it? When Jessie and Biggs and Wedge all left…'_ She sighed heavily '_They're not coming back, are they?'_

I bit my lip, feeling sadness wash over me, pulling at my heart. Perhaps she needed to say it out loud, to accept that they were gone.

All gone.

_'No…they're not…_' I replied.

_'I miss them. S'pecially Papa. I miss him a whole lot.'_ Marlene said in a quiet voice. I smiled sadly and stroked her cheek, like my Mama used to do to me when I was little.

_'Me too sweetie, me too.'_

Shera was a good woman. When I came down from putting Marlene to bed, she saw the look on my face and bade me to sit down at the kitchen table. I did, and she promptly made me a cup of hot tea.

'_You ok?'_

She was very kind, and though we did not know each other well, I respected her for the care she gave Marlene, and she respected me from what Marlene had told her. Cid was lucky to find himself a wife like her, one that could actually put up with him and his fowl temper.

I sighed heavily, running a hand through my hair.

_'Yeah…just…_'

She nodded, understanding.

'_It's hard for you both. For all of you.'_

_'…'_ I had sipped my tea, not wincing as it burned my tongue. I hadn't really noticed it, at the time '_I guess…the hardest thing…is…that we didn't get to say goodbye. No last words, no final breath, nothing.'_

Fingering the rim of the mug, I stared at my faint reflection in the tea. Shera waited, and my voice broke a little when I continued.

_'A-ll…all I can be thankful for is that…is that…'_ Tears started to fall, yet again, but I struggled to continue, wiping them away _'…is that…they were killed, they did die, and that that bastard didn't turn them into Heartless instead…'_

I sniffed, taking the handkerchief Shera offered to clear my nose.

_'We can be grateful for small mercies, then.'_ She said softly.

I agreed.

Agree.

* * *

Eventually, we moved out of Cid's hospitality, Cloud, Marlene and I. We moved into a little house above a bar, which I reopened. Marlene started school, a first for her, and I was glad for the sense of normality it offered her. Cloud bought a bike, would you believe, and started up 'Strife's Delivery Service.' It was moderately successful, but it kept him busy, gave him something to do.

We fell into routine, I guess.

We tried to forget all the hurt and the pain, tried to fit in with this city of light and laughter. It was beautiful; it seemed almost unreal at times.

I say 'tried to forget' but I guess what I really meant was 'tried to get on with things.' We did our best though, that strange, awkward family of ours. We acted out normality, rather well, I think, considering our pasts.

_'Whatchya gonna call the bar, Tifa?'_

'_We're still thinking about it.'_

'_I wish it was Seventh Heaven.'_ Marlene said slowly, as if she had given it much thought. Inwardly I cringed. It was a name I associated with Midgar, with the past. Of lost friends and lost hopes. A reminder of what we had lost.

Just having the past in me was enough. There was no need to go to the trouble of making a name that would just remind me of it. 

'_Why?'_

'_Because it was fun. If we make it Seventh Heaven we'll have fun again.'_

I had forgotten, in my musings, how adults always had their own agendas. Marlene was a child, she had nothing to do with them. To her, Seventh Heaven was a happy place, where her first family, Barret, Biggs, Wedge, Jessie and I, had made a home for her, and a sanctuary for us. We laughed and smiled when we were with her, we played games and joked around.

She wasn't hurt by the memories of our loved and our lost; she was comforted by them.

So, for her and her memories, I named the bar 'Seventh Heaven.'

* * *

I stopped dreaming of the dead, for a while. Or maybe I did dream, I just did not remember when I woke. 

I don't know. It doesn't really matter that much. I guess I'm just trying to remember my time there. The names, the faces, the streets… 

Radiant Garden, city of flowers. 

Sigh. 

I couldn't erase my past. I could only compromise and learn to live on.

* * *

**Authors note: **Not much to say really, except that I sure felt sad writing that forst bit.

Hmm...some parts of this and in furture chapters as well have been borrowed from 'On the way to a Smile: the case of Tifa' which is the official short story. Personally, I don't think the translation was done very well, but there are certain bits in it that are quiet poiniot(spelling?) in describing Tifa's feelings. Needless to say, these are the parts I've 'borrowed.'

Bah! works a bum, stealing me of my creative energy...


	32. Recollection xxxi

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing.

**Recollection xxxiv**

I liked working at that bar. The people smiled when they came in. They laughed and talked with their friends. I rarely had trouble in there, and after the first couple of bar fights, I proved I could deal with them rather efficiently, so to speak.

Marlene liked to help sometimes, when it wasn't too late. She would stand on a stool, reaching over the counter to carefully pass the full glass to the customer.

'_There you go, sir.'_

_'Why, thank you little lady.'_

Sometimes Cloud acted as bouncer, not that he was needed often. Other times he would sit at the bar watching the people around him.

Often he wasn't there at all.

I think he liked to keep busy, so that he wouldn't have to be here, to face us and all our memories. Maybe he simply didn't know how to deal with us, how to act out a normal family. We tried, though, and when he was here we did well enough.

It made me sad, that he afraid to fully embrace the concept of 'our family.'

'_Hey.'_

I looked up from where I was washing up in the sink. There was a boyish, young girl there, or rather, a teenager. Fourteen, fifteen, maybe? She looked Wutain, though it was hard to tell for the dark. It was late, and the bar was closed, Marlene was asleep upstairs, and I had been sure that I had locked the door.

'…_hello…' _I replied, wary and alert. Some things never leave you.

She looked at me, slanted, violet eyes regarding me, judging, almost. I frowned.

'_I'm sorry, can I help you?'_

'_You're Tifa Lockhart, right? The one from Midgar?'_

'_Um…yes…'_

She scowled at me, and I was confused. Why was she here? Was she angry with me?

'_I knew her, you know…' _She said quietly, still scowling. Her words made me pause, for without a doubt I knew which 'her' the dark haired girl was speaking of.

My fingers drummed restlessly on the counter. The girl looked up in annoyance, but I was staring into space.

'_Hey, did you just hear what I said? Listen-'_

'_Yes, yes, I heard.' _It had been a long day, and this girl was opening up old wounds that made me sad and weary _'You knew her then…Aerith. So who are you?'_

She huffed at me. 

_' The Great Ninja Yuffie, and that's 'princess' to you.' _ She puffed out her chest, hands on hips and a no nonsense expression on her face. 

_' From Wutai?' _

_' Duh.' _

_' I'm sorry.' _

_' What?'_

I looked down at my rough hands, fingering the calluses. The surprise and disbelief in her voice was apparent. I had thrown her off guard. I had realized what she was looking for. 

Closure. 

_' I'm sorry, then…for…for Wutai…for Aerith…everything…' _

_' Hey, what makes you think you have any idea-' _

_' Look.' _ I jerked my head up to meet her eyes. She was sad, angry about what happened to her, If she really was the Wutai princess, like she said, she must have been evacuated before it was too late. An exile from her own Land. And then she would have come here, and Aerith, kind lady of compassion that she was, would have befriended her. 

And then she left. 

And then we returned, with Red, saying we had defeated Sephiroth, and Aerith was not with us. 

Yes, she was looking for closure. For answers, and explanation. Probably even for someone to blame. I understood, but that did not mean I would allow her to make me her scrap goat. 

_' I don't know what you had in mind when you came here in the middle of the night, but if you're looking for a fight, you won't get one.' _ I said, voice calm. 

'_You…' s_he growled softly, under her breath. She looked like she was going to explode.

'_-and you won't get a screaming match either. There's a little girl upstairs who's sleeping and I 'd rather not wake her…' _The girl, Yuffie, looked upset, unsure, maybe even confused. Lost. Something in my heart snared at that. Maybe she just wanted a friend.

'_I…you…you don't understand!' _Upset, yes, she was. Hands balled into fists and eyes that were filling up with tears. Still reeling in shock, grief too _'She…she was like a sister to me!'_

I had kept calm, regarding her for a moment. I sighed. 

_'… I understand…I think…'_ I said softly. I felt so old, so tired. Yuffie looked up, mouth set in a determined line. She didn't want to cry, no. 

_' Sh…shut up! How could you?' _

_' We've both lost the same things, haven't we?'_

She didn't answer, just wiped her eyes furiously and scowled some more. She was a fierce one, Yuffie. 

' _Hey…'_ I started, for I am not cold hearted '_Yuffie…do you…would you like a drink or something?'_

She shook her head, wiping her eyes again as she did so. She seemed deflated, now. Maybe she was just as weary as I am. 

' _Here, it can be on the house. Maybe I'll have one with you.' _

_' M' underage…' _ she mumbled, not looking at me. 

_' I've got non-alcoholic drinks as well…' _ she looked up and I smiled '_Sit down, what do you want?'_

I turn and grab two half-pint glasses from the shelf behind me. Out the corner of my eye I saw her climb onto one of the barstools, and I smile softly to myself.

'_Mnnn…fine.' _Her tone is almost sulky, almost reluctant, almost relived _'OJ and lemonade, with ice and no lemon.'_

'_Sure thing, coming right up.'_

We don't say much. I tell her about the bar in Midgar, and the journey to Junon. She told me that her mother stayed in Wutai to fight while her father got her out.

'_Aerith was awesome, she took care of me when I had to get away from Pops. Listened and stuff. She always complained that my hair was too short to braid, though, so I did hers instead.'_

I grinned.

'_Aerith liked her braids, didn't she?'_

Yuffie grinned back at me, and I noticed that she had dimples.

'_And her flowers.'_

'_Lilies, yes.' _I agreed, remembering their scent, her scent, during that battle. I sighed. We sit in silence for a while, sipping our non-alcoholic beverages. Yuffie shifted in her seat.

_'You know…I didn't know what to expect when I came here tonight.'_ I glanced up at her but she didn't meet my eyes, only twirled her drink, making the ice swing in a whirlpool _'I guess…I was pretty angry, I still am, in some ways. I…wanted…to…see you, figure out why you were so special that made you come back instead of h-er.'_

Her eyes flickered guiltily towards me. I nod, understanding.

'_I think that all the time…' _my own confession, to a girl I barely knew _'Not just Aerith, but…the others too…my friends…they…'_

I sigh again.

_'I guess in the end it just comes down to chance. I got lucky, and I'm here.'_

'_You think its only luck?' _Her voice was curious, and surprisingly mature for one that looks so young. I shrugged.

_'Must be. Isn't anything else.'_

'_You don't believe in fate? Destiny?'_

'_Not really. You?'_

She didn't answer, for the moment.

_'Wutai's god states that everything has a purpose, has a reason for being here. I guess that's sorta like fate, isn't it?'_

'_Hmm…'_

We left the talk of fate and destiny at that.

'_Well, thanks for the drink, yeah? Sorry for picking your lock an' all…'_

'_No problem…Yuffie?' _She turned back and I paused from where I'd begun to clear away the glasses _'Come back again some time, won't you?'_

She grinned.

_'Sure.'_

Like a shadow, she slipped out the door.

* * *

I began to learn the faces and names of my regulars. Little pieces of their lives, their light. 

There is the white mage with the kind, round face with long brown hair and clad in yellow attire. Her guardian is a huge bulk of a man, armored heavily like a knight, with a stern face. She comes to meet a wiry man with ash blond hair and a cheeky grin. Zidane, I think his name is. 

He saves his flirtatious smiles for her, though. 

Then there are the three Guards, Lucil, with the orange bright hair and eloquent speech, Elma, her quiet friend and the bumbling Clasko. They come in smiling, joking, always with a nice word to me. They tell me about Radiant Gardens history, the legends. I like listening to them. I like their comradeship. 

The little Moogle creature, Stiltzkin, dressed in tiger striped clothing. He is a traveler, I hear from Cid, who regards him as all hot air. Still, he attracts a crowd when he is in; he has many a tale to tell. 

A theater group, Tantalus, also frequents. They tended to fill up the bar, and liven it. Actors are always dramatic. Baku, Blank, Cinna, Marcus, Ruby, and the Nero Brothers. It took a while, but eventually I learnt all their names.

It is so normal, to smile here. It surprised me, at first. Their smiles are genuine, too, not laced with bitterness, sadness or loss. I found my own shy, guarded smiles became more frequent, more genuine, even if they were no less guarded. 

I could forget the darkness, for a moment, and revel in the light. 

It was warm. 

* * *

But Cloud grew quieter, more withdrawn. 

I wanted to reach out to him, but he felt so far away. He didn't join in with the cheerful guests, responding normally with a short word and curt nod. He almost resented them, I think, and I was afraid he resented me for enjoying the company. 

For things were so quiet when we were alone. 

The past would beat down heavy on us; the guilt and the anger and regret, the loss. 

I hated it. I was sick of it. I craved the light. 

' _Are you ok, Cloud?'_

He paused from where he stood, ready to leave on yet another delivery. I stood behind the counter, polishing glasses. 

' _Why do you ask?'_

_' Because I worry,'_ I shrugged, looking at his back '_and you're not here much and I…' _

My voice trailed off. He was waiting for me to continue though, he knew there was more to it. 

_'… I miss you…'_ I said quietly as he walked out the door. 

It didn't always go well but we were together. We were family. We lived in the same house and we lived by keeping that family together. Maybe there wasn't much conversation or smiles, not for a lack of trying, but we were family.

It was what I told myself, anyway.

* * *

Marlene was a solemn child. It became so apparent when I walked her to and from the school. Sure, she smiled and laughed like the rest of them, but it was her eyes that gave it away. They were so shadowed, layered, even when she grinned. 

I wondered if mine were the same. 

When she wept, which often in those early days, it was always softly, almost silent. I would hear the tears though, somehow, and I would be there, holding her and stroking her forehead, whispering to her. It tore at my heart, to see her so sad. 

Heartbreaking. 

She's my daughter, that's how I introduced her to people. She liked it a lot, I think, though she only called me 'mother' once. 

But that was… 

No. 

Not yet, I must keep on track. 

Marlene. My little girl. She made me smile. She helped me cope, even if she didn't realize it. She could break the silences between Cloud and myself. 

* * *

They erected a memorial, for Midgar. Nothing huge or fancy, just a small stone pillar opposite the one dedicated to Wutai. We went to the opening. One of Ansem's 'apprentices' did the honors. We had declined. 

The refugees that Cid had saved watched on, silently. 

When it was over, we were left standing there, staring at the only memory of our old home. It saddened me to think that this little statue was all that was left of our Land. Marlene stepped up and placed a small bunch of flowers at its foot. 

Cloud and I watched her small figure walk up, pausing as she gazed at the stone pillar. Barret was probably on her mind. He was on mine.

'_We've been through…so much,' _his soft voice surprised me _'I don't…know if this…'_

He waved a hand at the memorial, looking for the right words.

'_It doesn't really do it justice, does it?' _I spoke for him.

_'Yeah.'_

'_Maybe…' _he looked at me, and I tried to smile at him as I continued _'maybe that's something only we can do…ourselves…'_

The look he gave me was curious, contemplating. I sighed. He surprised me when he placed a comforting hand on my shoulder. Shyly, I met his steady gaze.

_'I…'_

Cloud looked like he was on the verge of saying something. I waited, but he faltered when he saw Marlene approaching. He looked away. 

'_Come on, lets go.'_ He said.

'_Cloud…'_

'_Where to?'_ Marlene asked.

_'To our suspended reality.'_

'_Huh?' _she frowned. So did I.

'_Back to our normal lives.' _He explained, shrugging, but I did not miss the tinge of bitterness in his voice.

'_Is that such a bad thing?' _I asked, jaw set. He saw my face, and looked down guiltily, almost ashamed.

_'No, its just…'_

I felt bad, because I knew what he had meant. We were still dealing with it all, facing our pasts, our sins, each in our own way. My eyes softened, for I had not meant to be so harsh.

'_It's ok…I know.' _I said quietly.

We both followed Marlene, back to our home, and I had wondered to myself if we ever would be 'normal.'

* * *

Times like those I almost felt normal.

* * *

**Authors note: **Celebration for ME!!! I just finishes Final Fantasy 6 on GBA, WHHHOOOOOO!

ah-hem, sorry, I'm just rather chuffed about it...

Anywho, Yuffie turns up, I put her at about fifteen, I think, she just seems really young in KH's hope she seems in character. Theres also a few (albeit brief) cameo's from other games.

Same as usual, hope you all like it. :)


	33. Recollection xxxii

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing

**Recollection xxxv**

_'Rinoa?'_

'_Huh?' _I looked up from where I was serving drinks, confused.

The man at the counter stepped back, gray eyes narrowed.

_'Sorry. I thought you were someone else.'_

'_Oh.' _I handed the finished drink over to the waiting customer before turning back _'Can I get you a drink in any case?' _

He hesitated, glancing around before nodding curtly.

_'Fine. Water.'_

'_You want water at a bar?' _I said incredulous. The man looked at me coolly, and I almost thought that he was not going to answer.

_'I'm waiting for someone. I'll drink then.'_

I shrugged. There were other, less difficult customers to serve.

_'Fine.'_

I got him his water and turned to Zidane, who grinned and winked before placing his order. As I got him the drinks he talked to me.

_'Busy night, Tifa, you should get some staff to help you out.'_

I gave a quick smile.

_'Now where would the fun be in that?'_

Truth was, I couldn't really afford it. Radiant Garden was a paradise compared to Midgar, but it wasn't free, and Marlene's schooling cost a lot.

Zidane shrugged, thanked me for the drinks and left.

A little while later I saw the gray-eyed man greet a dark haired woman, clad in blue. He came to order the drinks, as curt and as blunt as before. I scowled at his back. From his table with his white mage Garnet, Zidane saw and laughed.

A typical night, really.

* * *

I often lay awake at night, listening for him, listening to him. When he was late on a job, I would lie in my bed, in our room, and listen to the dim silence that only comes with night. It was not peaceful, it was not ominous. It was time at a standstill.

When he was home I would listen to him shuffling quietly, trying not to wake me, to his bed, hear its creaks and groans and wait for his soft breath to become steady in sleep.

I did not do it every night, for all night, but I did it enough for it to become routine.

I do not know if he knew I waited for him.

'_We'll be all right, won't we?_' I whispered to him, listening to those long, quiet breaths in the early hours of the morning.

Of course, there was no answer. Only the sound of Cloud sleeping, breathing. I wondered if he slept here because he felt a part of the family or if it was purely out of obligation. Or if he had no other choice, I don't know.

_'Do you love me?'_

It was the forbidden question, the forbidden word.

Cloud started, drawn away from his slumber, a dubious look on his face. I froze.

_'Hey…Cloud. Do you love Marlene?'_

Did it fool him? I don't know.

I don't seem to know that much, do I?

'_Yeah…' _He spoke slowly, carefully, still half asleep. Was he aware that I was waiting? _'but sometimes…I don't know how to approach her.'_

'_Even though we've been together for sometime?' _My voice was quiet, I was almost afraid to make too much noise. That would break this spell.

'_Maybe…that…just isn't enough.'_

Isn't enough for who? For him? Marlene? Me?

'_We aren't enough for you?' _Did the memory still hurt too much for him to let us fully in? Did he prefer to have the guilt and regret coiling around his heart, wounding it more and more every day?

Cloud didn't answer, or wouldn't answer, I don't know.

I left it there, the silence now awkward, tense. I was too sad, too hurt to mend it.

* * *

Sometimes I wished that everything could be just washed away. To wash away my murky, bruised past. Our past. To be given a clean slate. Was it a sin to want to be happy? 

I wondered if I could continue living the way I was. Pretending. Patching up the fraying threads of our strained family. 

It was so damn hard sometimes. But I tried. 

For Marlene, I tried to make it work. 

* * *

_'Tifa, I would like you to join us.'_

'_Hm…Sorry?'_

Lucil smiled knowingly, as if she were offering me a secret. She flicked back her bright orange hair casually with a hand, briefly glancing to where Cloud stood as he watched the bar.

_'Join us, the Home Guard.'_

'_Really?'_

The older woman leaned forward and lowered her voice.

_'There's been talk, Tifa, rumours. Heartless are been sighted on the borders of our Land.'_

I stiffened, really listening now. She nodded at my reaction.

_'No official word from Ansem the Wise, but more Soldiers are being sent out to Balamb this month, and more next as well. We can pretend all is well, but I intend to start more recruitment here as a precautionary action.'_

Perhaps I should explain. Lucil was a High Captain of the Radiant Garden Home Guard. Not an official military unit like the Soldier Troops, the Home Guard was seen as a 'last defense' precaution. As women were not allowed into Soldier, those inclined to the way of the warrior either opted for the Home Guard or became Guardians.

If Ansem the Wise was sending out so many of Radiant Gardens Soldier's, it could not be mere scouting duties they were in for. I was worried, for if Heartless had been seen, there was a real danger for the last Land.

'_So…' _I began, still contemplating. What would it mean for my family, if I accepted? What about time _'…hmm, I'll consider.'_

'_Please, do. Take your time. I've heard the stories, I think you would be a valuable asset to the Guards.' _

I felt a little colour rise to my cheeks. It seems we weren't completely forgotten by the people. Lucil nodded again, and left.

As I worked that day, her offer played itself out in the back of my mind. News of Heartless worried me. No official word worried me even more. It could be Sephiroth all over again, could it not?

Radiant Garden was my home, then, where we lived. Protecting it and protecting my family were one and the same.

But what if it further distanced me from Cloud and Marlene? What would my involvement mean to them?

Over and over, as I spoke, smiled, served drinks, it ran through my mind.

* * *

That night, Cloud brought home a child. 

He was unconscious when he was carried into the empty bar. Cloud held his limp little body in his arms as he gently set the boy onto the bar top. Shocked and worried, I hurried to his side.

The boy was so thin, scruffy and dirty. I did not know what to make of him, or why Cloud would bring a boy here. But he was alone, and he was here, and I knew that regardless, I would take care of him.

'_This kid came to my place.' _Cloud muttered as I began to wipe the boy's grimy face and clean his scrapes and grazes. My flickered u to his face for a moment.

'_What do you mean?'_

'_I mean…' _But he didn't answer.

* * *

When he woke up, he was wary, frightened. Marlene was there with me, and she befriended him almost straight away. He said his name was Denzel, and that he too was a refugee from Midgar. 

He was bedridden for a good many days, weak from sickness and malnutrition that comes from being a lost orphan on strange streets. I told him he was welcome to stay here, with us, and shyly, he agreed. 

I listened to Denzel's story, and it chilled me to think that Marlene had been one step away from that life, a lost waif on the streets. All it would of took was one mistimed bomb, one well guarded Reactor. It made me shudder.

I thought to myself that he was meant to come here.

Whatever Cloud had meant by it, I did not believe that Denzel had not gone to his place. He met Cloud so that he could come to my place. Our place. 

Marlene had been so happy when I said Denzel was staying. I was glad for it. He was another friend for her, someone who understood what it was like to lose a parent. I had not asked Cloud, I had told him, quietly, that I intended to give him a home. He had not argued, but merely nodded at my statement.

He fitted in with us, like a long lost jigsaw piece. He belonged with us. It was so natural, adopting him, it felt right. It made me happier, like he was another anchor to hold me down to reality. Another anchor to keep Cloud here.

Because Marlene and I weren't enough on our own.

* * *

Two nights a week I would close the bar early. I wanted us to spend time together, like a real family.

Maybe Cloud felt more responsible for Denzel then he did for Marlene. Whatever it was, it was good for us, for me. He took more time off work; he smiled just that little bit more. At night, he would always make sure he had time to spend with the children. I was so grateful for it, for Denzel. He was the future, in a way. He wasn't tied to our pasts, the way Marlene was.

Maybe we became a real family after Denzel arrived.

Did I expect too much from both of them?

No…I don't think so. I loved them for being there, for loving me, for seeing me.

They made the room that little bit lighter.

Cleaning up in the galley, I would look down towards the center table. It was 'our' table, then one we sat at together, to eat or to work. Cloud would sit there, sorting out the accounts for his delivery service, whilst his two 'assistants', Marlene and Denzel, would help him.

Actually, they would be doing homework or drawing colourful pictures of the four of us. Proud and smiling, they would present their works of art to me, becoming bashful when I pinned up every picture they drew on the wall.

They were beautiful, to me. Memories on paper.

Once Marlene drew herself and Denzel holding hands with a big black man, a woman in pink, and a man in a red cape. She told me that she wanted Denzel to meet them, and that that was the only way he could.

My eyes always itched and my heart always tugged a little when I looked at it.

It was my favorite.

* * *

Marlene ran ahead, eager to view the flowers that graced the flowerbeds of Garden Square. She had her own particular rose bush, which she looked out for every time we came here. We came to the garden often, the two children and I. Sometimes it was nice to get away from the oppressive atmosphere of the bar.

_'Um…hey…Tifa?'_ Denzel always spoke quietly, hesitantly, as if he were examining every word before he spoke it.

'_Yeah?'_

Our arms bumped each other a little, he was too old to hold my hand, but young enough to want to stay close.

'_Can you…tell me something?'_

I paused and looked down to meet his wide, gray eyes. Smiling, I nodded.

_'Sure, ask away.'_

He looked to the sky, gaze circling to the buildings, the trees, to Marlene, and then back to me again.

_'It's about Cloud…'_ He faulted and I let my eyes widen a little, and he continued '_why does he never speak about Midgar?' _

_'Huh?'_

'_Cloud…I…he…never tells me anything about himself, not about Midgar, or Avalanche, or that town where you two grew up in…not even when I ask, he only changes the subject.'_

Something sad, akin to regret and disappointment, rose in me then. If Cloud could not speak to Denzel about his past, it meant he could not face it. Maybe he had needed more time, or maybe he was concentrating on the present, but I think that I had known that that was not the case.

'_Denzel…' _I started, wanting to take away the frown from his young brow. It was far too much like Cloud's _'maybe…maybe he's not ready to tell you yet.'_

'_What do you mean? Marlene knows, why can't I?'_

'_It's not like that…'_

I sighed, not sure how to handle this. I myself had struggled to understand what Cloud was thinking, how could I explain that to a child?

_'We lost…a lot of people, before we came here…I think…Cloud is still hurt by that.'_

Denzel's lips went into a straight line and he shook his head, clearly frustrated.

_'But you and Marlene still talk about it, why shouldn't he?'_

'_I…don't know…I don't know.' _Shaking my head I stammered _'He's just…Cloud…'_

* * *

'_Lucil asked me to join the Home Guard.'_

Cloud glanced sharply at me from where he was studying his maps. I continued polishing glasses, it's all I ever seem to do these days.

'…_Really?'_

'_Yes.'_

There was pregnant pause then, which seemed hang balanced between us.

'…_What did you say?'_

I sighed.

'_I haven't answered yet.' _

'_What will you say?' _His voice was wary, worried, and almost accusing. It made be uncomfortable, and nervous.

'_I…haven't…decided yet.' _I concentrated on the glasses.

'…'

'_I wouldn't mind it…I think…but…' _I sighed again. I wonder if Cloud ever knew how much I had been thinking about it_ '…but I wouldn't have enough time to spend with the kids, between work and…everything else.'_

My voice sounded unconvincing, frail. The real reason is that Cloud and I had enough distance between us as it was without me adding another mile to it.

Does that make me selfish, I wonder?

He didn't reply, though the silence was asking for one. I was asking for one, an opinion, anything. So nervously, I prompted.

'…_What do you think?'_

'_It's your choice.'_

'_Would you mind? If I said yes?' _Still I pushed, disappointed. Did he not care at all?

'…'

More silence, and, crestfallen, I resigned myself to the fact that either Cloud indeed did not care, or that he did not want to voice his 'opinion' to me.

'…_Sorry…for asking some strange things…' _I said softly, turning my back on him to put away my sparkling glasses, polishing cloth gripped tightly in one fist. My eyes tingled, and I knew that I could quiet easily burst into tears then and there.

'…_Don't apologize. Do what you like.' _He said quietly, absentmindedly.

'…_I see…' _it was almost a whisper, and one tear did escape from my eye, but he was not looking, and he did not see it.

I felt like a shadow to him, nothing but an echo of the past.

* * *

Did I really do all I could? 

If I had tried a little harder, would he have stayed? 

Was it me? Was it me that drove him away? 

I guess…I guess I just want to know why. 

Cloud…why did you leave us?

* * *

**Authores notes: **Sorry for the wait! I've kinda been caught up with work and all... 

Anyway, these couple of chapters are quiet inverted on Tifas behalf, hope its not boring you all...I was trying to capture that sort of awkwardness that was between the two at the beginning of Advent Children. Any way hoped you liked it.

Thanks to everyone who reviewed!


	34. Recollection xxxiii

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing.

**Recollection xxxiii**

'_Cloud and Tifa aren't getting on very well.'_

'_I know…but…what can we do? They won't talk about it to us or to each other.'_

'_I don't know…' _I heard her sniff _'Denzel…what are we going to do?'_

I had to step away from the door then, guilt tearing at my already sore heart. They were suffering too, from this silence, and there was nothing I could do to shield them from it. If there was one thing I wanted in this world, it was to protect them.

And I failed.

There you go. Cloud wasn't, and isn't the only one with a cross to bear. Sometimes I think he is either stupid or selfish to think so.

But there you go.

* * *

It was night and I had closed the bar. Cloud was drinking, even though he rarely ever did. He drained his glass with a finality that made me hesitant to approach him. I went over anyway, and filled his glass.

'_Shall I join you?'_ There was something I had wanted to talk to him about. I had decided to take up Lucil's offer. I wanted the companionship, I wanted to remember what it was like to fight for something.

It would mean that Cloud would have to be home more, though, to help look after Marlene and Denzel.

'_I want to drink alone.' _He said.

I lost control. I hurt, so bad, wounded in my heart.

Rejection.

'_Then drink in your room.' _I snapped, before stalking out, to anywhere at all.

* * *

The months passed. I did not make my reply to Lucil. I wanted to hold onto my family, hold us together. When she came into the bar next, I shook my head and offered a small smile. Her sharp eyes narrowed and flickered towards Cloud, and on instinct I followed her gaze, before lowering it immediately. She was perceptive, and clever enough to know that Cloud had something, as indirect as it was, to do with my refusal.

The worst thing was that she was right.

But, for a little while it seemed better. Things weren't always so tense between Cloud and myself. Once or twice the kids actually made him smile.

I worked; I kept the house, the home. I changed. Metal capped combat boots became light sneakers. Worn, studded gloves were left off in favor of yellow washing-up gloves. I cut my hair. Looking back, it's almost frightening to see how easy I slipped into complacency. Days, then weeks, then months stretched out, and before I knew it, six months has passed since that battle on Midgar.

We went back to the memorial; the four of us alongside Nanaki, Cid and Shera, to place flowers there.

Marlene did the honours.

'_We're still here, in Radiant Garden. I…we still miss you all, Papa I think about you every day-' _She sniffed a little, and I placed a hand on her shoulder. She continued _'I'm goin' to school now, an' so is Denzel, and we're getting good at readin' though we're a little behind when we first arrived. I…I j-just wish you still here…and I…'_

That brave little girl had lowered her head, before stepping up to place the flowers down, as well as the card she had written, on that stone step.

Tearfully, she came back to my side, hooking a small hand onto my belt. I rubbed her back gently as Denzel quietly stepped forward and dropped his own flower next to Marlene's bouquet. He was grieving for his own family, his own loss.

When he came back, he stood to other side of Marlene, and their hands became clasped in some silent agreement.

We all stepped forward to bid our respects to the lost. Nanaki was last, and he spoke to us, facing the monument.

'_I have decided to go back to the Wild. There is no place here for me any more. I will depart when the next Soldier Squadron does so.'_

All was silent. I wanted to say something, to tell him that I understood. That I knew how this place, and the weight of its memories must wear him down. That I knew how hollow this peace-however bright and warm it seemed to be-felt in the face of all we had been through.

Cloud nodded, in agreement to what I do not know, beside me. There was a look in his eyes when he gazed at our friend that looked like envy, and it worried me. Cid sighed heavily and chewed on his cigarette in a weary yet unsurprised manner.

Nanaki sighed heavily in that beast way of his, and I saw his fur move across his ribcage as he did so. Finally, he raised his head to look back at us.

I opened my mouth, and the words just fell out.

'_Good hunting.' _

Even now I cannot think what possessed me to say those words, except that they were there on my tongue and they felt right. Marlene tugged my belt in an unconscious gesture of agreement. Cloud glanced my way, confused.

And Nanaki grinned. That ambiguous, canine grin that revealed his cutting teeth and pink gums.

'_Farewell.' _

And he left.

* * *

A little while after that, I went to visit the White Mage Guild, to see the place that Aerith had said so much about on those cold, hard nights on the road.

There were so many flowers, thats all I can think of now. I don't even remember what the building was like, what colour the stone was. Old oaks with hanging baskets slung on its limbs. Garden boxes full of greenery and colours. I was taken away by the sight.

I wandered through those gardens in a daze. Somehow I came upon a grove, hidden by a hedge wall, full of white and yellow lilies. My eyes began to itch.

Their scent hung softly in the air, and it seemed as if a voice was asking if I was all right.

It was her voice.

And, all of a sudden I couldn't help but start crying. Bawling my eyes out alone in that garden.

I remember I have told you that I never cried for her after she died. I had wanted to, but I didn't, couldn't. There was sadness, but also a raw anger and determination that dried up any tears I had to shed. Now it was the sadness and pain catching up to me, allowing me to let go.

I cried my heart out for her there.

'_I'm sorry, I'm really sorry.'_

The tears wouldn't stop. So I cried my heart out for Barret, and for Vincent. I cried for Marlene, who had lost her Papa, and Denzel, who had lost it all. For Red, who had lost his anchor, his reason, and for Cloud, who didn't know how to cope.

I think…it was the first time that I had let it all out, at once. It was good; to empty myself of that grief, to let it all out without reservations.

I think it was what made me cope.

After a while the heaving sobs and sniveling cries abated, and I was left with a strange, sort of tired peace.

I was on my knees in the grass; face red and shiny and I smiled, scrubbing my eyes as I did so. Somewhere, somehow, I felt a smile from her.

It was only after I had left there and started cooking dinner for the kids at the house did it occur to me that could be what Cloud had referred to as _'his place.'_

* * *

One night a light burned through the dark sky. A flaming missile of fire, that seared through the sky before crashing right into the middle of the city. The ground shuddered and the buildings shook, and for a moment, I was afraid.

Marlene came running to our room, with a more hesitant Denzel following behind.

I never saw it, but people said that it was not a comet of rock, but rather, a space ship from another world. They said that some kind of creature emerged from the surprisingly undamaged ship, and to the surprise of all, spoke in our tongue.

_'Hi there, folks, how y'all doing?'_

They had said that the newcomer was very short, and oddly shaped as well, but that it-he had seemed peaceful. He had been taken up to meet Ansem the Wise, and very little else was heard about him.

Only Cid had no reserves about the newcomer.

'_It can be done! Gods be damned I was right all along! It _is _possible!'_

Whooping to the air he had seized Shera by the waist and swung her around. The phrase 'over the moon' seemed appropriate.

'_All hush hush, of course, but Ansem's gonna let the little guy help me out with my design plans. Just think! We'll be visitin' them other worlds before the months out!'_

Not entirely true, but I believe that that little visitor may have saved Cid and Shera's lives.

At least, that's what I am hoping for. Praying for.

Because I don't really know.

* * *

'_Something's wrong, Cloud.'_

It was true; since Nanaki's departure, and the outworlder's arrival, he had become silent in a cold, distant way that excluded even the kids. He pushed us away, he barely glanced at us, and I didn't understand what had happened to cause this change in him. I thought he was getting better, for a while he was.

Oh god, it hurt so much, to be dismissed so.

'_I'm fine.' _

And he would shrug off my concern, my worry, and retreat to his study, or to his place.

I would sit, at my own, closed bar, in silence and with clenched fists.

What made him change? I don't know, I still don't. Not really.

* * *

I brought my knees up to my chest and shivered in the night air.

I was on the roof, star gazing.

This was not a regular habit, but at that moment, I could not stand to be in the bar with all the nervous glances and heavy silences.

Marlene and Denzel had both been up here with me, before. Arms wrapped around my neck, she whispered _'Don't worry, it will be ok' _into my ear, and Denzel gave my hand a gentle squeeze.

My love for them had swelled in my chest, for their concern made me real, and their small, sad smiles reminded me that I was not alone.

Ruffling a hand through Denzel's hair, I kissed his, and then Marlene's forehead.

'_I know,' _I whispered back to them _'I love you two, we'll be ok.'_

Marlene hugged me again, and I squeezed her shoulders. Denzel's quiet gaze caught my own and he nodded, and some unspoken agreement or understanding passed between us.

We had to be strong for each other. We had to be strong for Cloud.

I smiled.

_'Off to bed now, or you'll never get up for school tomorrow.'_

And grumbling, they both left, and I blew them kisses as they climbed back through my window.

I could not help but smile at their worry and care, and for a moment, my problems with Cloud faded. The stars glittered above me and I marveled at their beauty and their peace. They were so far away, but they were always there.

An hour later, maybe more, and I myself climbed back through the window. Back to reality. I had thought that Cloud was still downstairs, for there was no light on as I clambered over the windowsill to land softly on the floor.

As I stood, straightening my clothes, I caught sight of a figure seated on Cloud's bed, and it was a moment before I realized that it was Cloud himself.

'_I can_'_t…' _and I was surprised at the sound of his quiet voice, floating out from the darkness _'I can't forget about them…'_

My mouth twisted itself into a small smile.

_'I know…I-'_

'_No, it's not…' _he broke off, struggling for the right words _'its not…the same.'_

I frowned at his words, trying to understand what he was trying to tell me.

'_You…can't retrieve the lives that have been lost…'_ I nodded silently. He continued _'I know that…but…I…I want to…'_

'_What do you mean?' _I asked quietly, as I moved forward to sit on my own bed.

'_I can't let them go…I still want to save them, somehow, I don't know.' _He ran a hand through his mess of blond spikes and sighed heavily _'I think…I think I want to be forgiven.'_

And he looked up, and even in the dark I could feel his piercing gaze meet my own.

'_For something you had no control over?' _There was no anger in my voice, for I did not feel it. Pity, I think, was there. Pity for the man who blamed himself, and who couldn't let go.

He shook his head at my answer.

'_For something I didn't have the power the to prevent.'_

'_Cloud…'_

He shook his head again. I persisted.

'_Cloud, whether or not you were to blame or not, you can't change it. You're here, now, and no amount of guilt will bring them back…'_

'_I know…'_

_'Do you?'_

He didn't answer. He was looking down at his hands, and I had hoped that he was thinking my words over.

'_Just…we're here too, you know. Whoever you did or did not save, you saved us. You saved me, Marlene…and Denzel, so…doesn't that count too?'_

Say it counts, I had thought, say it matters too.

'…_I…' _he swallowed slowly _'…you're right…'_

'_Huh?'_

'_I guess…I just keep…looking for them…Zack…Aerith…' _he swallowed again _'I don't want to lose sight of them…their sacrifice…'_

'_Cloud…'_

But he wasn't speaking to me, at least not directly, and I was afraid to shatter that moment. That revelation, which was so different to the silence we had endured.

'_When I found Denzel in her garden, it…was almost as if she had led him there, to me…like a sign that she was still out there somewhere. Watching over me.'_

Cloud looked up at me, to see my reaction. Did he want approval? Or was he expecting me to chide him for such flights of fancy? So I said nothing. I couldn't, the emotions were rolling around inside me, I was trying to understand them.

I blinked back suddenly moist eyes.

'_You don't think that, do you?' _and he sounded disappointed, unsurprised, and achingly defeated.

I swallowed and licked my dry lips.

'_Well…'_

He dropped his gaze again, embarrassed.

'_Yeah…just a whimsy, stupid really-'_

I cut through his excuse.

'_She brought Denzel to us, Cloud.' _

And again his gaze met mine, and I smiled at him to show him I meant it. There was a glimmer of light in his eyes that made my heart leap. Tentatively, I reached out and touched his hand.

'_We'll look for them together, right?'_

Look for them, their peace, their light, their forgiveness together. Look for it within our own hearts. That's what I meant. Together, we could help each other together.

Cloud finally smiled. It made me so happy, so relieved, so sad. It made a tumbling wave of emotions churn around inside in a way that I can not quiet describe. It made my heart swell, almost to bursting point. That smile said _thank you_, it said _ok_, and _I understand_.

It had that kindness to it that made me believe-no-made me know that everything was going to be all right.

* * *

Days after having that conversation Cloud left.

In the days that followed I often wondered to myself if that smile had just been an illusion. Something my tired mind conjured up to make me feel better.

I know that it wasn't, but then why?

After kissing the sleeping children on the face, I went into Cloud's office, smelling the musty scent that clung to that room. Brushing away the dust on the family photo we took, I traced the outline of the frame with my fingers. The glass was cold.

He wasn't smiling in that photo.

Silent tears streamed down my face.

He was gone.

* * *

**Authors note: **Ah, there you go, he's gone.

I had real trouble with that last bit, and trying to make it 'fit' both characters, like they both reached an understanding(which Cloud broke), but still be inconclusive, if that makes sense...

Ah well, once again, used lots of bits from 'On the Way to a Smile.'


	35. Recollection xxxiv

**Recollection xxxvii**

I was strong for them. I did not break. I carried on.

As they wept I held them close and kissed their foreheads. When they shouted, angry, confused, I swallowed their fury and tried to help them understand something that I myself struggled to accept.

Denzel came down one morning with blood on his fists, and darkly muttered _'…punched the wall…' _and without a word, gently, I cleaned and bound his fists.

Marlene drew more pictures, scrunching each one up in frustration as she finished it. When she stomped up to her room, I would go to the bin and pick them up, smoothing them out and fingering the corners as I placed them in a file I found in his office.

_'Why did he leave?'_

I didn't know. All kinds of problems had cropped up between us. I could never answer for sure. 

And it hurt to remember that smile on Cloud's face when I last saw him.

I still cleaned out his office, dusted it, kept it neat. I answered the delivery requests with polite words informing customers that he '_was no longer here'_. I ignored the raised eyebrows and sidelong glances of bar customers, as determinedly I served their drinks with a smile.

Gods, how was I to know that even then I was happy?

Back then I still had them to hold, to love; to laugh with. Back then they were there beside me, in the flesh, and they lived in and they breathed the same air I did.

Back then, when they were still-

…

Cid invited himself and Shera to dinner, to distract us, to comfort us. I was so glad for the company, glad for something to do, focus on. I cooked up a real storm, and they gushed over it and I was pleased and embarrassed by their praise.

'_Shit, Tifa that looks amazing!'_

'_Cid! Language!' _and at his wife's reprimand, sheepishly he would glance at the kids, and they smiled.

Marlene had dragged Shera upstairs to show her the latest school project. Rolling his eyes, Denzel followed, as I started with the washing up.

'_Tifa, please, there's something I…I wanna say.'_

'_Hm?' _And looking up I saw him wring his hands, as if they were missing a cigarette.

'_About Spike…' _I glanced up sharply _'Look, I'm sorry.'_

'_You don't have to apologize, Cid.' _I said quietly, focusing on the dishes.

'_Nah, girl, I feel I owe ya an explanation…' _He shifted his weight, flexing his fingers. I threw him a dishcloth.

'_Here, do something with your hands, help dry up, will you?'_

Taking a deep breath, he stepped next to me and to my surprise, started drying them deftly and thoroughly. He noticed my look, and grinned, nerves forgotten for the moment and winked.

'_Shera's got me damn well trained.'_

I giggled.

'_But…Spike, Cloud…whatever…' _The easy, relaxed manner was gone, We both focused on the soapy dishes and our hands, but his gruff voice was strained and worried. _'He came…he came asking questions, you know, an'…an' I didn't think much of it at the time, being the stupid shit that I am, but now he's…now he'…well…you know…' _

He paused for a moment, and I waited.

_'It was just after Red left, yeah? He came round one afternoon, for a cuppa, and we talked. He…he was askin' stuff about World's, and about how the Heartless and that outworlder, Mickey, travel through 'em an' stuff.'_ Cid sucked in a deep breath _'He asked me if someone could travel through them too, with or without airships, and how hard would it be to do.'_

I stiffened momentarily, before tentatively asking him what he expected me to ask.

'_What did you say?'_

_'The truth…damn…I needa smoke…'_ I said nothing and he cursed softly.

_'Truth is, technology for traveling to other worlds is only jus' starting to come together now, 's developing fair enough, but the Mages, they have this theory on how the damn Heartless do it.' _I handed him the last dish to dry, before reaching through the dirty water to pull the plug. We listened to the water gurgle before he continued.

_'They reckon that it's the Darkness that lets them through, that it somehow connects all them worlds, pulling them through…and…and…'_

'_You told Cloud this.'_ My heart sank, and I found myself choking down unexpected tears.

_'Yeah…'_ He cursed again, throwing the dish cloth down in frustration '_Shit, damnit, I'm kicken' myself now Teef, I wish I hadn't-'_

'_Don't worry._' I said quietly.

_'Huh?'_

_'He…he would of found a way out regardless…He wants to find them…'_

It was true, I realized, he left to find them, Zack and Aerith, the ones he failed. Maybe he really believed that they were out there to find, I don't know, but he was searching for them in any case.

Cid said nothing, and we were interrupted by the entrance of the kids and Shera. Smiling a little, I patted his shoulder, before moving to put the plates away.

_'Don't worry about it._'

Gods, I tried so hard to do the right thing.

* * *

I felt awkward and out of place at the stone barracks of the Home Guard. It all seemed so formal, not imperialistic, but so intense. Serious.

People, mostly women, walked with intent either in or out of the double wooden doors that marked the buildings entrance. I stood alone in the front courtyard, staring at the entrance whilst around me some trained and sparred.

I remembered what Lucil had said when she invited me to join.

There were Heartless about, and a cold, quiet Darkness was slowly creeping into Radiant Garden.

It chilled me, made me afraid, ad I remembered why it was I was here.

_'Tifa!'_

I turned at the sound of my name, to see the good-natured Clasko waving at me. I smiled, somewhat relieved to see a familiar face.

_'Hello.'_

'_Hey, you're here. Does that mean you've decided to join?' _His eyes showed a glimmer of hope. He had a sweet smile, Clasko did.

Cloud was gone, but I was still here. Something…something in me had realized the finality of this, that he wasn't coming back. There were Heartless on the prowl, far away sure, but they would come. Of course they would, drawn by our hearts, ripe for the taking. I had two children, whom I loved, and a place that I called home. Cloud wasn't going to appear if things should turn for the worst.

It was up to me. I would have to be strong enough. For them, to protect them.

I gave out a small smile.

_'Yes.'_

* * *

Lucil had been pleased to see me, though all she did was smile-almost smugly-and nod in acknowledgement.

_'Indeed, this is a pleasant surprise, Tifa.'_

She showed me the Home Guard Headquarters, the mess hall, the living quarters for those on duty, the armory, the infirmary and the three training yards.

We stood in the largest, and Lucil told me that that she was glad I was there.

_'We welcome every recruit, but Tifa, many are young and untrained, and it takes time to train a body into usefulness._' Her gray-blue eyes glittered as she watched some train in the yard, and I understood what she meant _'Thus, to have one such as you join us will surely…encourage…some of the more disheartened recruits.'_

I was surprised, to say the least. The only time this woman had ever seen me was behind the bar.

_'Lucil…you…can't know that…you haven't even see me fight.'_

She turned her face towards me and I could see the amusement in her eyes. They flickered behind me, just as the hair on the back of my neck prickled, and I turned slowly to see the person behind me.

_'Miss Lockhart, let me introduce you to Quistus Trepe of Balamb, she is one of the Home Guards top Instructors_.'

The woman before me stood tall and straight, eyes and face as calm and impassive as Lucil's own. Her blond hair framed her face, a perfect contrast to Clouds spiky locks.

Which sent a soft pang through my heart, but I did not let it dwell there.

Among her smart, orange attire, I had noticed what looked like a coiled chain whip slung comfortably on her belt.

'_Tifa, seeing as you're here, I was wondering if you would like to demonstrate your fighting ability against the Instructor here?'_

_'Huh?'_

Instructor Trepe raised an eyebrow.

'_Tifa Lockhart? Of Midgar?'_ Her voice was crisp and sharp, though softly spoken. 

I nodded, keeping my face still. I didn't like the way her mouth tightened as she looked at me. She surely had heard the tales, seen the unnecessary commotion made by Ansem the Wise and she was a skeptic.

Which I admired, truly I had, but I did not like the way she had looked at me, like I was over blown and over-rated. Maybe it was my pride that was so offended. She had already judged me, and found me lacking.

_'Very well.'_

She widened her stance, one hand forward, whilst the other deftly removed the whip from its holster on her hip.

It was a struggle not to raise my own eyebrows at her choice of weapon, I had never before seen the whip used as a primary weapon, so perhaps you can excuse me for being a little dubious.

My glance flickered at Lucil, who stood passively to the side. She nodded slightly.

_A test,_ I had thought, and I brought out the pair of black leather fighting gloves from under my own belt. Slowly, carefully, I donned them, wriggling my fingers as they fit snugly into the supple leather.

Fists raised, I met her gaze.

She flicked her wrist and the whip chain flashed in a silver circle around her head before darting forward. On instinct I dropped and rolled, ignoring the bite that stung my cheek, and the trickle of blood that crept down it.

I darted left, keeping my head down to avoid the lightning fast whip.

Again it struck, aiming before me and I dug my feet into the ground to avoid the blow. Again, it struck out again and I hit the floor and rolled as it bit into the dirt behind me. On my feet again I ran, swerving diagonally as I strove to close the distance between us, never taking my eyes off her.

_Crack._

_Crack._

_Crack._

_If I could get close, _I had thought,_ I could attack her._

Silver flash and I leapt, planting one hand on the ground and cart wheeling to avoid it. It struck again as my feet hit the ground and I spun in the air again with a round off, still moving even as my body became vertical again.

_Crack._

Even as I darted to the side again, I saw a frown mar her otherwise still features. Sweeping her right arm up, she twirled the silver chain once, twice around her head in wide silver circles. In that instance I sprinted forwards, pushing my body hard to reach her in time.

Close, closer.

The silver arc of the whip came round a third time, and using my momentum to guide me, I dropped to the ground, sweeping my leg out as I slid through to knock her off her feet.

The silver flash jerked back, and she jumped away, surprised at my speed.

I swung my legs around and underneath me, coming smoothly into a crouch. Trepe withdrew the chain, letting it coil in her left hand and pulling it tight.

A split second we stared, before I launched myself up and off the ground, flying down at her with my fist clenched and raised.

She deftly brought up the handle of her whip to block the punch, which I followed through with another and another, bearing down on her as she struggled to match my speed.

Close combat is a different story for Quistus Trepe.

Granted, she fared well, matching each punch that I delivered, but she was struggling. Now on the defensive, I had been systematically driving her back. Pulling back a fist in recoil, I shot my left leg forward as a front kick, and, automatic, she moved to block it. A split second and I had pivoted and turned to instead deliver a sidekick to her head.

Startled, arms raised to block it; she stumbled to the side as I let my whole body follow the movement through. Planting my left foot down, I spun and turned and struck out with my right.

My foot slammed into her stomach. Winded, she stumbled back, curled over. I moved to attack her, finish her off, when, in a blur, she leapt up and the butt of her whip handle snaked up and under my guard to strike my face. Jerking back my head, it glanced off the corner of my mouth and I cursed myself for underestimating her.

I was given no reprieve and the whip curled through the air again, biting the air next to my face as I slid out the way, running forward again. Jumping up, I raised my right leg up high mid air, spinning in a clockwise crescent and aiming again for her face.

Chain whip-

_Crack-whumpwhumpwhump._

-and it snaked tightly around my leg as she wrenched her weapon to the side. Caught and pulled off balance, I tumbled to the ground. Instantly the chain released my leg. Landing in a crouch, the air whistled and I snapped up a forearm to have the blade sear through my skin and draw blood.

That would have been my eye.

_Crack._

And it bit again, except this time I jabbed my arm forward on impact and let the chain wrap itself tightly around the limb, before grabbing it with my gloved hand and pulling _hard._

She did not let go, but matched the pull a moment, before surprising me by relenting and running forward, aiming a punch at my face. With my free arm I intercepted the blow, maneuvering her arm easily out the way so that I could thrust my open palm into her nose.

There was a sickening crunch and she keeled back, grip still on the whip, and I was impressed. Especially when she changed the grip on the whip handle to strike my temple with the end.

I staggered back a step, dazed, and we both glowered at each other, before raising out respective weapons, fists and whip, to meet again head on.

_Crack. Punch-punch, Slide. Whip-Crack. Thwak._

White fire in my blood as my chi crackled with enthusiasm as we hit, parried and attacked. I was excited, challenged, and alive. There was nothing else in existence but the fight.

We drew back, both bloody and smarting, before preparing to meet again-

_Clap. Clap. Clap._

We both stiffened.

Blood was pouring out of her nose and onto her vest, and there were an impressive array of bruises lining her left eye and cheek. The wounds on my arm and face stung like fire. I realized my lip was split and bleeding. Both our clothes were dusty, bloody and torn.

Both of our gazes flickered to the flame haired Captain, who applauded us. It seemed that whilst we fought, we had acquired an audience of sorts. Behind Lucil where a dozen or so teenaged boys and girls. Our gazes flicked towards each other again, and, simultaneously we both relaxed our stances.

Smiling like a cat, Lucil stepped towards us.

'_Well,' _she said '_I think that was a fair enough demonstration of your fighting ability, don't you Instructor Quistus?'_

* * *

I could not have done anything better then to join the Home Guard. People there knew, they understood what it meant to fight for something. Many of the new recruits were the ragged survivors from Junon. They knew what loss was, and they all wanted, no, needed some goal to dedicate their torn lives to.

Quistus Trepe, the woman whom I had battled, understood this too. I could see it in her chilly, blue eyes. She was a survivor, she was, and I recognized that.

A pang of guilt stabbed my heart as I watched the kids expressions change from joy of seeing me waiting to take them home from school, to fear, horror and worry as they saw my wounds.

_'Tifa!'_

'_Who did this to you?' _scowled Denzel, and he unconsciously had cracked his knuckles.

Leaning down to their level, I smiled cheerily, for some reason that fight with Quistus Trepe had made me feel alive again.

---

'_A pleasure meeting you, Tifa Lockhart.' _She had said as she stretched out a hand to shake my own as we sat in the Infirmary. A small smile quirked the corners of her mouth, and I accepted the gesture.

_'And you.'_

'_Hn.' _She said, almost smug _'Next time…no holding back.'_

And she turned on her heel and walked away.

---

'_Don't you worry, it's nothing serious.'_

'_Are you sure?' _a worried frown on her face, Marlene had reached up to touch the scab on my lip, before softly brushing the bandage on my temple _'What happened?'_

I grinned again, touched by their worry, and I grasped their hands and led them off the school grounds.

'_I was training, like a practice fight, yeah?' _Denzel's scowl lessened a little, but something that looked like protective disapproval remained. It made me want to giggle. Marlene's eyes widened, her mouth the perfect 'o' as she nodded, understanding.

_'Right. Like in Junon, with Papa and Vince and Red and…_' 

She fell short of saying Cloud's name, and I squeezed her hand.

_'Yeah, like then, Marlene, except this time it's not as serious.'_

She clung to my arm with both hands, mumbling softly.

'_Ok, jus' be careful, Tifa, please…'_

Denzel nodded too, and I hugged both their shoulders as we went on our way.

_'I will, promise. Now, tell me about school…_'

* * *

I walked the last, slightly less then sober, customer out of the bar, before returning inside to clean up in the galley. The room was dimly lit, the flames on the kerosene lamps burning low, but I had been used to it by then.

It was sometimes so quiet in that place, when everyone had left and gone, with no one else was there beside myself. Days, and nights, seemed to stretch out longer then ever, and I was plagued often by a feeling of constant restlessness and worry.

Agitated, though at the time, I could never say why.

Four mornings a week, after delivering the kids safely to school, I would walk to the Home Guard Barracks and train. Sometimes it was alone, sometimes it was against others. Sometimes it was regimented drills, outlining the key defense points of the city. Sometimes I was even the teacher, which scared me, in a way. I struggled to relay the very words that Zagane-sensei had told me what seemed so long ago. Words and lessons that had saved my life so many times, never before had I realized the weight of responsibility that a teacher carries.

But it was good, I think, in a way.

Even if it made my work at the bar seem all the more tedious.

Serving customers occupies the mind and body in a way not so different to that of a fight.

Cleaning up, however, is a long and monotonous task that leaves the mind free to wander down dangerous roads of thought. Painful ones, too.

Sighing, I began the old, familiar routine. The water had gotten cold and all that dirty tableware wasn't leaving in a hurry. Briefly I had considered refilling the kerosene for the lamps for a change in atmosphere, but times were tough, and I could work in the semi-dark.

Still, those quiet nights haunted me. Before I had waited for Cloud to return. Now it was just empty silence, one that would not be broken by his long awaited arrival.

See what I mean about a dangerous road of thoughts? They plagued me so much back then.

In a bout of sweeping paranoia, I had wondered if I was only one in the house. I couldn't stand the thought as it crossed my mind, and I called out.

'_Marlene!'_

Soft footsteps sounded from above as they made their way down the creaking staircase. Marlene appeared in the doorway, and I had sighed inwardly in relief.

'_Ssssh.'_ she frowned, putting a finger to her lips.

'_Sorry.' _I mumbled to the child, feeling silly at my previous worries. Of course I was not alone, I had known that. I was just…scared, I think.

_'Denzel finally fell asleep.'_ She explained. He had come down with a fever, a bad one, because last night he had walked away into the rain. It had taken hours to find him, and there had been real panic and fear in my heart that he was lost to me too.

He never mentioned why he walked out into that rain, but I had guessed. Suspected.

As a result, he was bedridden and sick.

_'Was he hurting?' _

_'A little.'_

_'You could have called me.'_

_'It was ok, besides, you were working.'_

I frowned; they were perceptive, the kids were. They picked up so many things that I had thought they would miss. Wise beyond their years, but then I already knew how loss does that to you. Marlene and Denzel were no exception.

I blamed myself for letting the children worry about me.

_'What's wrong?'_

There she was again, seeing right through me. Little Marlene with her large, gray eyes and soft, brown hair. I sighed softly, tired, trying to smile.

'_Hm? Oh, nothing…' _I said vaguely, not looking at her face, wanting to change the subject.

She was not fooled, no, not Barret's girl. She looked around the big, empty room and back to me again, where I stood, alone.

'_Did you feel lonely?_' The little girl saw through everything. '_I'm not going anywhere.'_

Embarrassed, I smiled, for I had known that. Absentmindedly, I tucked my hair behind my ear.

'_Thanks…Marlene…'_

She came up and hugged me, my sweet little girl. Arms tight around my waist, she gave a little squeeze before looking up at me.

_'We'll be ok, Tifa.'_

* * *

I would like to say many things.

I would like to say that I never blamed Cloud for leaving, for a little part of me always did.

I would like to say that was able to move on without him, but I didn't. I merely endured, taking each day as it came.

I would like to say that the dreams didn't come back, but they did.

I would like to think that I could have coped on my own, but gods knows what I'd be if it weren't for the kids.

I would like to say that I didn't put my hurt, my pain into the fierce sparring matches I had, but I did, and some were brutal and bloody.

I would like to say that Cloud came back, of his own accord, but he didn't.

I would like to say that I knew for sure that the rough kiss planted on my forehead the night he left was for real, but I don't know if his faint farewell was apart of my restless sleep or not.

All I can say was that we missed him. All three of us, we missed him.

* * *

**Authors note: **Hello to all! 

I'm still trying to figure out the differences between gummi ship travel, nobody trave and Heartless travel, so I've kept it kind of vague here. If anyone has any ideas/theories about the whole thing, I would like to hear then, just so I can consolidate my own.

Why does Tifa fight Quistus? Because I really wanted to write a fight scene, and one between these two characters would be absolutely awesome to watch as a FMV. Not much chance of one being developed though...Hoped you all liked it, it was such a damn challange trying to think how Quistus would fight with a whip, I think the chain has various lengths, but hey, its all good.

That last bit is a little emotional, I know, but I wanted to put it in somewhere. Hope you liked it!


	36. Recollection xxxv

**Recollection xxxviii**

'_Tifa! Oh my Gods, it's _you!'

'_Huh?'_

Thus, I learned that Yuffie Kisaragi, great ninja of Wutai, was also a member of the Home Guard.

'…_that is pretty cool, you know. I heard that that Trepe is tough. She won't fight me though…' _The girl pouted like a spoiled child, and I could feel myself beginning to smile _'Say's I'm too young and inexperienced, psh!'_

She scowled, and I chuckled. Her face changed and she grinned widely, looping her arm through mine in exactly the same way Aerith used to. I almost stiffened, before relaxing in the familiarity of the hold.

Sure, she was not Aerith, and neither was I. Neither of us could substitute her either. Sure, I had been a bit startled with the sudden and brash way that Yuffie had befriended me, but I had not really minded that much.

Maybe we both needed a friend.

Besides, that was just the way she was. Loud and enthusiastic.

'_C'mon, let me show ya round the place.' _She said, ignoring me when I said that that I had been there several weeks, and that Lucil had done so already.

'_Hey, maybe we can spar some day, most of them round here can't really compare to Wutai's finest, yours truly. Oh! And this is the cafeteria.' _Still talking, she dragged me through the Mess Hall.

It puzzled me at first, why she had so determinedly latched onto me after our awkward first meeting. Despite my invitation, Yuffie had not returned to the bar a second time. She was young, yes, but she had seen the same horrors that I had, and in a way I was curious about the way she literally emitted cheerfulness out from every aspect of her personality.

Most of it was not an act, I think. She was one of those people naturally beholden to the light. Maybe her happiness was her way of coping.

Tugging on my arm, she had introduced me to a blond, spiky haired martial artist by the name of Zell.

'_You two should totally fight it out some day, see who's the strongest. That's a fight I would pay to see.'_

But the blond spikes had closed my throat, and I could only manage a strained smile and tight nod. Silly really I know, but I guess that even then I was still reeling in the aftershock.

This man was not him. Zell was shorter, more outlandish, his eyes glimmered more and his face more animated.

I wanted to see Cloud again. I wanted everything to be all right.

Ah, I keep coming back to him, don't I?

I can't help it, not really, not now.

* * *

What can I say? Days, weeks, months passed.

Marlene and Denzel grew so fast I was always lowering the hems of their clothes. They had appetites of healthy children and slowly, tentatively, we began to smile more. We became closer, as a family, I think. We helped each other along.

I worked at the bar, which slowly gained a surprising popularity. I found more and more faces there each night, and more and more of them I recognized from the Home Guard.

Cid was ever busy on his air ships into space. The Outworlder, long gone by then, had introduced some kind of special material known as 'Gummi Blocks' that could be harvested and used for outer world travel. He did explain his theories to the kids and I, but we rarely understood all of what he was saying. Shera would tut softly and tell him to stop boring us with work.

We heard no news from Nanaki, except that he had slipped passed the Soldier barriers and was now searching for his own kind in the Wild.

Still, Soldiers were sent out, and fewer returned on leave. They were troubled men, and they drank to block out the darkness that haunted their eyes. They said nothing about the situation, indeed, nothing at all was mentioned. Nonetheless, a chill would creep down my back every time one of those men came in and asked for something hard.

People went missing.

The sun still shone, as ever, but slowly, a whisper of missing children made itself known. Of men and women snatched in dark of night, never seen again. Stories grew, and were heard more frequently, more heard of then unheard of.

'_It's not good, Tifa, my cousin, his little one got snatched, just like that. Disappeared into thin air.' _The dark skinned man Kiros downed the rest of his drink, whilst his larger, mute friend Ward looked studied his glass _'Only a little boy, he was, what, seven?'_

It frightened me, it really did. I became on the watch again, wary and alert.

I was afraid that this peace wouldn't last.

I was afraid for my family.

* * *

The boy balled his fist and punched again.

'_Good, better…' _I said, catching the punch easily _'Remember to concentrate on the point of contact, but without forgetting the rest of your body either.' _

He nodded, a stubborn frown on his face, as he raised his fists again. His name was Liam, fifteen years old, a red head, and a resident of Radiant Garden. I think his father was a Soldier, but I can't be sure.

Again, he tackled the series of punches I had taught him as I blocked and countered each one. He had potential, that's for sure, and determination.

'_Har!'_

He threw another punch. I deflected the blow with one hand and, deviating from the set routine we were practicing, brought up the other in a strike aimed for his throat.

Eyes wide, he swerved to the side to dodge the punch. Ducking under my next one, he shot out a sidekick aimed at my knees.

I leapt lightly out of the way, nodding in approval.

'_Good. You responded well. Always expect the unexpected. Always.'_

Liam nodded, and I smiled at him.

A bell rang.

'_Ok, that's it for today then, keep at it.' _I said.

Giving a slight half smile, he bowed.

'_Thanks Miss.' _Liam turned and jogged to catch up with some other young recruits. They slapped him on the back as they walked away.

'_You're a good teacher.' _Said a voice behind me, and I turned to see Zell leaning casually against the wall, arms crossed.

I nodded in greeting, a little hesitant. We hadn't really talked since Yuffie's brash introduction.

'_I just try to do it the way I was taught, I guess.'_

Not entirely true. There was a lot more harshness and desperation and sorrow to Zagane-sensei's teaching then my own.

'_Fair enough.' _He shrugged, pushing himself off the wall to join me as I walked back to the senior locker rooms _'Myself, I'm rubbish at it. Every time I try to teach them something, those kids shove it right back into my face. No respect!'_

'_Maybe…you're not going about it…the right way.' _I offered, unsure of what I should say. My eyes had kept on getting caught on his black face tattoo. It was so strange.

He saw me looking and grinned.

'_Pretty cool, hey?' _and he winked. I blushed.

'_Uh…' _It was very showy _'it certainly…stands out…'_

'_Yeah! You'd never forget my face, eh?' _Zell seemed pleased, pushing out his arms to emphasize his point _'They'll know me all over the Land for my distinct looks and deadly skill!' _

And, despite myself, I found myself chuckling.

He looked up, a wounded expression on his face. I bit my lip hard and looked pointedly away and he burst out laughing too.

'_Hey, maybe some day.'_

Maybe.

A pause passed between us.

'_So…why are you here?' _he raised an eyebrow at my question, and I looked away, a little embarrassed _'Why not apart of Soldier?'_

'_Huh?'_

'_Isn't it every little boys dream?' _I said almost bitterly _'You seem strong enough.'_

'_Nah, I'm not interested in that stuffy regimented stuff.' _He shrugged and stretched out his fingers _'Plus, my style doesn't suit them.'_

_'…I see.'_

'_What about you, how'd you learn your moves?'_

I had been startled by the question, for some reason. It seemed strange; Zagane had always been the voice in my head with the wise words. A memory of strength and resolve. I hadn't spoken about him out loud to someone else for so long.

'_Ah…my…sensei, Zagane…he saved me, taught me everything I know.'_

'_Cool.' _He said, nodding _'So…how about a match?'_

I stared openly at him for a moment, thinking. I had never fought against a fellow fist fighter before. The idea was…intriguing, to say the least.

But…

'_Uh…'_

I looked to the sky. There was still so much I was uncertain of. I was so tired. Suddenly, all I wanted was home, with the kids and hot chocolate.

The clouds above were gray. The missing people crossed my mind.

'_No thanks…I…I've got to go.'_

I walked away.

I had to pick up Marlene and Denzel from school. I would never let them walk home alone, not at that time.

'_Maybe another day.' _I said over my shoulder, and out the corner of my eye, I saw his face light up.

So different, so different to Cloud, but then, that wasn't a bad thing. I probably would have avoided him if he had been similar.

And that match, when it came, was a fight to remember.

* * *

'_Your man, the one with the delivery service, he left you, didn't he?'_

I froze.

Then I realized that the drink I was pouring was over flowing. Frowning, I dumped the glass in the sink and grabbed another to start again.

Quistus Trepe watched me from where she sat at the bar, drink in hand and face expressionless. The bar wasn't too busy on that night, but at that moment I had desperately wished that it had been. I served the beer to one of the Nero brothers-I forget which one, before turning to the till.

'_What makes you say that?_' I answered vaguely, punching in the numbers and getting out the change. I was wary, even threatened. 

Quistus delicately sipped her drink.

'_Captain Lucil. She mentioned something about it.' _

'_Oh.'_

I didn't know how to feel about that, about other people taking interest in my private life. Normality, I still wasn't used to it entirely.

'_Is that why you joined the Home Guard_?' 

'_I joined so that I could protect my family.' _I answered shortly, turning to the next customer and forcing the smile onto my face.

When I was done, she was waiting there still, watching me, analyzing. I waited for the next order, but it seemed that there was a sudden lull in business.

Scowling, I started tidying up the mess I had made with the drink.

'_What does it matter to you, anyway?' _I asked, not looking at her.

The woman shrugged noncommittally.

'_Quistus!'_

We both turned to look at the newcomer.

I had seen her before, a couple of times. She was the one the man with the scar on his face had mistaken me for ages back. The one with straight, dark hair and the cotton blue cape. Rinoa. They came together, every so often.

She smiled briefly at me, turning her attention to Quistus.

'I_t's been ages, hasn't it?'_ After the initial surprise, Quistus's calm persona was back in place. She smiled, though, at the newcomer, and her face was kinder for it. 

'_Rinoa. You look well.'_

'_And you, I keep meaning to come to the Guard, but they never seem to assign me there.' _The woman slipped onto the stool next to the Instructor, and I was at once both relieved and disappointed by the distraction. I returned to cleaning up and Rinoa continues_ 'So how've you been, Quisty?'_

Rinoa leaned forward and took the blond woman's hand.

'_Well enough. And you?' _She wasn't cold, just reserved.

'_Oh…you know…the usual.' _

I watched her, Rinoa, out of the corner of my eye. I guess I was curious, to be mistaken for her. I looked for the resemblance.

'_No Squall tonight?' _Quistus asked, tone almost light hearted _'I thought that he was your shadow, hn?'_

'_No…' _The woman lowered her face, blushing _'he's sorting out something with the Guild, he said he'd meet me here, but he's late!' _

'_I'm sure he'll turn up soon.' _Quistus says, reassuringly, and I glanced up to catch her expression. With its small smile, it was almost benevolent. Sisterly.

I was almost envious.

'_Rinoa, this is Tifa Lockhart, the fighter from Midgar.'_

Startled, we both looked up at each other.

Certainly there was some similarity. Her hair was dark and straight and long, framing our faces the same way. Maybe our mouths were alike too, the small smile that seemed to hide a secret. Her lashes were thicker and longer, though, her cheeks a little rounder.

Surface things, I know, but it made me wonder.

'Rinoa Heartlily at your service!' She smiled cheerfully and extended out a hand. 

'_She's a white mage of the higher class, some even call her Sorceress.' _Added Quistus.

I wondered how different from each other we really were.

* * *

'_You still feel lonely even with us here, don't you?'_

Surprised, I looked at the eight year old from where I was polishing the counter top. He paused from where he had been sweeping the bar floor for me.

Denzel regarded me solemnly. Gods I wanted him to smile, just like any other kid. This loneliness ate at us all.

'…_I'm sorry.' _I whispered, for it was true.

'_It's ok. We're the same.' _Denzel confided, and I smiled sadly at him.

'_I understand.'_

He nodded at me, gripping the broom and starting up again.

'_I wonder where Cloud is.' _He said softly, and I wondered if he had even meant to say it out loud.

Biting my lower lip, I turned my gaze to the counter, concentrating on the worn wood.

* * *

'_Hey.'_

Everything was so unclear, still in the hazy fog of sleep. I struggled through the light, trying to make sense of it, to find that gentle voice behind it.

'_Uh…' _In a daze, I peered at the fuzzy figure before me. A face swam through, green eyes and a rosy smile '_Aerith!'_

'_That's me.' _Her features sharpened, become clearer. She smiled gently at me, reaching out to place a hand on my shoulder.

'_Aerith! I-' _Even as my head told me that this was impossible, I called out to her, wanting her to be real.

'_Shh…it's ok, you don't have to explain.' _A sadness stole over her features, and my heart sank. She reached out a hand to brush the hair from my face.

'_But-'_

'_Tifa, it's ok, things will get better.'_

Gentle, reassuring, and it made me want to cry.

'_You…can't know that.' _I choked.

'_I know…but…I have a hunch…'_

But she broke off as I looked down, tears swamping my eyes. I couldn't keep it in, and, snuffling loudly, I scrubbed at my eyes to hide them.

'_Tifa!' _Surprised, concerned, she peered through my hair, trying to catch my gaze. Stubbornly, I refused to meet hers as another sob emitted from my throat.

'_I-I'm sorry!' _And she went still at my words, taken back. I stammered on, letting the tears fall off my face _'I c-couldn't help him…I-'_

'_It's not your fault.' _Aerith said, ever comforting, but I shook my head at her words.

'_I…I wasn't enough…'_

Not enough, not enough to help the ones I love.

'_It's not like that, Teef…' _Again she pushed back my hair, making me look at her _'neither…neither of you are ready yet.'_

I hadn't…understood. Blinking through my tears, I shook my head in disbelief and confusion.

'_W-what do you mean?' _I looked down again, pinching the bridge of my nose to stop the tears. I could still feel her eyes on me, but I refused to meet them, it was too much, too surreal. A sharp intake of breath and I found my lost composure. Speaking softly I said my next words _'This…this is a dream, isn't it?'_

'_Yes…' _She replied, equally quiet. Equally sad.

'_I'm sorry Aerith.'_

She shook her head, smiling sadly again.

'_It's not for you to say that.' _Aerith looked me straight in the eye, steady _'Chin up Teef.'_

Smile.

'_But…'_

She faded, and I awoke.

* * *

**Authors notes:** Ok, so this is all building up to the end!!

A little bit of Aerith htere, for those who have been wondering about her (I know she is not dead in KH! It will be explaned eventually!)

The reason I've updated again so soon is because I am about to embark on a little European tour, which will, unfortunatly, leave me no time to write or update. So, for the moment, this story is on hold, but I will get back to it once I've satisfied the travelling bug. So...hold out for me please!! I will be back.

See ya til then!


	37. Recollection xxxvi

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing.

**Recollection xxxvi**

In hindsight, I guess I should have known that things were going to collapse in on themselves. I should have realized the minute that Lucil told me that Heartless had been spotted on the fringes of this Land. Looking back, there were so many clues, so many signs that I should have taken notice of, but I didn't.

For this is the beginning of the end.

* * *

Early afternoon, with a chill in the air that was slowly draining the strength out of the sunshine. The chill had been growing slowly for weeks, but no one noticed it. Or if they did, they assumed that it was going to pass, like winter.

Never mind that it was out of season, or that the skies grew darker still.

I walked the cobbled streets, still sore after my last bout at the Home Guard. Quistus and I certainly never left any quarter for one another, and when we fought it was for real. Over the past two years, our relationship had come to a kind of mutual understanding.

For some reason, I look back on those fights and smile. We were as much alike on the inside as we differed physically. We both had hidden hurts, hidden disappointments. We both understood what it was like to live in the fight.

Lucil had taken to requesting a white mage from the Guild for those fights.

As it was, I had been healed nicely, yet still feeling the bruises on my bones and the tingle of freshly healed cuts.

The quiet, cobbled streets felt cold, and the wind buffeted as if it were a blustery autumn day.

I thought I was mistaken, then, when I felt the cold prickle at the back of my neck, and shiver running up my spine. It was old instinct that made me turn, when the chill deepened and I knew that something was amiss.

Old instinct that saved my life as I leapt back and away from the pitch black claws that stretched out for me.

Instant shock, and a gagging kind of sick horror almost overwhelmed me as the wavering black creature before me raised it featureless head, staring at me with bright yellow eyes.

_'U-no…nah-'_

I had stammered. All I could do was stare, slack jawed as the Heartless lurched forward to swipe at me again.

Instantly, I danced back on my toes. The adrenaline shoot through my body as it leapt up, and I swung my left foot upward and out at the hated creature. Concentrating my chi, I slammed my heel straight into its blank face, not pausing as I withdrew my leg, twisted my body and came up and around with a following sidekick.

The Heartless fell to the ground, twitching as it dissipated. I watched, numb to the bone, silent, as my brain slowly processed what had just happened.

Heartless. In Radiant Garden.

The kids.

I had run, sprinted at full pelt, down the side streets I knew until I had arrived at the doorstep of the School. Breathing hard, with my heart pumping frantically, I stared at the silent building. I was afraid, terrified of what I would find there.

Nothing?

I couldn't bear it, I almost screamed, but then…

Voices. Children's voices. Was it cries of panic and fear, or laughter? I didn't know, didn't wait to find out. I couldn't, I was too afraid to find out.

So I ran. Slammed open those front doors and dashed down the corridors to the classrooms I vaguely remembered visiting from Parent Night. I almost knocked down a kid, a teacher called out to me, but I went on, frantic, frightened, scared.

Those kids were my life, my all, my light.

Skidding as I turned a corner, I spotted the classroom I remembered. The paper dolls adorning the doorframe. I slammed into it, wrenching the doors open, wild eyed and wired for anything.

Anything but what I found there.

The teacher stared at me, her mouth hanging open as if in mid sentence. Her eyes all but fell out of their sockets at the sight of me. I froze.

I saw her jaw move, as if she were trying to make it work like a piece of broken machinery. I tried to do the same with my own numb body. Slowly, my head moved and I swiveled my gaze around the class of stunned eight year olds.

There.

'_M-Marlene.' _I managed to croak, and her eyes met mine and she nodded, as if making a judgement that I wasn't capable of.

Marlene turned to the baffled teacher, raising her hand smartly and saying _'Excuse me, Miss' _in a very calm and adult tone. The teacher finally closed her mouth, nodding for my little girl to continue.

'_May I be excused, I need to speak with-'_

'_Yes, yes, certainly.'_

She cleared her through uncomfortably; adjusting her glasses as her gaze flickered from myself to Marlene. I finally was able to breathe. Normally.

Quietly, quickly, Marlene gathered her school things and walked to me. Everyone was watching her, watching me, and I wondered if they would tease her for this, for her crazy guardian. That thought made my hands clench.

She smiled softly at me, and it reminded me of the gentleness of Aerith. I tried to smile back, but my mouth wouldn't work. I led her out her classroom where she gazed up and looked with worried eyes.

'_Tifa, is everything ok? What's wrong?'_

I opened my mouth. I wanted to tell her, blurt it all out, but I didn't. I was shaking, with relief, I think, as slowly I knelt before her and pulled her into a tight hug.

Silently, she complied, saying nothing and patting my back in comfort. I pulled back to look into her young face, her serious eyes and I sighed. What could I say? Tear apart her already fragile world?

I couldn't do that to her, to tell her about the Heartless would be to drag her back to the dark and dangerous part of our lives that had defined us both so well. I think I was on the verge of tears, then.

'_Did something happen?'_ Marlene asked, and again I almost told her, but I bit it back. I shook my head and looked to the ground.

_'No…no, I just-' _

Just what?

What had I planned to do? Drag both her and Denzel away to the bar, to ride out the impossible storm there? Leave everybody, all the children, the others to die as we huddled in fear?

No, I had been scared, and, for a moment, irrational. I was meant to be their guardian, their protector. I chastised myself for my foolishness. I had to bear this cross on my own, I couldn't tell either of them. I told myself that it only had been one Heartless, and that maybe they weren't here in strength yet. That I could handle it for the now.

Yet.

Yet I knew better, that where there was one there would be more.

'_I just…wanted to make sure…you were ok.' _

It was a weak excuse, I know, and Marlene gave me a look that said '_do I look stupid to you?' _But she said nothing, she merely nodded, accepted my pathetic lie with grace. I couldn't meet her eyes.

I hugged her again with feeling, and left the school.

* * *

_'Are you certain that's what you saw?'_

'_Of course I'm certain! I-' _But I left off, biting my knuckle as I stared out the window.

I could feel Lucil's eyes on me. She waited for me from where she sat behind her desk. Elma stood behind the High Captain, with Clasko cleaning his sword to the right of the room.

I hissed softly in frustration and turned back to Lucil.

'_It was a Heartless, Lucil, a Heartless.' _She met my eyes calmly, and I was becoming more and more distressed _'Inside Garden walls. The missing people, I…they're here, dammit, they're HERE!'_

She sighed heavily behind her clasped hand, eyes lowered. Elma and Clasko watched her, anxious and worried. Elma caught my eye for a second, before averting it as if I had touched on a taboo subject.

Which, in some way, I guess I had.

'_I believe you, Tifa, though I wish it were otherwise.' _

Some part of me had relaxed slightly. Lucil believed me, I didn't have to bang my head against a brick wall trying to convince them of my words.

Not yet, anyway.

Lucil sighed again, before looking up at her cohorts.

_'How long would it take for street patrols to be put into motion?'_

'_We can get four divisions of the older recruits up for tonight, but we'll have to organize the rest, who patrols what route and so on,' _Elma started, looking towards Clasko for clarification. He nodded, and she continued _'It shouldn't take more then a few days.'_

'_We should set up for day watches as well, just in case.' _Clasko said beside me. I found myself nodding at their words, a little reassured.

Lucil nodded.

'_Hmm. Yes. I agree.' _Her tone was as clipped and precise as usual.I could see her thinking, calculating. She raised her eyebrows at her friends _'If you two could…?'_

'_Certainly.' _Replied Elma.

'_We'll get onto it right away, Captain.' _Clasko said with a brief smile. They both nodded at me and left the room striding with purpose.

I could not help but stare at the door once they left. They were gone, gone to prepare the protection of this city. In the silence that filled the room I wondered at what would happen now, where would this path lead us. These people, it reminded me Avalanche, all those years ago.

Fighting for something. It gave me some hope, I think.

'_Tifa, I must ask something of you.'_

I turned back to the flamed haired woman who had now risen from her desk.

_'Yes?'_

She spoke carefully.

_'I will be…informing Ansem the Wise and his Apprentices of this, maybe we will be allowed some support from Soldier…' _

_'Do you think so?'_

Lucil sighed heavily again, running a hand through her hair.

_'It's…hard to say…they are-have been so closed up, we don't even know for sure what the situation is in Balamb. Communication to there has all but ceased, but we are told to sit back and smile in any case.'_

She paused, regarding me, my reaction, and I knew what she wanted from me.

'_You want me to help you. Convince them. You think that they'll listen to me.'_

Lucil nodded at my words.

'_Just as…support. Confirmation. You were the one who saw it, after all, and you do have somewhat of a reputation about you.'_

At these last words a hint of a smile curled at her mouth, but it wasn't much. The seriousness of our situation, its implications, killed any kind of humor to be had.

'…_I don't think they'll believe us.' _I said. I didn't have much faith in the ruler of Radiant Garden. I have already told you how I felt about Ansem the Wise. There is no need for me to repeat it.

'_I am willing to try in any case.' _Lucil said seriously.

I bit my lip.

_'Ok then.'_

* * *

Marlene said nothing when I picked them up from school that afternoon. She gave me a look, which I smile apologetically to in response, and from Denzel's face, I don't think that she had told him of my sudden appearance at her classroom.

Yet, for I had been sure that she would eventually. They were close like that.

As we walked back I felt the chill of the air, the atmosphere, and it made me shudder despite the sun. That coldness that was slowly creeping in.

I gave some gil for ice cream for him and Marlene, and with a smart grin and pleased with the responsibility he went to the vendor. As he ran off, I watched Marlene for a moment before broaching the silence.

_'About today…Marlene…I'm sorry…'_

She looked up at me with those big eyes of hers, and I felt my heart ache.

_'You were really frightened, weren't you?'_

I looked away, tucking some hair behind one ear.

'_I…I had a bit of a scare…but its alright,' _nodding to myself to emphasize my point. Convince myself that things would be fine. I didn't want her worrying_ 'everything is ok now.'_

'_Really?'_

'_Yes, we're going to make it ok.'_

'_We…you mean the Home Guard…' _as I winced inwardly at my slip, Marlene continued _'Does that mean…'_

I was saved. Denzel returned, and Marlene fell silent. He frowned at the expression on our faces, and as he handed Marlene her ice cream I saw their eyes meet in mutual understanding. My heart fell. I was failing them.

I have failed them.

Like I failed Cloud.

* * *

Routine Street Patrols began instantly, day and night. I was not able to do the night shifts, I had the kids and the bar to take care of, but I was able to help out with the day watches. There was one genuine encounter with a Heartless near castle, and many confirmed scares, but, in the beginning, there was generally little incident.

Fool that I was, I let that fact ease my mind.

_'Man, these patrols are such a drag, we never see ANY action!'_

I smiled at Yuffie's complaints, I had long since realized not to take them seriously.

'_I mean, if they have the nerve to show up here, they could _at least_ show up in a place where I can pommel them into the ground!'_

'_As is your royal right, of course.' _I said, raising an eyebrow.

'_Damn straight, yeah!' _the younger girl met my eye, and for a moment I saw the flash of real steel and determination that lurked underneath.

People greeted the patrols with mixed feelings. Some welcomed it, some dismissed it as unnecessary and paranoid. That we were striving for self-importance and purpose. Those were the generally the original inhabitants of Resident Garden, the once untouched by the darkness. Unsurprisingly, we found much support form the refugees of Midgar and Wutai.

Perhaps the growing shadow was not as unnoticed as I thought, but it was not mentioned.

Still, I always wonder if I could have done more.

* * *

Later that week I visited Cid at his workshop. Covered in grease and smelling of petrol and nicotine he welcomed me in.

'_Should you really be smoking that in here?' _I asked, gesturing to his cigarette, and then to the petrol cans and twisted mess of half built engines that littered the workroom.

He shrugged and grinned, pulling off his black stained gloves.

_'Hasn't killed me yet, ta Shera's disappointment, but I'm working on it.'_

I rolled my eyes and smiled.

_'Don't say things like that, Cid.'_

'_S'rry…' _he muttered, rubbing the back of his neck with one hand _'So, Teef, what can I do for you?'_

I lowered my eyes, letting them graze over the clutter. Clear tanks of brightly colored liquid bubbled next clumps of complicated metal and wires, strange devices with pipes that glowed softly, and open shells of cockpits. I felt…almost sad at that moment, but for the life of me I cannot quiet say why.

'_Teef?' _He prompted again.

'_I…sorry…' _I shook my head and looked up to see the concerned expression on his worn face _'Cid…how…how long do you think it will be until you can fly into outer space?'_

'_Uh…well…' _He seemed slightly taken back. Scratching his chin in a distinctly Cid style, he walked over to one of the fluid tanks and began fiddling with one of the largish devices that lay beside it, big like a sleeping animal. _'No real answer to ya Teef, all depends on how long it takes me to get these damned things to work.'_

Curious, I had walked over to where Cid stood hunched over his device. Leaning over his shoulder, I studied the clear tubes threaded in and out of the various compartments. It almost looked like a giant shield.

'_See, I'm just trying to get that gummi crap to run smoothly through the various blocks. That Mickey had it on his ship, but he could only give me a small idea of how it worked.'_ He took a drag at his smoke, and pointed a finger at the clear little tubes _'These things here, It's trying to get all them pipes to link up one block to another right.'_

_'Blocks?'_

_'These.'_ He thumped the entire shield structure, I nodded _'I call 'em blocks. You sorta clamp a bunch of 'em onto your ship structure and connect them all up, and they sort out ya navigation, defense and attack. The gummi that runs through fuels it all, lets it fly. Well, that's the idea, any fucking how…'_

'_Oh…' _I said, frowning _'So what's holding you back?'_

Cid stood up to face me, tapping the large, colourful tanks with his knuckles.

'_This stuff, the damn gummi stardust. In the pipes. Sometimes it works together, an' sometimes it doesn't. Sure is a bitch though.'_

I had studied the tanks, thinking. Thinking such words as escape, freedom, safety.

He must have seen the troubled expression on my face as I watched the liquid gummi bubble away in those great glass tanks. Sure as hell, Cid Highwind was not some one who beat about the bush.

_'Why the fuck are you here, Teef? What's happened?'_

I resisted the urge to sigh.

'_It's…the…the Heartless. I-I mean…I saw one inside the city, and I…' _stammering, I raised my eyes to meet his _'I can't help but feel that we're running out of time.' _

Something tightened in the pilot's face, and he said nothing for a good few minutes that drew out uncomfortably long. I turned back to the tank, biting my bottom lip.

_'Them Home Guard patrols, that's why they've started up, isn't it? Cause they're here.'_

'_Yes.'_

'_Shit.'_

I had to agree.

* * *

**Authors note: **Hello! I'm ba-ack! Didja miss me? 

haha, just kidding.

Yar, I have been working real hard on this, I'm getting up to the final chapter now, and boy, is it hard to write.

Hmm...yes, so everythings starting to happen now, Heartless showing up and all. I tried hard to sort of explain how I think gummi ships work and all, without going into too much detail. Hoped it worked out, but hey.

In case anybody doesn't know, Lucil, Elma and Clasko are from FFX, thought I would just clarify that.

Hope y'all like it, and that it was worth the wait!


	38. Recollection xxxvii

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing,

**Recollection xxxvii**

They wouldn't let us in. The bastards wouldn't let us in.

'_I'm sorry, Captain, but our Master does not wish to see you.' _Came the silky reply.

The Apprentice, Xehanort, smiled silkily at Lucil and I, the closed door leading to Radiant Garden's flawless leader behind him. First glance and I had disliked the man. There was something…not right about him, something wrong, perverse. That feline face and pale silver hair was a little too similar to an old foe to leave me much comfort.

I wanted to slap him, then and there, just for looking like Sephiroth and for acting so superior. Really.

'_Begging your pardon, Apprentice,' _Lucil matched his sneer coolly and calmly, whilst I fumed behind a mask of rigid composure that took all of my will power to keep _'but we have a matter of _dire _importance to discuss with your Master that-'_

'_As I said, he is erstwhile unavailable. Please leave.' _He cut her off smartly, and-

'_-that needs to be dealt with and addressed immediately.' _She completely ignored him and kept talking.

He, Xehanort, was taken back by this. I saw it in his eyes, the insult and fury at the Captains disregard for him. He thought of himself above us, that we were small, little creatures beneath him.

Still, the slick smile was back in place as he spoke to us as one would to a small child, and dripping with sarcasm.

'_That is not possible at the present moment, but please, feel free to leave your thoughts and document behind, we can sort through to gauge whether it is…worthy…of our attentio-' _

'_Heartless have been seen inside these very walls and people are disappearing without a trace!' _Her usual level tone was utterly gone, replaced by a severe, scalding bark edged with steel _'Ansem needs to be made aware of the direness of this situation so that we can work to prevent the tragedies of Wutai and Midgar repeating themselves! This needs to be addressed immediately!'_

We stood, fuming at him, and he was silent for the moment. Xehanort eyed us in contempt and in boredom.

For all her strong words and protests, he would not let us through. As I considered knocking the bastard out and proceeding on anyway, he threatened to have us arrested and the Home Guard shut down on the grounds of being treasonous.

So we had to stop. Bite our tongues and ball our fists. We did not get through, and we could not risk destroying the one small hope this city had. It almost hurt to look in Lucil's eyes, the bitterness and disillusionment stung her to the very core, I think.

It would have done the same to me, but I had never had any faith in Ansem. This had only confirmed my thoughts on him and his Council.

* * *

Smoothly I slid out the way of the sharp kick, ducking away again as my opponent followed with another high kick aimed at my face. Twisting my body so that it struck the air next to my face, I thrust my hand out in a chop to his neck.

He saw my strike, blocking it with his free hand, I saw him smirk.

I drove my own free fist into his solar plexus, and Zell's eyes widened as he was thrown back.

Following immediately, I swung my foot up into his face as I back flipped into the air. I felt the impact as I turned, landing low to watch as Zell completed his own mid air rotation to land, in a crouch, facing me.

He did not look as if he appreciated the broken nose.

So fast, he launched himself at me, delivering a lightning array of punches and strikes that drove me back. Gritting my teeth as I ducked under a high kick, I snapped my leg out for a foot sweep. Jumping easily over my attack, he smoothly swept his right leg up, only to bring it sharply down in a vicious heel drop that sent my vision spinning.

Dazed but unperturbed, I threw myself forward to tackle his midsection and bring him down to my level. Ground level.

He fell hard, grunting, and I got in one good punch before he bunched his legs up under me to spring kick me off him like a jack-in-a-box. But I had expected that.

I let the kick carry me up and away, twisting my body mid-air to land on me feet. He too was now on his feet, and we made brief eye contact before charging.

Sprinting forward, I jump up to deliver a spinning crescent, snapping out my leg in a clockwise arc. He moved under the kick, and as I land I continued the momentum to rise and follow with a spinning back kick that slammed my heel into his chest.

_'Gn-'_

Staggering back, he straightened. Zell jumped forward, fist raised and shining with chi as he swung out an upper cut. My head twisted away with the impact. Not stopping, he set his shoulder into my stomach, hooked his arms around my torso and leapt up, hefting me into the air.

I had enough time to think _you cheeky bastard _before he spun midair, slamming me down do the ground with the force of a meteor.

I twisted-

_SLAM_

-hitting the dirt in a crouch with such force that the ground cracked.

I jerked my head up to see him bearing down on me with a fist full of chi. Instant, my own heats up and floods my own fist in response. I intercept the blow with my own, letting my own chi force shine with the fight. The two forces met and-

_BRIGHT WHITE LIGHT_

-white light flares, and we are both driven back in recoil by the sheer force of it, instinctively shielding our eyes to the burning energy.

Contact broken, and the light is gone. We've drawn apart.

Neither fazed, we circle, fists raised and ready. Zell charged, and I let him come toward me. Dodging the first punch, I hit away the second, coming up to block the third with palm of my hand. Letting his momentum push him forward, I manipulate his arm and shoulder to flip him over. Landing on his back, he grabs my own arm, and twisting his legs so fast and trapped by his grip, swipes my own feet out from beneath me.

_'Uh-'_

Landing heavy, I did not wait.

Flipping around into a crouch, I brace my arms on the ground and send out a heel stab into his side. He cried out, and quickly I stood, seizing the front of his shirt as I hurled him up to punch him in face again.

_BAMM!_

Pain burst and I curled reflexively over my abused stomach. Almost grinning, he removed the offending knee, only to grab to back of my head with his hands and slam his knee into my face too. The blow split my lips, I could feel it as my entire face was numb.

Even as I blinked blearily at him, I thrust my own knee into his groin. The grip on my hair was released. Eyes squeezed shut with tears, he curled up protectively around his 'damaged' area.

_'FffffUCK! Tifa! That's a low BLOW!'_ He howled. I tried not to grin. 

I backed away as he looked up, though, murder in his eyes.

'_Um...sorry?'_

Like a dart, I barely had time to intercept the blow with my forearms as he came down with a rush of punches that screamed '_vengeance_'.

Taking a blow to the shoulder, I deliver a side-kick to his mid section. We broke apart with the recoil.

_DongDong-_

Almost immediately Zell straightened, his head had snapped into the direction of the cafeteria. I sighed, some what resigned, and slowly straightened myself.

-_Dong._

Lunch bell. He looks back at me, face bloody and apologetic. I scowl, pretending to be annoyed and he pouted. Sighing again, I rolled my eyes and gave a dismissive wave of my hand. He grinned widely, and almost began to run off, only to find that our exertions had taken their toll on his bodies. 

Mine too, I felt like one massive big hurt.

Zell and I had fought often after that first conversation. There is a certain level of joy in fighting another hand to hand specialist, especially since he also incorporated the use of his chi into his attacks. They were flashy events, and more often then not, we ended up with an audience. Indeed, many of our techniques were similar, and we learnt a lot from our battles.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Zell apprehended by the assigned white mage, inhibiting his quest for the cafeteria hotdogs with the insistence that '_yes, he did need to get that nose fixed'_.

I chuckled to myself, even if it did hurt a little.

Wincing, I stretched out my back, feeling all the deep bruises and scrapes on my ribs, stomach and arms. One of the younger recruits, Liam, had approached me with a towel and water flask. Gratefully, I took it and began mopping up the copious amounts of blood that was gushing out of my nose.

'_Pretty impressive last shot, Miss.' _

I looked down at the fifteen year old. He brushed a hand through his hair, taking the now bloody towel from me and offering the water flask.

'_Huh?'_

'_The…uh…groin move.'_

'_Oh.' _I said, unsure of what I should say. It was awkward, having a teenager praise me _'Thanks…I guess…' _

_'Heh, yeah, Dinct didn't know what hit 'em.'_ He gave a wry half grin.

_'Neither did I, for a moment…'_ I said absent minded, my body was berating me for taking so long to heal it. Sighing, I eased myself onto the floor cross legged.

My healing ability had strengthened a little over the past two years. Not by much, but I was getting tips from various mages, and could now control it much better then before. So I tended to practice it when I felt I could. Someone would have to finish the healing off properly, though.

I could feel Liam watching me. I'm afraid to say that I had acquired a small number of admirers among the recruits, although my following was nothing in comparison to that of Quistus Trepe.

Calming my mind, I focused on evening my breaths.

In.

Out.

Quiet of mind, I dipped into that subconscious sphere. I saw the shimmering of my sphere, its light, and my small pool of white magic. Pulling out the threads, I wove it gently around my bruised muscle and sinew.

It did not take very long, but I used it up fairly quickly.

Once the appointed white mage had patched up the rest of me, I looked up to find Zell leaning on a post and munching on a hotdog. Catching my gaze, he had winked, holding out a second hotdog towards me.

* * *

I served drinks to the eerily quiet bar. There was not much merriment these days, but on that night in particular, the oppressive atmosphere was tenfold.

The first casualty of the Home Guards Night Patrol had been laid to rest earlier that day.

It was a harsh blow, a reality check of the cruelest kind. A young male recruit, fifteen years old, had lost his footing when a group of six Heartless attacked his patrol. They were all destroyed, but not before the boy lost his heart.

I had placed a mask of stone upon my face that day. I numbed my feelings and myself so that I could serve out the drink to those who wanted oblivion. Because that loss, not death, because that is not true death, meant that they were without a doubt here. In the city, the protected shell of this Land, last of the Great Cities.

The last haven, penetrated.

What about Soldier, you ask. What about them and the mysterious war that took them away from our city to the desolate borders?

We heard no official news about the situation at hand. Men who left and did not come back were just…gone. Lost, I suppose, for their families never received word of their demise or their whereabouts. The men folk were just disappearing. It made those left behind feel all the more alone and afraid.

No word from our leaders, only silence. No one had seen Ansem the Wise for months.

We were alone, all alone. This was the realization that hung around the bar. We were alone and the enemy was creeping up onto out doorsteps. There was the grieving family of a fallen Home Guard to prove it.

* * *

People stopped walking the streets at night. Aside from the Patrols who had finished their watch, I had less and less customers.

People stopped going out alone, always taking someone along. Safety in numbers. Not that it worked, but it was a feeling of security in any case.

People stopped letting their children out of sight. They were taken to and from school with armed escorts, just in case.

One night I heard weeping. Immediately I thought of the kids, and, on opening the door to their room, I saw Denzel, arms wrapped around a sobbing Marlene.

'_Marlene, sweetie, hey what's wrong?' _As I rushed over, looking at Denzel's hooded eyes and then down at the distraught girl. Sitting on her bed, I reached out to my little girl.

'_What happened?' _I asked, looking at Denzel as Marlene crawled into my arms.

_'Coral.'_

'_Huh?'_

He too crawled onto the bed when I beckoned him over. Heavy eyes, he leaned into me, placing a comforting had on Marlene's head. He spoke quietly, almost a whiper, but not quiet.

_'O-one of the kids at school, she's in Marly's class.'_ The boy took in a deep, shuddering breath _'Taken…she got taken._'

And I stared. His face crumpled and he buried his head into my shoulder. I could feel Marlene's arms tight around waist. Disentangling one arm, I brought Denzel into my embrace.

'_Hey there, shhh…I'm sorry…why didn't you guys say anything?' _I said, rubbing the boy's back.

'…_Didn' wan' you to worry…' _He mumbled, still trying not to cry.

Against my chest, Marlene snuffled and shuddered.

I held onto them for a long time.

* * *

It was late, the bar was almost empty.

Save for one person, which was odd. I was worried.

'_I refused to go.' _Zidane said, downing his drink in one _'I just…didn't turn up, didn't go…wanted t-to protect those here, 'specially after that girl-'_

But he choked on his words, unable to finish his sentence.

The young mans face was so haggard, his eyes so broken. He looked, plainly, terrible. He pushed his glass forward and beckoned for another drink. Worriedly, I took his glass and complied. I had never seen him like this before.

'_They haven't…come after you?' _I asked slowly.

'_No! No…_' He let out a bitter laugh, one that chilled me to the bone, and hung his head low. My heart sank, for the image before me was a similar one. 

Why, why must I always be the witness? The one who survives whilst other fall before me?

_'Zidane…what then-'_

'_Garnet.' _He cut me off, seeming to choke on the word, on the name.

It took a moment before my eyes widened and my mouth dropped as comprehension dawned on me. Garnet, the white mage with the dark, smiling eyes. I knew her from the evenings spent here with her guardian and Zidane himself. I had not seen her for a while, I realized.

'_They sent her away!' _It seemed to tear out of his throat. Heart wrenching, painful _'They sent her to the Border and I c-can't reach her! They sent her to her death because of me!'_

It hurt to listen.

Fueled on by the alcohol, he began to sob so that his whole body shook with the grief. Drink untouched. I had stood still, watching the grief that had mirrored my own and Cloud's visualize itself in another man. I tried to say something that would help, but nothing came. I tried to reach out a hand, but it remained like lead by my side. I did not even notice my own tears at his grief, his guilt and regret.

Cruel, so cruel. They sent her out in his place, because he refused to go.

Eventually, the sobs lessened, and shakily, he raised his head to meet my eyes.

_'Uh-I…sorry…Zidane, I'm truly sorry.'_

He nodded dumbly, and my insides clenched at the lost look in his eyes.

_'Hey…_' I searched my head for the right thing to say '_she's still got Steiner there, to protect her…he will do his all-'_

But my comfort was cut off.

'_But out there…' _He hung his head again _'y-you of a-ll people know…there's no coming back from the darkness. Not from there.'_

Silent, I watched him. Unsure, afraid. What could I say? What was the right thing? I had never managed to make it right in the…in the past, why should this be any different? I barely knew the guy except as a regular customer.

'_Maybe…maybe you should…' _I hesitated, unsure what I was suggesting, how Zidane would take this '_…go after her…'_

He stared at me.

'_Not as a Soldier, as you. Go get her back…she's your light, isn't she?_' 

I saw the comprehension consolidate in his eyes, and they cleared if but a little. Nervous, I bit my lip, but something in his features seemed to pull together. He was silent for a long time.

But he nodded, no trace of the alcohol in his actions, and he stood and walked steadily out the bar.

He didn't pay for his drinks, but I had let it slide. Besides, I never saw him again, after that. I can only assume, for better or worse, that he took my advice. Was I right, to tell him to go after her though? I often wonder whether or not I sent him to his demise. It is very likely, almost certain, in fact, and I hate it.

But, I had seen the look in his eyes, what was beginning to fester in his heart. A darkness that would eat away at him, as it had done so to Cloud, and I…I could not stand by and watch that happen again.

You never know, maybe he found her, before the end.

Maybe.

I hope so.

* * *

I sat on the roof, ignoring the chill of the night.

I couldn't sleep. Too much had happened. I didn't want to sleep. I wanted to cry on someone's shoulder. I wanted someone to tell me that it would be ok.

There was so much that was going wrong. It was all falling apart. The fear was growing, and the uncertainty, and I didn't know what to do. It wasn't like before. No Barret to be the leader, to voice our own thoughts and turn it into action.

Here, it was just me, apart of the Home Guard, trying to protect the people. Stem off the inevitable.

Unfair, for what we did in Midgar was exactly the same thing in essence, really. Only for some reason, it had felt more real. Maybe because, here, we had so much more to lose.

No. Not really, Radiant Garden just has not given in to hopelessness yet. They've lived to long in the light to truly comprehend what we're up against.

Not true for all, I know, but for most.

Inhale, deep breath, meditate, collect my thoughts.

But they were swirling in a daze around my head.

Marlene. Denzel.

Cloud.

I wondered where he was now. If he thought of us, missed us.

I pictured him on his bike, Fenrir, driving at full speed on some never ending road. It would be nighttime there too. He would have his goggles on, and sword strapped on his back. Eyes focused fully on the path ahead.

Or he would be standing atop a hill, looking down at some otherworldly city, completely different to our own. He would shift his stance slightly, then gaze at the sky for signs of the weather.

Gods, I hated that I did that to myself. Poking at the thinly healed wound, which really wasn't healed at all.

I sucked in another deep breath and stretched out my legs before me, leaning onto my back so I could gaze up at the stars.

'…_do you think that they can see anyway, through all that dark? Do you think they can see how we're fighting for them?'_

I said that to him the eve before the final battle.

Was our own star fading?

For the second time that night, tears fell silently from my eyes as, motionless, I continued to study the beauty above me.

He was out there, somewhere. Searching.

I gazed and gazed at those stars, until I could forget, just for a little while, everything else.

* * *

**Authors note: **There are a lot of things that I think I could have done better in this chapter, the Zidane bit is one of them. 

I don't know, I just got the idea of hinting at someone elses story, without actually going into it. Its sort of what I did for Yuffie and Quistis, so I hope its not too random.

I wasn't even going to write the Zell Tifa fight, but when I started it, I couldn't stop, it was way too much fun! See if you can spot their limit breaks in there!

Haha

Two more chapters. Look out for the next one...


	39. Recollection xxxviii

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**Recollection xxxxi**

It was out of our hands.

The Home Guard. What could we do when higher forces conspired against us?

Try.

Fail.

The bar was empty. I was cleaning up for the night. It must have been almost ten, I think. I remember because the kids came down saying that they couldn't sleep because of the thunder outside. No one was in, so I made them hot chocolate drinks and sat them at the counter.

While I swept the floor, Denzel had related his latest class assignment.

'…_and just about _everyone_ has put down Soldier-'_

'_What, even the girls?' _Marlene asked him from behind her mug. He sighed and shook his head at her.

'_No, 'course not, they've got stuff down like seamstress, or white mage or princess.' _He shook his head again in distaste, and I smiled from where I worked.

'_What about you, Denzel?' _I asked from the other side of the room.

'_Huh?'_

'_What dream job are you going to write about?'_

He frowned, staring into his drink, not saying anything at first. The expression on his young face was…indecisive, as if he didn't know whether or not to tell me. I admit, I had half expected him to say soldier too, like Cloud.

To be a hero.

_'I…uh…'_

I stopped sweeping, standing straight to meet his gaze.

'_You don't have to tell me if you don't want to.' _I said softly, smiling a little. He looked up sharply.

_'It's not that! I just…'_

But he was cut off by a scream. From outside. We all stiffened, I felt my blood go crazy as we waited, tense, for the next one.

Both their eyes were as wide as saucers.

_'W-was that a-'_ Marlene whispered. 

'_Shhh!' _Her foster brother nudged her with his elbow.

I stood still, ears straining, for-

_'-elp I-AHH!'_

-I ran straight to the front door and wrenched it open. Cold air swamped the room, and I glanced over my shoulder to the kids.

_'Don't go anywhere!'_

I waited only for their nods of affirmation before stepping into the night and closing the door behind me. Already I was drawing in big, deep breaths with flaring nostrils. Something didn't feel right as I called out.

_'Hello! Who's out there?'_

'_Help me!' _The choking sob came from down the street and I sprinted towards it. Dark, it was so dark, and I could barely make out the ragged figure that was stumbling towards me. His frightened face shone in the street light, full of pure terror.

'_What's happened?' _I said, alarmed, reaching out to catch the man should he fall. He latched onto my arm with claw like hands, holding on as if for dear life.

_'The-they're after me!'_

'_Who?' _I asked, confused, worried, alarmed. I looked down the street for the attacker, but, somewhere, I already knew.

_'The-the-'_

And when I saw the sky I knew. By some chance I looked up, but instead of starlight there were thick, dark, bulging clouds of black and purple, suffocating the sky. Fear, disbelief, horror clenched my throat. A sick feeling had dropped down my stomach. The last time I had seen clouds like that, well, you know what had happened.

Numb, yes, I remember feeling so numb as well.

'_Agh!!'_

The man screeched, and I tore my eyes away from those condemning clouds. He flailed wildly, scrabbling away as my skin went cold. Out of the dark they came, glowing, yellow eyes.

'_Stay behind me!' _I yelled to him, quickly tugging the black leather gloves from my back pocket. I didn't bother to see if the man had listened. I pulled the gloves on tight.

Blacker then black leapt straight at me. Hands fisted I swung forward-

BamBamBam 

-and the creature broke apart and faded. Three more leapt up over their fellow, and I had one split second to straighten as they came.

Lean to the side, dodge under the second, kept on my toes as the third attacked. I dodged its swipe, darting forward to snap out a front kick that sent it flying. Not stopping, I twirled and ducked under a swipe from the first. Its claws reached out to scratch me, and I fired up my fists and swung forward with a deadly rush of punches that pommel it out of existence.

The third leapt, and I jumped back to avoid the strike. Light on my feet I darted to the side, letting loose a clean sidekick that caught its round body. It dissipated.

I was surprised to find myself shaking a little. I suppose it was the shock of seeing so many Heartless. But they were gone, I had thought, as I stood the in the night.

'_AGGHHH!'_

I spun, too late, as the death cry fell silent on his lips as the dark creature devoured his heart. The body faded, empty now, as the Heartless turned its yellow eyes upon me. Then I saw.

Hundreds of them.

And then I heard the screams, the cries from the buildings around me. The Heartless were there, everywhere, and in horror I stared at the hundreds of unblinking yellow eyes that surrounded the street. Restless and hungry, they shifted and began to move.

They were everywhere. Consuming everything, men, women and children-

-the KIDS!

Out of my numbness and my horror came anger and a fear. Blood pounded and my chi FLARED. Some sort of cry left my lips as I leapt without a thought into the fray.

My children! I had to save them!

Pulling back a fist, I slammed it into the first one. Running past, I hewed through those Heartless with cold purpose. Twist, punch, turn, kick-spin-kick, running jump–_fist full of chi_- slam down with burning white fire and it blasted them all away. Path cleared for the moment, I pelted my way down that street, back to my doorway and my bar. Fear and purpose burned at my blood because, by gods, I had to get back to them.

I didn't bother opening the door, I simply kicked it down. Only to duck away quickly as Denzel swung a baseball bat at me.

'_Tifa!' _Eyes wide when he caught sight of me, he dropped the bat and grabbed me by the arm _'The screams, I thought-'_

'_No time, quick, Denz we have to leave.' _

I pulled him back into the bar as Marlene scrambled down from her stool to latch onto my waist.

'_T-Tifa, w-hat's happening?' _Her big eyes looked up at me full of fear, dread, and uncertainty.

'_It's gone bad sweetie, we gotta get out of here.'_

No time, no time. Time is of the essence.

Out of time.

Roughly I dragged Marlene behind the bar, making sure Denzel was following close behind. Hands shaking, I scrambled through the draws under the till. My breathing ragged, out of time. Close to panic.

'…_where is it…here!' _Clutching the gun, I turned to a wide-eyed Denzel. Grabbing his hand, I wrapped his fingers around the handle, crouching down to his level, I spoke straight to his face as I showed how to release the catch.

'…_release it before each sh-ot, right? Ok? You gotta have this in case…' _I tried to hold back the tremors. He nodded solemnly to me as Marlene gripped my belt tighter _'Come here, both of you.'_

I drew both of them before me, arms clutching theirs as we huddled behind the bar. The fear was in their eyes. Something outside crashed and we all winced. I remember the sweat that was on their skin already, the way they looked at me with a certainty that made my chest tight. They were looking at me for protection.

They depended on me.

'_Listen, we can't stay here, we're gonna try and make it to Cid and Shera's. Maybe they…maybe they can…' _My throat constricted. I looked to the ground and swallowed hard_ 'I'll protect you both, I promise, but you've got to stay close to me, ok?'_

They nodded in unison. Marlene had trembled, and I saw Denzel set his mouth into a determined line.

My brave little ones.

'_I love you both, we'll be fine.' _I said, as I held them both and kissed their foreheads _'Lets go.'_

Straightening, I grasped Marlene's hand and led them through the house, pushing past the doors until we reached the back door. Opening it slowly, I stuck my head out to check that the coast was clear.

It was.

I pulled them out and into a run.

We kept to the back roads, going as fast as the kids could make it. Fear and anticipation worried me, threatened to rend me useless in panic, but I held it at bay. I had to.

Maybe I should have warned those in their houses, those sleeping not yet aware, but I didn't think of it. It never crossed my mind. My all was in getting us out of there and to Cid's house. I was hoping, praying that his gummi ship was complete. I knew that he had one ready, only that it had not been tested yet. I had no other plan but that. If it didn't work, or if the Heartless had got them both already-

But I had no time for such fears. Ducking around another corner, we ran low. Marlene was panting, I could hear her. Backing up against a wall, I looked at them.

_'How you guys doing?'_

Poor Marlene was bent over her knees.

'_S-stitch.' _She wheezed. I glanced at Denzel. He too was breathing hard, but he put on a brave face and shrugged.

Biting my lip, I peered around the next corner, before looking back at the kids.

_'Ok, Marlene, I'm gonna carry you for a bit, but if I need to fight, you've gotta just get outta the way, k?'_

She looked about to cry, trying to protest, but I ignored her as she climbed onto my back. Arms tight around my neck, I gripped her legs. I turned back to Denzel.

_'Sure you're alright?'_

'_I'm fine.' _

I nodded gratefully, closing my eyes as I shifted Marlene on my back. Somewhere, a part of my mind remembered our climb up the mountain. She had been six, then, and Barret had shouldered her almost all day before I convinced him to let me-

NO! Stay in the present!

It's the only way we'll stay alive!

We ran down the darkened alley. I tried not to notice Marlene's weight. Our footsteps echoed so loudly, and I remember this was one of the things that had unnerved me the most.

Two blocks later we struck trouble. Two large Heartless, and a red flying one blocked the street. Letting Marlene slide off my back, I went into my battle stance.

One leapt at me, and I raised up my fists to deflect the blow. Letting it fall to the side, I was able to counter the second Heartless as it charged. Jumping up, I delivered a clockwise crescent kick to its hated face.

It stumbled back, still intact.

I made to finish it off, but a sudden flare of heat saw me drop and roll away instinctively. The end of the fire spell burnt itself out and I grimaced. Right. The flying one. Still, first things first.

I gritted my teeth, and moved in with a forward jab and an uppercut that battered the dark creature. Snapping out a simple front kick, it dissipated, finally, and I was in time to hear one of the kids' cry out as PAIN scoured at my back.

Cursing, I spun to meet the remaining Heartless. Using the movement, I stretched out my left leg to deliver a sweeping high kick. Knocked back, it staggered, before again lurching towards me.

Running three steps, I intensified the chi to my fists and SLAMED them both down, pushing out with my energy to destroy the Heartless.

Fire again, and I dodged rolled out the way with the smell of burning hair in my nostrils.

Whirling around, I spotted the little thing as it danced in the air. Fire flared again and I cart wheeled out the way, bringing me close enough to the Mage Heartless. The instant my feet touched the ground, I launched myself up into a jumping roundhouse, striking it with my right foot. It dropped in height. Using the momentum from the spin, I jumped again, executing a crescent kick with my left leg, and continued right into another aerial roundhouse. It fell fast and its form fell apart.

'_Tifa!' _Marlene cried, and as I-

_Bang, bang._

-turned I saw with horror the shifting wave of darkness that slowly approached.

_Bang._

Marlene screamed with the last gunshot. Denzel stood with the gun outstretched, arms shaking as he fired off the bullets. It made me so proud and so sick at the same time.

Time.

I couldn't take them all on. Too damn many.

'_C'mon, RUN!' _I grabbed both their arms and wrenched them away. So scared, so scared as we ran at full speed from all those yellow eyes. Heart in my throat I pulled them down a side alley. We didn't stop, couldn't. Our breaths were loud and desperate. Halfway through and the unmistakable yellow pinpricks blocked our path.

'_Shit!' _I screamed, back tracking quickly down towards another small lane we had just passed. I could hear them both sobbing for breaths, but we could not stop. I had been literally dragging them by this stage.

Panic, no-RUN!

Shadow molded into life, and I pulled us back away from the emerging Heartless. Releasing the kids, they stepped behind me. Without pausing I attacked the thing viscously. As it faded, I saw as more emerged behind it. Trapped!

No!

'_Tifa!' _and I spun to see Denzel tugging frantically on a locked door.

'_Out the way!' _I shouted as I ran at the door and kicked it open with a loud THUNK. My blood was on fire. I ushered the kids into the darkened house and I hoped to hell that we could get out the other side. I remember the whites of their eyes, their panicked breath.

Running down the small hallway, I glanced quickly behind me. The silhouette of a Heartless approached the open door. I swore. We clambered into an empty kitchen. All at one I took it in. The overturned table, the smashed window.

Heartless had been here.

Jumping over the table I ran to the next door. It was open. A large living room, a stairwell, and a fire place opposite the front door. Leading out.

'_Quick, through here!' _I beckoned.

Shutting the door behind me, I moved past the kids to check the way. The front door swung open by itself, and I noticed that the sofa was torn. And indeed they were there, blocking our escape. Twitching, watching us with eerie eyes. I raised my fists, a fight in such close quarters would be hard, but I had little choice.

'_Tifa, up here!' _Marlene called out, and over my shoulder I saw her waving at the stairwell. Smart girt, as I made a snap decision, nodded at her and turned.

Fool, fool, what made me do that? Houses are small, no more then three stories, fool! It could have been so much different!

Running, we clambered up the stairs. Behind us, The Heartless scuttled and slithered towards us.

'_Keep going up!' _I yelled out as we reached the first landing. I had an idea to get on the roof. Back out in the open. In front of me Denzel tripped, I caught him under the arms and hauled him back to his feet without missing a step.

_'Thanks.'_

'_No worries, just keep going.'_

'_Tifa there's no more up!' _Marlene cried from the third floor. The panic shot through her voice. Biting my lip, I wiped away the sweat from my forehead.

_'Find a window and open it!'_ I replied as we reached the landing. It looked like a converted attic, but no time for that now. She was already by a window, trying to tug it up. Denzel and I ran over and helped pull it open. 

I stuck my head out. Good, there was roof under the window box. Coming back into the room, I motioned for the kids to start going through. There was little time for words. I had to help Marlene as she clambered through, and Denzel followed after a frightened glance at the stair well.

Briefly I too glanced back, before hefting myself through. It was similar to our own house in structure, sloped tiled roof with two attic window coverings. Marlene and Denzel had scrambled up to the top ridge, and were huddle together, waiting for me. I climbed up to them, some small sense of relief in me.

I scanned the rooftops, searching for where we could clamber onto the next building. Houses such as this tended to be built right next to each other in blocks. I guessed we had maybe, eight blocks until we reached the Highwind's house. I could even see the big building that housed Cid's workrooms and small ship. Lucky, we could climb our way across to the right for a couple of houses, make our way down and run the rest of the way.

Right, plan of action, good.

Reaching the kids, we clung to each other quickly.

_'You guys ok, yeah?'_ I whispered to them, kissing their hair and smelling it. Them. Their scent. I cherish it now.

_'Yeah.' _

_'F-fine.'_

_'You're doing great, Marly, Denz. Not too far now, See over there?'_ I pointed to the building, projecting as much confidence as I could into my voice '_Just over there. You've done so well, I'm so prou-'_

_CRASH_

I was thrown back, away amidst the tile and wood and rubble, as the massive, insect-like Heartless burst its way through the roof and at us. Tumbling down the tiles, I managed to grab hold of the gutter, feeling it bite into my hands as the rest of my body flew over the edge.

'_Marlene! Denzel!!' _I screamed, hauling myself back onto the tiles, desperately trying to catch sight of them.

I heard her scream, and my head snapped up to see the black, six-legged thing advancing on my children as they frantically tried to crawl away. It raised a jagged limb and made to strike them.

Some raw roar tore out of my throat as I launched myself up and through the air at that beast. My energy flooded my body in a shining, desperate force as I slammed into it.

Knocked back, it writhed and clawed me as we fell. Wrapping my legs tightly around its torso, I let fly a flurry of brutal punches at any part of it that I could reach. Clutching the side of the ruined building, it scrambled back up to the top, bashing me against the chimney pillar in an attempt to get rid of me. The blows blasted pain down my back, and I dropped, rolling out the way as it tried to impale me.

Back on my feet, I ran up to the ridge of roof, ducking under a swipe along the way and trying not to slip. On the highest point, I stepped off and vaulted into a back flip. The Heartless swiped again at my airborne body. Twisting as I soared over it's head, I slammed a massive punch into the base of its neck.

I barely held my balance on it's plated back.

It flailed, and I jumped up immediately again, swinging both legs around for another back flip, snapping out a foot to strike the back of it's head on the way round. It's body curled and twisted in agony, baring its fangs, so that it faced me. Touching down briefly on the monster's back, I took off in cartwheel, twisting my body vertically so that I could strike at its head with both feet as I made the full rotation.

Bringing up a long, jagged leg, it struck me straight in the stomach, sending me crashing into the roof. Staggering up from the carnage, I coughed, and felt the coppery taste of blood in my mouth. Scowling at the thing as it loomed closer, I spat the blood out and launched myself into the air once again.

Pain was not an issue here. It did not matter, was not important.

I was beyond it.

It snapped its jaws at me. Executing a 360 clockwise rotation mid air, I struck its jaws with an outward snap kick, known as the Lotus. Landing on both feet, I sprinted left to where I knew the chimney was. The Heartless swiped out a jagged limb again at me, and I was thrown forward with the force. Tile fragments cut me as I rolled again to my feet, running across the sloped and broken roof. It clambered after me.

Reaching the chimney-stack, I jumped, using the wall as a springboard to launch myself up at the Heartless. Concentrating my chi at my fists, I met it with a devastating uppercut. And another. And another.

Each strike, the glow of my fists grew stronger and stronger and brighter that headed my opponent into the air.

_THWUNK THWUNP THUMP THWUMP_

I delivered the last punch before letting myself fall, turning midair to right my position as I landed on the roof in a crouch.

The Heartless' form was fading now, becoming less definite. Yet again it darted forward, taking me by surprise as it threw me against the chimney-stack, which shattered with the impact. Crashing through, I landed the other side amidst broken brick and tile.

Coughing out blood, my whole body protested at the abuse. I tried to stand, but it knocked me sprawling back again. Shaking, I stumbled up, only to tumble down what remained of the sloping roof to avoid impalement.

It withdrew it's leg slowly.

Gods my chest hurt, my ribs, stomach, limbs, I couldn't breathe.

It was above me, I could see the cross-heart symbol on it's chest. Driving its head down with those flashing fangs at me, I tried to roll out the way. Once, twice…

'_TIFA!'_

_Bang-Bang_

And the thing recoiled, eyed a new target.

Denzel!

And that enough saw me stumble up and strike again at the Heartless.

DiedieDIE!

My life force SHONE as I drove up at the creature's belly, pure chi as I struck and tore and kicked and swiped as it screeched out. I flew up and out with my full force at the hated thing. Spinning midair I SLAMMMED both fists straight into it's center, letting the light BURST OUT to completely over flood the boundaries of my physical body.

The Insect Heartless convulsed one last time before is already deteriorating form shuddered and broke up.

Finally.

I knelt there, utterly and completely spent, staring at my blood streaked arms and the broken tiles and protruding wood beams. Slowly, I stood, spitting out another mouthful of blood and wincing at all my hurts. Yet one thought banished the pain as irrelevant.

I defeated it.

And I smiled, for I had saved them, and I looked up to see their relieved faces and their proud smiles beyond that shattered chimney, and they were-

Heartless, black crawling Heartless swarming the roof and the building, thick innumerable and clustering, drawn to one single point-

'_MOTHER!'_

_BANG BANG_

I saw the flash of the gun, wide eyed stare, and then…

Nothing but black.

No more voice, just rage, and fire, and life force as I fight and I fight and I fight, the void of my fury unleashed and unrestrained and then-

Nothing.

Only failure and despair.

* * *

**Authors note: **Almost finished. I hope I managed to convay the desperation of the situation, and that the action sequences were allright. Note: the last Heartless is kinda like a boss. I imagined a big praying mantis like creature, if that helps to visualise it. I don't like going into long winded descriptions of specific Heartless as I feel it clogs up flow of the story, so hope you got enoughof a impression.

Sorry that it took so long to post, but I've been really busy since arrive back on my native soil...

Fear not, the next and last chapter(of the Recollections saga) will be up soon.


	40. Inner Universe

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing.

**Inner Universe**

--

Angely i demony kruzhili nado mnoj

_Angels and demons were circling above me_

--

All was dark, air kissing my skin, caressing it, twisting its long fingers through my hair as it flew past me, gone, gone, away.

I open my eyes to the whistling wind, but no, there is nothing here. Only the dark, only the fall.

I do not care. I failed. And here, the crystal tears fall from my eyes, lost again into this eternal night, this eternal abyss.

Over.

It is all over.

And I could do nothing.

--

Razbivali ternii i zvyozdnye puti

_Breaking the hardships and starry ways_

_--_

I blink again, staring through the dark before me, below me. That darkish blue.

Ah yes, there is some colour, some blue, I can see that past my wind pressed eyes.

I am falling into it. Through it. Faster, faster, and the air howls and before me…no, there is nothing but this emptiness. Something pushes me, mid fall, mid flight, and I let it. I have nothing left. No more fight, no more anger. Just bitter sadness and regret.

Yes, pushed, and I twist and turn and I-

_THUMP_

-land, on my feet, on this strange floor that has seemingly come from nowhere. Like a ghost, for aren't we all ghosts now?

But what does it matter? I am not surprised, nor scared. It is meaningless, those swirling designs, and the soft blue light that falls gently on me.

I cannot feel it, but its there, like a glow. It makes me feel alien, unreal.

A dream.

I look at my hands, caressed by this gentle light, still gloved from the fighting.

I can't help it, tears, more tears, lace their way down my cheeks and fall in droplets onto my hands and onto the floor. Those hands, shaking, clench tight, hard, biting, because these hands weren't enough. Not strong enough, not…

No heart wrenching wail, for I burnt that out before I came to this desolate purgatory, when I lost it all.

But they fall, and they keep on falling, and I let them.

Let them come. I failed. I do not matter anyway. Not now.

--

Ne znaet schast'ya tol'ko tot,

_The only one who doesn't know happiness_

_--_

Dropping my hands, I rise my head to the sky in despair. For yes, this is true despair. A giant, jagged jaw awning over me, consuming my all. It is this hollowness in my chest, my heart, my soul. It is the salty oceans that flood out my eyes, the numbness over my skin, the grief in my bones.

Stars.

There are stars here, in this place. It only makes the tears come thicker. It doesn't matter. I'm trembling now, my chest and stomach, my arms. Small little me trembling with the grief and the loneliness.

They are gone.

My children, and they…

I couldn't…

Marlene called me mother…

Oh Gods!

Finally, The sob claws out of my rusty throat. I can't take it. I drop and curl up into a ball, hugging my knees like a small child…

-like the ones I failed to save-

…and I sob and my chest heaves as the scratchy cries break out of my lips. Tears, yes, more salty tears, and now, there is no reason to hide them. No reason to be strong.

Shaking, curled up, crying, it feels like an eternity. I don't think I'll ever be happy again. Rocking, back and forth, back and forth, sobbing retches. Oh gods, GODS! I can see them now beneath my eyelids and it hurts so much to remember them. Oh Denzel, so brave to the end, Marlene, little sweetheart, and now…now you're…

'_UUWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-ggg-gh-gh…RGGHHH!'_

--

Kto ego zova ponyat' ne smog...

_is the one who couldn't understand its call_

_--_

_Tifa._

Look, I'm hearing them now. That's how much I want them to be here, to be ok. And I hear my name again and I laugh at the sweet bitterness of it. That I should hear them here, in this place, when they are lost and gone and-

_Tifa!_

Third time, and it's growing fainter, Despite my foolish self, I look up again. Hoping beyond hope, wishing beyond possibility.

There. I was right.

Nothing but this swirling platform and the stars that blink so coldly down upon me. I stand up, though, trying to wipe away those endless tears.

No, no, it will not end.

_Tifa, look out!_

And for some reason I spin, and…and…

Yellow blinking eyes, and I don't think I just charge. Leap up and spin around, Slamming both fists down like a hammer, chi bursting out in splutters. It crumples, fades.

I fall to my knees. There are no others, but I am so weak. My chi barely flickered, and now the rush has left me, I cannot make myself stand. I slump forward.

Why bother, though? My reason has gone.

Maybe I should join them.

_No!_

_Tifa, you can't!_

My tired mind hears the voices that are not there, and I shake my head wearily. My heart feels so hollow, it wants to hear them, want's those voices to be real. But they aren't. I know that. I've said it before so many damn times.

I failed.

_Promise you won't give up!_

'_It's not that easy…' _I whisper to myself. My limbs feel like lead, and my heart is…is infinitely heavier then…anything I could ever think of to compare…

Another wet track makes its way down my cheek. I stare at the ground. I sniff, but don't move.

_C'mon Tifa._

_Please, get up, please._

What could be a laugh, what could be a sigh escapes my lips.

'_Oh, ok,' _I whisper again, straining to move my lumpish limbs _'Only 'cause its you two.'_

But there is no response, no whispery voices. I sigh in earnest this time, hands on knees as I push my self up.

So, standing. The view hasn't changed much, and I look to the sky again. Where I came from. One less star out there, I know that for sure. The sobs threaten to burst out again, but I stomach them painfully. I just…just can't at the moment.

Turning again, I see the staircase, the one that was not there before.

I look at it balefully, accusingly. I know its childish, but that stair represents everything impossible that will not be, all those who shall not breathe again. Somewhere, I realize that something has happened to me that has indefinitely killed any sense of surprise and wonder.

But…but-

But no, those ghostly outlines are not real. There is no one there, beckoning me with pleading eyes and-

'_Stop it!' _I hiss at myself.

Stupid, stupid, stop TRYING to see them, to hear them, they are gone! Like everything else I once knew. Furious, angry and with burning eyes, I stumble over to the staircase to prove my point.

Nuh-thing-THERE!

DAMMIT!

And I start climbing that staircase. Because its there, and I'm getting sick of myself. Sick of trying to cope, of trying to exist, when everything is just so wrong.

And then, because I think I might start crying again, I begin to run.

--

I am calling, calling now, Spirits rise and falling

Soboj ostat'sya dol'she...

_To stay myself longer..._

_--_

It hurts, everything hurts. I'm wheezing badly, my ribs feel like they're being stabbed with each breath. I've scraps and cuts that just sting and bruises and I'm all but falling up these stairs, because I've realized and important thing.

If I continue running, then none of this has happened.

It's not real, just a dream, and I'm on the verge of waking up. There is haze of gray before my eyes that is that halfway barrier between sleep and wakefulness. With each step, it come closer and I can almost _taste_ the morning air and the toasted muffins that I'll make for breakfast. I know Denzel likes honey, and I think we have some left-

But I haveHAVE to keep running, because if I stop, then this nightmare won't end, and I won't be able to wake up.

I'll be trapped here forever.

So I pump my arms harder, strain my thighs and calves to reach up for each next step.

Up, up.

It's not real-

Yes it is.

-no just keep running, keep going, and once I get to the top, I can see the kids again. It'll be morning, and I'll have to wake them up, groggy and sleepy eyed, for school, but no, it's the weekend now, isn't it?

That's why I let them stay up with me, drinking hot chocolate, because the thunder…

KEEP RUNNING!

And I burst onto the top, sprawling over the last step onto my face, and I smile, because I know I've made it. I'll be waking up soon. So I smile into the cold, carved floor, and wait.

The haze fades as my breathing evens out.

But I am still here. My smile drops.

Dark, cold.

Failure.

Stupid, again, stupid. I wanted to believe so much, that I could go back. Disappointment and realization splinters through my chest, and for a long time, I just lay on that floor and sob. Messy, leaden, hurt.

OH, the lies we tell ourselves to keep our bodies going.

All a lie.

But, of course, deep down I knew all along.

--

Calling Calling, in the depth of longing

Soboj ostat'sya dol'she...

_To stay myself longer..._

_--_

Eventually, when the reality and the truth reasserts itself in my broken heart, I lift my torso up to see what is before me.

It's so cold now, a dark wind blows as I stagger to my feet and trudge down the cobbled road. Grey, gloomy and seemingly endless.

Maybe I am doomed to wander this darkness.

But this place, these roads, as the shadows fade, I see the ocean before me. A black ocean, to be sure, but an ocean nonetheless, and the last time I saw the ocean was in Junon.

I step up to the edge of the road, and sure enough, it is Junon's lookout that has materialized before my eyes.

Is it me? Am I creating this place, summoning it from my memories?

I place a hand on the rusty railing, feeling it in my grasp. I take comfort in its form, its solidity in this seemingly whimsical place. This empty place. This desolate wasteland.

That dark wind blows again, and I look up to see that the stars are still there. Yes, the universe is still watching me, bearing witness. It is not marred by cloud, but surrounded by darkness nonetheless.

--

_Stand alone…where was life when it had a meaning…_

--

'_Why?' _I whisper to the wind.

But there is no answer, I know. I'm just trying to understand, trying to find reason.

'_What's the point? I'm all alone now…' _I think I'm crying again, too many tears, I know.

My grip on the railing tightens. Marlene, Denzel, Cloud, Cid, Yuffie, Quistus, Zell, Lucil, Red, Barret, Vincent, Aerith, Zagane, Jessie, Biggs, Wedge, Mama, Papa…

All gone, they've all gone. I am all alone.

How am I meant to go on when everyone who I've fought for has gone?

_Tifa._

'_Heh.' _I laugh to myself. I've summoned them again, dreamt them up.

_Please, Tifa._

_We love you._

I choke.

'_But you're all gone…I failed.'_

I don't dare look back. I'm afraid of what I'll find there. Nothing? Or their ghostly faces watching me. Waiting for me, even. Loving me, even though they are no longer here.

_No!_

_We'll always be with you._

I cannot reply, it hurts too much. And I have to turn, see for myself what is reality and what is dream. Then again, it's all meaningless in this place, where ever it is.

So I turn, slowly, afraid and trembling. There they are, yes; they stand hand in hand watching me. My own my children, my little family.

'_Oh kids…' _I say, crying again, because there they are, right in front of me. Seemingly alive and well, as if not a scrap of time has gone by since now and this morning. I cannot move, for fear of shattering the illusion. I know it for what it is. I shall not delude myself again, it would break what little is left of my heart.

_Tifa…_

'_I'm so sorry…' _I say softly, for though I know them not to be real, I do not what them to fade either. Just to see their faces one last time. I would reach out to touch them, but I cannot bring myself to do so.

_Don't blame yourself._

_We know you gave it your all._

'_But it wasn't enough!'_ I hang my head in sorry shame.

_It doesn't matter._

'_Of course it does!'_ I whisper fiercely '_I-'_

_It doesn't._

They cut me off, in unison. Oh, I am speaking to ghosts and illusions that mirror my deepest regrets. Raising my head to gaze upon them, I search their pale eyes and speechless, I beg to differ.

_Be strong!_

_You mustn't give into it._

_Promise us Tifa! For us!_

They speak fiercely, as they would have done before, saying we were strong enough on our own. That look of fierce determination, I've seen it before. These illusions mirror my memory so perfectly, it could almost be real. They could almost be here.

--

_Stand alone…nothing's real anymore and… _

_--_

Shadows fall and wind blows, and I realize that I could lose myself in this place, talking to ghosts and longing for what will not happen. This world isn't real, this purgatory, and I could remain here forever if I chose. I look to the stars.

They don't want me to stay, these illusions-ghosts, Marlene and Denzel. They want me to go on.

'_But what for?'_ I say to myself '_I have nothing left to fight for.'_

_You have us._

_Won't you live on, for us, our memories?_

I sweep my gaze back down, and to my horror, they are gone.

'_No!'_

They can't be gone. They must be here! I don't care what they are, just please, let them come back!

I run forward, and the scene changes again. It's Midgar, the ruinous platform of concrete and steel that served as the stage for our final battle. Twisted pillars of rusted metal and cracked stone loom over me.

Aching loneliness sets in, like I've never felt before.

Desolate.

My shadow stretches out before me, pulling, writhing out of shape. In horror and fascination, I look on. I don't understand, comprehend, care, it's just…there. Fighting. To be free.

I feel the tug at my chest as it wrenches itself free of my feet. Clawing at the air, it begins to take form. It breaks out of the ground, now something solid, something alive. And it seems that I have a new opponent.

--

…Beskonechnyj beg…

…_Endless run…_

_--_

Automatically, I bring my fists up, and my shadow does the same.

The shadow stares at me with yellow eyes, promising to devour me. And somehow, no matter how tired and weary I am, I don't want to let it.

I move first, leaping forward to swing straight with my right fist. A blur, and my shadow has seized my wrist, squeezing it painfully and inclining it-her black head almost curiously as we stand in deadlock.

Growling, I wrench my hand away and bring up my left, driving it into her face. She spins with the impact, and I come around again. I beat down at her, drumming her with both left and right, but twisting like darkness, she slides and swerves out the way. Every damn time.

Seeing an opening, I dart in. Drawing my right hand across my left side and twisting my body, I slam my elbow forward into her stomach. She stumbles back with the force, and in a heartbeat I unleash a high roundhouse kick with my right.

Her head snaps back with impact that should have broken her neck. Yet she turns back, bringing up a fist full of darkness to smash into my surprised face. I am sent flying back, feeling like I have just been pounded with a wrecking ball.

Landing low, I glare up at my shadow. It almost feels like betrayal. A shadow is apart of who you are, your own being.

All she does is meet my glare with a baleful stare. My shadow, and I mean nothing to her. My body is protesting, but I ignore it. Angry, I wipe away the trickle of blood from the side of my mouth and straighten.

My blood is pumping now. I am ready.

Once again I make the initiative, sprinting straight for momentum before dropping into a floor sweep. But my shadow is far too quick, yes, she has flipped nimbly over my attack, landing in a crouch behind. Already, though, I am up and at her back. Seizing the back of her neck, I blast out with a flare of chi, throwing her to the side.

I leap after her.

She hits a pillar, and I get a flash of her eyes before my feet slam down to where her head has been, but I do not stop. She is falling back, out the way and I rebound off the next pillar to swipe out my left leg at her face. I am driving her back with all my force and my chi. She spins backwards with the momentum as I chase after her.

I want this over. I want to grieve.

The shadow finally finds her feet, but I'm already there, jumping up with a high split-kick, She staggers back as I plant my right foot on her chest and propel myself into the air, striking her face as I somersault around.

I land on my toes; my shadow on her knees. Darting forward, I make for another attack, only for my punch to be blocked by her forearm. We struggle against one another a moment, I grimace with the effort as her eyes regard me coolly.

She is so strong, stronger then I expected from a shadow.

I'm caught out, she pushes me back, snapping out a front kick that crushes the air out of my chest and I stumble backwards. Wheezing, I only just manage to duck under the dark filled punch that cracks the pillar behind me.

The impact leaves my ears ringing.

Glancing up through the dust, I batter her arm away with my forearm. Shifting my weight, I throw myself forward, fingers grabbing at her front vest. As I bring my feet directly under me, we both fall back. NOW, I SLAM my feet into her stomach, ribs crack, and as she hits the floor, I release her shirt and leap off.

_Weather that one,_ I think, until suddenly I am YANKED violently out of the air and swung around like a baseball bat. Blood floods my head and my eyes spin as my head clips concrete.

_Swumf-swumf-swumf_

How is she this strong?

_Swumf-swumf_

-just a shadow-

Blur.

As if I weigh nothing, the iron grip on my ankle throws me and I'm flung high and fast into the air. I have just enough inborn instinct left in me to force my aching body around, hitting a mass of twisted metal with my feet and not my head.

I fling out an arm to grab hold of something, anything to stop me falling. My outstretched hand catches a hold of some crack, some rivet, and I hang there, trying to recover. I'm shaking with the effort, I realize, and my head is spinning, but I push these thoughts away.

Looking back at my attacker, at my shadow. Our eyes meet, and I realize, with a pang, that she is me.

My darkness.

A part of me, the same kind that destroyed my home, that took my children. My heart wrenches. For what is a shadow-my mind races-but that where the light does not touch? Darkness. The same darkness that resides in everything, in me.

And it…that…I…apart of…

Bile rises in the back of my mouth, and I can feel her _pleasure _at my discovery.

'_NO!' _I scream, my chi flaring up in my fury and grief.

_--_

Poka zhiva ya mogu starat'sya na letu ne upast',

_While I'm alive, I can try not to fall while flying,_

_--_

White energy flares.

I spring off the broken wall, flying fast and true at her.

She makes to bring up her hand, but I come up underneath and slam my hand to her throat, holding it in a death grip that crackles with light. Her back snaps backwards as I dash forward, dragging her with me, slamming her furiously against the floor as I gather momentum. Gritting my teeth, I haul her up into the air, using all my strength. I skid a moment, still moving, before leaping up after her.

Wind in my face, narrowed gaze.

Grabbing the back of her shirt, I spin her around midair summoning my chi, yelling as I cast her down to the ground with all my might, all my feeling, letting the white hot energy SLAM her down tenfold.

_'Yahrr!'_

The shadow slams down in an impact of dust, light and debris.

I land hard, panting heavily, as slowly I make myself stand. With narrow eyes, I look for my shadow. All there is to see is the lumps of concrete and metal, twisted apart and torn asunder like a gaping jaw, forced up from the attack.

Try to even out my breathing, yes. I wipe the sweat off my forehead, waiting, shaking. I almost feel like crying, but I squeeze the bridge of my nose with my thumb and forefinger and swallow it. I am almost completely spent.

All is still.

Shift of rubble, and I glance up, but no. No, she could not have survived that.

Impossible.

Some other small noise clatters.

Something cold and heavy drops to the bottom of my stomach. No…I…my skin prickles.

From the concrete dust, she rises, as black and as dark as before. Only her yellow eyes glimmer with malice. Black smoke gathers at her fingertips.

NO.

The darkness twists and grows, and she casts it forward FAST in an all consuming mass. Adrenaline, adrenaline only flares up my light and lets me cast the darkness aside.

I am not done yet.

But she is gone.

The back of my neck prickles and I spin, too slow, and I _feel _her grin before black, dark coldness lashes out at my back. Pain floods my senses as its claws sink in, and my vision goes dark. My body arches as I am flung forward, flailing my arms weakly to soften the fall. But no-

_Crunch_

Coldness grips my throat, squeezing the life out of me. She slams me against a pillar. I choke, splutter as I try to tear her fingers off, but I am too weak. Not even my chi can help me, it is spent, barely fluttering. Too much darkness, too much failure. Gasping for air, all I can see is her eyes. Yellow and hungry and triumphant.

Darkness, my own, too strong for me to fight. It's already won.

Those eyes glimmer, and I am tossed aside like a rag doll. I land hard, struggling to breathe, to stand, but she doesn't let me. Her fist connects with my jaw and I am down, my entire face numb.

She stands over me. Grabs my shirt. I am limp, useless, failure.

No! 

_C'mon, get up!_

The darkness is growing in her hand again, and I know what she wants, what she will have. My heart. I can feel her hunger, as she can feel my life, and I will be nothing, nobody…

_Tifa, fight!_

Her hand rises, fingers stretched out like claws.

_Please…_

I am helpless.

'_Failure.' _She whispers to me, and I want to weep with the truth of it.

I've failed so many, what does it matter if I fail myself as well?

But…I never wanted it to end like this. I used to rather die then let this happen to me. Back then, when I…

_TIFA!_

…believed that the world, with it's light and its love, was worth fighting for?

And as her hand swoops down, something in me ignites, remembers, and my own snaps up.

_--_

Ne razuchit'sya mechtat'…lyubit'…

_Not to forget how to dream…how to love_… 

--

Her fist is caught, and I'm not letting go.

I look back up at her, feeling warmth flood out of my chest and into the rest of my body. My shadow's anger churns, and she tries to seize my neck with her free hand.

But I catch that one too.

And I can feel the light, the energy, inside of me. It blasts out of my skin, throwing her away with burning fire. I stand, all trace of weariness gone, and wait for her to rise again.

And she does.

She falls into battle stance, waiting for me to attack, like I have done so before, but I do not. I watch her. Thinking.

'_I cannot defeat you here, can I?' _I ask quietly, and she hisses, for she knows where I am going with this _'Nor you me, not truly, I…'_

I break off, and I know I am right. I couldn't finish her off, and she can dot do the same to me. This place, whatever it is, is not true, not…

'_This battle has to go on out there.' _I say, and she watches me still, claws clenching and unclenching, but otherwise still. I sigh, and lower my eyes. I don't think that things are over for me, not just yet. I think I have to go on fighting, though how, I do not know.

I guess…all I can do…is try.

I said it myself once, long ago. I say it again, just to remember those times, and that resolve.

'_We have to try.' _I pursue my lips, then raise my head to meet her eyes _'Else we'll just become one step away from Darkness.'_

She cocks her head, she knows what I mean, and hisses again, jeering. She doesn't think I'll make it. She doesn't want me to.

I blink, and she is right in front of me. Her black face fills my vision completely, and her eyes bore into mine.

'_There will be another battle,' _she hisses, a voice so strange, so familiar but so hollow. Her cold breath chills my cheeks _'and we will return to the darkness that we were born from.'_

'_You're wrong.'_

And she SCREAMS, loud and piercing as she _leaps _through me and I feel the breath leave my body and see only white stars.

I crumple, and my heart feels so much heavier then before. It weighs me down, and I cannot stand. She is gone. Returned, I think, inside of me. I can feel the old despair now, the hopelessness coming back. I can feel her-my darkness clawing at my heart, but I brush away my tears and try to stand.

Until the next time, I shall go on.

-- 

…Beskonechnyj beg…

…_Endless run…_

_--_

They are here, before me. Watching silently with their large eyes, their shadowy forms hand in hand.

I almost break down again, falter. Like I've been stabbed, for the umpteenth time, it hurts so bad. An old wound reopened. I almost cry again, almost wail, but I buckle it down, take control, seize composure. A tremor, that's all that betrays the turmoil. I can not speak, my tongue is like lead, but I will not cry either.

They smile softly, understanding.

_It's ok, Tifa._

Denzel's ghost, illusion, whispers and Marlene's nods in agreement.

Real or not, I still love them.

I lick my lips, try to talk, but it doesn't work. Hiccup. I hang my head and breath deeply, or try to. They're shaky breaths to be sure.

_Tifa._

They say, and I have to look back up at them.

_It's not over._

'_I know,' _I croak _'I just…'_

_We know._

They smile. I try too, but it fails. I fill my lungs, and try again.

'_Th…the sh-shadow…' _Gods its hard to speak, hard to focus, to go on _'she…was she-'_

_A manifestation of your darkness._

_A projection._

And I can't help but stare, though I knew it all along. Those words, in their small voices. Marly was smart, sure, but she never spoke words like that before, I'm sure.

But then…they aren't really real, are they?

I raise the back of my hand to my mouth, hiding the lower part of my face and try to cope, to understand. More tears are prickling at my eyes. I swallow hard, biting my bottom lip. Trying to ask the question that hurts the most. I know they are not real, but I would hate to hear it from their own selves.

'_S-so what does…what does that make you?' _I stammer.

_Manifestations of your heart. _

They smile gently.

I choke. Sob. Cry.

'_H-how?' _Because I need to know. I don't understand. What does that make them? Illusions, ghosts, dreams?

_We're family._

_Our hearts are connected._

_We'll always be by your side._

_But you have to keep fighting._

He says this last bit so solemnly, so serious. Denzel, always trying to be brave, trying to live up to his hero. Serious child, light up my life. Marlene too, you were my light.

That's what they mean, I realize. They are my all, so I have to keep fighting the dark. I have to keep hold of the light, because that's where they are now, and I can't lose my heart, or I'll lose them too.

And I can't let that happen. Not again.

--

_Calling, calling, for the place of knowing…_

_There's more that what can be linked…_

--

Again, I try a small smile. It's shaky, to be sure, but it holds, and Marlene grins when she sees it.

_You see? We'll always be together, as long as you remember us, and don't give in, we'll never truly leave you._

The joy on her face stirs my heart, and I look back into Denzel's eyes to see that he too is smiling a little. It will be hard, but I'll try. I haven't defeated my own heart, my grief and failure, not yet. Some things take time, and I'll try. I'll do as they want, I'll return and keep on fighting, for them. I'll leave this wasteland.

'_Ok.' _I say, voice thick with emotion.

_Yes, but Tifa…_

Things are changing again. The concrete and steel is gone, and we are inside. Wood, and the soft glow of kerosene lamps. Clean, shiny glasses. The bar, Seventh Heaven. No…home.

_Family sticks by each other, right? _

I look down, and they are still beside me. Denzel is looking at the bar though, frown marring his young features.

Following his gaze, I look too, at the dark figure is hunched over the bar. Undefined, like looking at a haze, his form flickers. So is the dark haired bartender, serving him drinks, and the faint forms of other patrons. It could almost be a scene from the past.

Something in the room shifts, and it is not quiet Seventh Heaven anymore, and that bar girl is not me. She serves the man another drink, and he downs it in one. I know customers like that; the silent ones with heavy hearts.

And I know who this is too. Resting on the bar near him is a large sword, not much more then a dark shape. Hiding under that cape is someone I know, and as he downs the next glass I catch a glimpse of blond, spiky hair.

'_Cloud…' _I whisper, for this is an old sorrow.

_He's lost his way._

Marlene looks like she's about to cry, and Denzel's face is twisted in a grimace of pain.

_You have to help him, Tifa._

_Otherwise the darkness will take him too!_

I return my gaze to the man at the bar. He slaps down some gil on the counter, shoulders his heavy sword, and turns.

Oh Cloud, what have you done to yourself?

--

_Calling, calling, never will I look away…_

_For what life has left for me…_

--

His is tired, deep circles sag around his eyes and gaunt skin is pale and stretched over his cheeks. And his eyes, so much sadder and leaden then when I saw him last. A small cry escapes my throat. Cloud, Cloud, how could you? What has happened?

Shock and numbness spread through my heart. I don't need to see the darkness winding its tendrils around his body, I can feel them.

Slowly, he walks towards us, through us, unseeing and unfeeling and so much anguish bottles up in my throat. I know now that I have to find him, before its too late. I watch helplessly as he opens the bar door, and leaves without a sound.

The kids look up at me, but I cannot look away from where I saw him last. Something painful tightens in my chest, and my fists clench.

'_Ok…' _I say softly, before strengthening my voice _'Ok.'_

The bar flickers, fades away, dissolves completely into a simple gray platform, the stars high above us.

'_I'll find him,' _I look up at the stars, thinking briefly back to another time, another wondering _'I promise.'_

_We know you will._

_--_

_Yearning, yearning, for what's left of loving…_

--

Wait. Look there.

The air before me tears, and then breaks open, causing me to jump back. Purple smoke snakes around the edges of the hole, and all I can see in it is darkness. Pulsating, waiting for me. It is black and frightening, and I look back at the ghost children. My ghost children.

'_In here?' _This place, this hole, is bad, but if I have to enter this…window in the air, and I must, then I will.

_It's the only way._

_Be careful, though, they'll try to corrode your heart._

_We'll protect you though._

'_You'll be with me,' _I smile sadly down at them, placing a hand over my chest and blinking back tears _'I'm so sorry, kids…I-I love you!'_

Marlene's eyes water too, softly shedding ghostly tears, and Denzel puts his arm around her and pulls her small frame close.

_We love you too, Tifa._

_A-always._

I nod, and turn to face the window, steeling myself against the darkness. I see what they mean, the nature of the place behind the hole will corrode at my heart, my spirit. It will try to weaken me, wear me down until I give into it completely. It makes me tremble, but I bite my lip and get ready to-

_Wait!_

Immediately, I turn back at the sound of her voice. She runs forward, holding out something in her hand. It glitters, and I frown as I try to figure out what it is.

Her pale hand passes through my clenched one, and I look down in surprise to see the pretty silver pendant her father Barret had left her.

_Look after it, so that we'll all be with you._

I look up, speechless. She is quiet, as she slowly steps away. I do not ask how, or why; the first doesn't matter and the second needs no explanation.

_I…it was a Guard._

Denzel blurts out, hurriedly, eyes averted and I know he is embarrassed. I raise an eyebrow in question. I can almost imagine him blushing, if there was any colour left in his cheeks.

_My dream job…I wanted to be in the Guard…like you…to-to protect…those I cared about, and I will, Tifa! Marly an' I'll protect y-ou with everything we've got! We won't let you give up!!_

And his expression is so fierce, I cannot speak, again. All I can do is raise Marlene's necklace over my head, kiss the pendent, and blow it back at them. Their eyes widen at the gesture, startled I think, but they catch their kisses tenderly in their small fists, and blow their own in farewell.

I am crying on the inside again, and I store their kisses next to my heart. Turning back to the hole in the air, I sigh, one last time. Who knows where this path will lead me? What awaits there? And so, I step forward into the darkness, or else into light.

--

Soboj ostat'sya dol'she…

Calling, calling now, spirits rise and falling

Soboj ostat'sya dol'she…

Calling, calling, in the depth of longing

Soboj ostat'sya dol'she…

_To stay myself longer…_

--

* * *

**Authors notes: **First, I apoligize for the long wait. It happened because of many things, but mainly because I bought a new tablet for my self and have been digital arting.

Secondly, thank you to everyone whose read this fic and reviewed me at some point. I really appreciate it and hope that you've all enjoyed it as much as I did writing it.

And thirdly, yes, I am planning a sequel. I have ideas already in my head about to be typed up, but have no idea what the title will be, so just keep a look out! If you have any questions or requests(for worlds featuring or anything) feel free to ask and I'll do my best.

Thanks again for all the support!


	41. UPDATE

Hey there everybody! Sorry about the long silence. As you might have noticed, I have long given up fanfiction and am now working on an original project I have been working on for a long with a good friend of mine. I apologise for not finishing some of these fics, but I hope you'll at least take a look :) Enjoy!

The first chapter of the Eariee Project is now LIVE

.com

Any one who hasn't heard about out little project, The Eariee Project is an online illustrated novel by *Cae-sar and myself.  
Writing by myself and drawings by *Cae-sar. Story by both of us.

The first chapter is now up and the first page of the second chapter will be up tomorrow. Sunday the 8th, 6pm here in perth Aust.

Feed back on the site would be awesome. There are a few glitches in IE browser, which Julia's tried to mend with no luck. But who uses IE any way. Also just had a major problem with Comicpress which resulted in my losing 5 pages, just re-added those.

This is going to be a challenge for both of us, so please give us any feedback or criticism you have. Julia's done a wonderful job on the website design, so it's left to me to try and write decently.

The first 4 chapters have been written and we have a pretty good head start on this P:

Due to its nature of being a novel and not a comic its going to take at least 30 pages to get going. The story is really going to pick up around chapter 4 so please be patient


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